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Chattersphere is a nationally syndicated talk show on WCTR in Grand Theft Auto V.

Description[]

It is hosted by Michele Makes and co-hosted by Lazlow, who don't get along. Michele constantly makes fun of Lazlow for being an adult loser, for his pathetic life, multiple failures and not recognizing her as the real host of the show. Lazlow then defends himself, making overtly sexual comments and making excuses for his failures. He is quoted saying "If you're going to fail, fail up I always say!" On the show Michele and Lazlow interview several celebrities, like Jimmy Boston and Tyler Dixon.

They then take several callers who share their opinions on several subjects and/or insult Lazlow. After which, Michele and Lazlow interview Brother Adrian of Children of the Mountain about his personal development community which Lazlow calls a cult. After arguing with Brother Adrian he begins to have an emotional breakdown about how, after gaining a little bit of success, he ruins everything with a single mistake and how no one loves him.

Transcript[]

Transcript
Announcer: It's the Chattersphere with Michele and Lazlow.
Michele: Hi! I'm Michele Makes.
Lazlow: And I'm Lazlow.
Michele: And this is:
Michele and Lazlow: Chattersphere with Michele and Lazlow.
Lazlow: God, I just love doing that.
Michele: Me too!
Lazlow: So, anyway, on today's sh-.
Michele: On today's show...!
Lazlow: We've got some amazing ta-.
Michele: We have a co-host who is not accepting the reality of their contract!
Lazlow: Come on, Michele! Let me do the intro! OK? I'm really good at it! I know how to monologue, seriously. I talk to myself a lot. You know, sometimes I just stand in front of the mirror with no clothes on and say: You like this? You want some of this?
Michele: Oh, I know, I get it! You're an adult loser. You're pathetic. Every show you do this. No, I'm sorry, you know the rules. Sorry everybody. See? We're Vinewood liberals; we love each other but we've got massive egos so we can't quite get along.
Lazlow: My ego was shattered long ago. You know, it was called the eighties but I picked up the pieces and glued it together with bourbon and acting out sexually with not that very attractive of a woman, OK? So speak for yourself!
Michele: I'm speaking for the show, dicktard! Chattersphere, hosted by me, Michele Makes with sidekick support work from you until your contract runs out and you can be let go, Mr. Lazlow I don't have a surname.
Lazlow: Every week. You rub my face in it every goddamn week.
Michele: Because every week you act like I'm not here and it's still one of your countless previous shows that didn't work out and yet somehow allowed you to fail upwards. Man, you must have some amazing pictures of whichever executives you're blackmailing.
Lazlow: Listen, if you're going to fail, fail up I always say! And you, you're not even being fair.
Michele: Fair is you calling me a bitch?
Lazlow: That was once.
Michele: Or stealing my jokes?
Lazlow: That was twice.
Michele: Or interrupting me o-?
Lazlow: I don't interrupt you!
Michele: You just did it again!
Lazlow: I know, it's a joke! The reason men interrupt women all the time is because you yammer on and on.
Michele: Oh yeah! Women, they talk and they talk and you do the math! Really funny, misogynist. Make me out to be a shrew so you can attack me. That's the easiest trick in the book. This is the 21st century, Lazlow. We're all equal now. Every right-minded person in this city knows that and still you've got gender issues. The fact is you hate women.
Lazlow: I love women. Michele, come here. Listen, we're off on the wrong foot. Let me rub your back. Oh my God, is that a mole?
Michele: Eww, get off! Don't rub my back. Besides, you're only a liberal because your job depends on it.
Lazlow: Don't be mad at me because you got moles, you should get that checked. And I'm a liberal because you have to be in the entertainment industry. I would much rather be chewing tobacco, grabbing my nuts, mistreating women, wearing a wife-beater shirt, drinking gin, huffing Freon. I'm the real deal, Michele, the real deal. My fans know it. Ha, when I work out, I do it for the fans. When I'm pumping iron, looking at my pecs I go: The fans want these pecs. I got a TV show, a radio show, I'm everywhere. I'm on a billboard, I'm in bathrooms. Then one idiotic program director on a rinky-dink talk network says that "I don't attract the youth demographic". Well, that's because they're all high! So now I'm saddled with a 22 year old micro blogger with typical "millennial issues" as a co-host.
Michele: Host!
Lazlow: Whatever.
Michele: You're the co-host of Chattersphere. The right-minded, left-thinking, progressive entertainment talk show for all of Los Santos and Blaine County.
Lazlow: Oh, you just love saying that, don't you? "My name's Michele Makes". God, you're like a parrot that sits on the shoulder of a pirate!
Michele: You hate women and you won't stop quoting those dragon-brain fantasy novels.
Lazlow: I like saying "wench"! Even if it is from 1402 and there were dragons flying around upside down.
Michele: Enough of your renaissance fair-speak. You're ridiculous. We have an incredible show today! We've got... Who have we got? Let me see... Brother Adrian! He runs the Children of the Mountain. That study program you keep hearing advertised.
Lazlow: That is a cult. Why they always give me the cults to interview!? God, I'm doomed. You want to do a show on this market, it's cults and whack jobs and fake boobies everywhere.
Michele: You're so judgmental!
Lazlow: I'm not talking about yours. They're tiny-fake, I mean it's cute. I'd like to put little army-men on them and they could have a little battle and I'd take pictures and put it on the Internet.
Michele: That's disturbing.
Lazlow: It's awesome. It's pretty sexual.
Michele: No, please. Keep describing my rack. It's really doing things for me.
Lazlow: Ok, I will.
Michele: You host a singing contest and work on a celebrity and liberal talk show. The one thing you're not meant to have is opinions.
Lazlow: Don't be mad at me because you've got hairy nipples!
Michele: What are you talking about!?
Lazlow: I've seen them! You know what, you do the show. You're obviously so much better at radio than I am. What have you been on the air for? Six months?
Michele: I love it when you sulk, I feel like your mother. Anyway, we have a great show. Before Brother Adrian we're going to speak to a few of your favorite stars, everybody. Actor Jimmy Boston will be on the phone, Tyler Dixon, Milton McIlroy. Then we'll take some calls, discuss the issues affecting Los Santos entertainment, politics, health, it's going to be a great show.
Lazlow: Yeah! There's nothing like liberal politics and Vinewood to get people excited. Listen everybody, since I started endorsing a hybrid I really feel like an expert on green issues.
Michele: That's great. I saw the commercial, it's just so powerful.
Lazlow: Oh, thanks, Michele.
Michele: I love you, Laz. Is he on the phone? He is. Great, here's someone we all really love, you are really wowing us with your new show, Jimmy Boston. How's it going, Jimmy?
Jimmy Boston: Yeah, everything's going great. It's a great show, really great. I told my agent I wanted something serious and character-driven, but that also shows I've great abs. So yeah, Lifeguard 3D is a fantastic career move.
Michele: That's just great.
Lazlow: Yeah, movies are overrated. TV: it's where it's at. We'd love to get you on my show. Maybe you could come on a sing with me, like a duet. Man, it's so great that you're doing something more meaningful. Jimbo, you know, we could grab a drink sometime, hit the town, I know some amazing underground clubs where celebs like me and you hang out and finger groupies.
Jimmy Boston: Thanks, Lazlow, thanks a lot. Listen, you're a cool guy, I love how you do that whole radio host-thing, really funny stuff. Normally, ugly guys sort of act all shy but you've got lots of personality and you're really funny, I think. Anyway, glad you love the show. Peace! Kifflom!
Lazlow: Oh, not another one. These Epsilon-guys are taking over.
Michele: I think he blew you off there, Laz. That's a bromance you're going to have to let slide. He didn't even want you to be a cameo on Lifeguard. Your career could be out swimming and get into trouble and need rescuing. You've got no friends, Laz.
Lazlow: Please, I would be amazing on that show. I would totally wear a banana hammock. I've got friends, Michele, lots of friends and we all hang out banana hammocks together.
Michele: Wow, sounds amazing. I'd love to get involved. You have friends? Call one.
Lazlow: I would totally rotisserie you!
Michele: Eww! Oh, I feel soiled.
Lazlow: It's fun. You should try it. And you know what, maybe I will call one of my friends. Look at this address book on my phone. Packed with friends. Look, it's my friend Reed. Maybe I'll call Reed but... later. People don't want to hear from my friends. Man, I was out last night partying. Good times. Bottle service. Well, I mean I snuck the bottle in but, God. And there's nothing like advantage of a lonely divorcee from the Midwest while she quietly weeps to let you know that you're a star, I'm on television, the chicks love it!
Michele: You really are a man, that made me very sad. That entire monologue was, well, it was disgusting. And she's probably crying because it was over in sixty seconds.
Lazlow: Who cares? I got (inaudible), I busted a nut!
Michele: Please don't use that black (inaudible) again and you really hate women.
Lazlow: Ball all you want! Sorry mother nature made your private parts so tedious!
Michele: Oh!
Lazlow: Anyway, we got another celebrity calling in.
Michele: Someone you can really relate too; an actor and a reality TV star: Tyler Dixon. Hey, Tyler! How's the new show?
Tyler Dixon: Hey! How's it going? Yeah, I'm just really loving the new show. I mean, it's really different because it's a reality show but like... I'm already famous. So it should be really interesting and different. So its kind of like starting on season two of most shows which is sort of amazing.
Michele: That's just great and any movies or are you waiting for the right role?
Tyler Dixon: Yeah, I really want a big dramatic role, one I can sink my teeth into. Something about character, you know? With a volcano or something where I could be like a superhero-
Michele: What have you done!?
Lazlow: I'm tired of his blathering. Volcanoes, this whole town is deluded.
Michele: I love the idea though; a new kind of reality show about famous people. That's going to be the best of both worlds.
Lazlow: Oh, it sounds fantastic...
Michele: Don't be sarcastic. You're just bitter because they didn't offer it to you.
Lazlow: Let's go to the phones...
Michele: Yeah, we want to hear from you out there about what's going on in your Los Santos.
Caller #1: Hey, I can't believe what you guys said last week about award shows, I really love them. The interesting speeches, actors rattling up names of people you've never heard of that they blew to get that job, movies you'll never watch that win the prizes. I love award shows, they make me cry.
Michele: Award shows are really fantastic. I mean, the Pop Video Awards, so relevant, so controversial.
Lazlow: Yeah, fantastic. Nothing like giving each other plastic statues to help elevate art. Next caller.
Caller #2 (Simon): Hey there, I'm Simon, I'm a big fan of the show. Now listen, I just wanted to share with everyone: you don't need to spend all that time working out. I found a perfect solution, OK? I got pec implants, six-pack implants, calf implants. Shoot, I'm perfect.
Lazlow: You hear that, Michele? Why do a need a bisexual Austrian personal trainer to shout and debase me? Hold me to the ground, tell me that I'm worthless, all sweating on me.
Caller #2 (Simon): Who wants to share sweaty equipment or get disgusting fungus? Share showers with stranger? What are you nuts? I don't want Hong Kong foot or ringworm. I found the perfect fail-safe solution: surgery!
Lazlow: Thank you!
Michele: That's a guy after your own heart, Laz. Idiotic and superficial. Oh, we have a caller for you, says his name is Reed.
Reed: What's up, Lazlow.
Lazlow: Hey, buddy!
Reed: Just to be clear, Lazlow, we're not friends. I defriended you years ago from all of my social networks.
Michele: Wow, you are a mess, Lazlow. Next caller.
Caller #3: Hey, Lazlow. That's offensive what you said about fantasy football.
Lazlow: You mean when I said it was for creepy perverts who run around the house in a jockstrap pecking away at a laptop?
Caller #3: Hey, I'm not a pervert! I'm just really into fantasy sports. I have a fantasy football team, I think about it for hours. Fantasizing we'd just won, we're in the locker room, half the guys in nude, we're really pumped, we're taking a shower and then... and then... and then... OK, anyways... So what if me and my friends get together with our laptops and watch the game? It's really exciting. I love statistics.
Lazlow: OK, so let me get this straight: you've decided to pump up the, you know, tedium of watching sports and interject the non-stop laugh-a-minute fun of "statistics". Listen, there's only one statistic I'm interested in and that's how many hoes I've had! What, what!
Michele: Ugh, you keep a running total on the wall? Really classy.
Lazlow: That's three digits, woman! One day you understand about conquest, Michele. Speaking of, here's an interesting caller that wants to talk about conquest.
Caller #4: Hey, uh, big fan of the show but I got a question: what's the deal with Mars?
Lazlow: Well, it is the fourth planet from the Sun and it's reddish hue is from iron oxide. This is your space moment of Chattersphere.
Caller #4: I mean, why do we have a dune buggy up there? I don't even have a dune buggy. Mars is bullshit!
Lazlow: God, man. I'd love to go to Mars or a space station, you know? Get some groupies up there, watch my DNA fly across in zero gravity, it'd be amazing! I could start my own religion and an entire civilization of people breed from me. That would be great, I can see it. Me and a couple of hot Martian chicks.
Michele: You are revolting, so hyper-sexualized. Don't you know that we live in a new liberal age where we never say anything mean or crude. It's the new America, the one we've always wanted.
Lazlow: Hey, don't get me wrong, America is a great land. You know, it proves you can conquer anything with booze and syphilis and I've had both.
Michele: Hey, those colonizers caught syphilis in this country and took it to Europe. Serves them right for wiping out the indigenous culture.
Lazlow: Oh, here we go, the hippie lesson of the day. Culture smulcher.
Michele: And now Los Santos is just coffee shops, banks and pharmacies. So cultured.
Lazlow: So we had to wipe out a few people, I need a Bean Machine coffee, I'm stressed. I love this town. You know, you could be smug about the rest of the country and live in a vacuum pretending that there's an endless supply of revenue to just hand out to people for new metro projects. You know, we're obsessed about the environment but people are dumping chemicals on their lawns so much that it gives their neighbors birth defects. I mean, this is a state that's got the worst carbon footprint in the world where everybody goes around pretending they like the outdoors. This is a proper liberal's paradise, man! And I worked hard to be king of this paradise, Michele. I work hard, OK? Your younger generation, Millennial, don't understand that. You just listen to your iFruit phone and do yoga. When I keel over dead from working I want you to say: "That Lazlow, he died of a broken heart".
Michele: Well, cocaine broke your heart.
Lazlow: Well, a bit of recreational snort never hurt anyone. Besides, the chicks love it. Anyway, all I do is Molly now, it's virtually a health food.
Michele: Let's go to the phones. Marshall from Puerta Del Sol.
Caller #5 (Marshall): Hey, Lazlow. I take real issue with what you said about marching bands, they're brilliant, they're really erotic!
Lazlow: Marching bands? With your marching Napoleonic costumes, turning rock classics and pop hits into garbage? "Oh, look, I'm a toy solider blowing into a tuba". Do you think a stadium full of drunks cares about your stupid song? We want to see bitches shooting t-shirts! "Oh, look at me, I'm an adult in a marching band. Oh boy!" You need help, dude.
Caller #5 (Marshall): At least I'm not pretending to be someone half my age.
Michele: Good point, Marshall. He got you there, Laz. Speaking of lost souls who need a bunch of help, I think we have the perfect guest for you. Lazlow, introduce him.
Lazlow: Coming up on Chattersphere with Lazlow and Michele-.
Michele: Michele and Lazlow!
Lazlow: That is what I said.
Michele: It's not.
Lazlow: Well, whatever. Let me speak! Getting saddled with a woman to appeal to more liberal listeners. I am liberal, seriously. I've got a TV show which makes me liberal so shush, woman! Coming up next, what have we... oh, not this again. God, I got to take this producer out and piss on their head. How original, a cult leader in Los Santos, I mean, a "promoter of alternative thought".
Michele: Coming up next on Chattersphere with Michele and Lazlow; alternative therapy life coach, committed spiritualist and senior lay preacher of the Children of the Mountain fellowship: Brother Adrian. Brother Adrian, welcome to the show.
Brother Adrian: Hello, my child. My children, both of you. Welcome to the now.
Michele: So good to have you on the show.
Lazlow: Yeah, makes a real break from the whack jobs and crazies I normally interview. You know, our guest booker gets us celebrities but the, the publicist makes us take these has-beens and won't-bees.
Brother Adrian: I'm not a psychic, Lazlow, but I am sensing a lot of hostility from you. You seem like you are in prison.
Lazlow: Yeah, I couldn't agree more.
Brother Adrian: And you know who the warden is, Lazlow...
Lazlow: Uh, yeah, it's Michele.
Brother Adrian: No, my child. It's you.
Lazlow: Oh, give me a break.
Brother Adrian: Yes, mock. Yes, deride. Yes, call me a whack job.
Lazlow: You're a whack job.
Brother Adrian: Call me a cultist.
Lazlow: You're a cultist.
Brother Adrian: Call me a pervert.
Lazlow: You're a pervert.
Brother Adrian: All right, I'm happy, you're miserable.
Lazlow: I'm not miserable. OK, I'm in a career slump, there is a difference. Every time I really start to do well on the market, someone at the station goes whining to HR and then I get moved to a new place like a man of the cloth. Speaking of cloth; you're a cult leader so of course you pretend to be happy because you say you have all the answers, you're selling people hope. Well, buddy, hope is a lie. I figured out all the answers and believe me; life is a dark, horrible chasm of despair, punctuated by brief moments of beer and breasts so trust me, people, you do not hope to be like this "cult dude".
Brother Adrian: Children of the Mountain is not a cult or a religion, we don't believe in anything. We are a personal development community, using our unique knowledge of human spirituality and development to put you in touch with your true dimension, in stages, for a price.
Michele: What do you mean, Brother Adrian?
Brother Adrian: What I mean is this: through literally weeks of dedicated study I've discovered the secret to realizing human potential, convention and seminar revenue and utilizing completeness, I can make you, you. And I can make the you that you are the best you in the whole galaxy of potential yous that are there. Life's a competition, it's a competition with yourself. Well, that's a competition you can win and I will show you how.
Lazlow: Dude, I am eight ways of not understanding this. It's this like a 12-step program? Why do people that quit doing stuff always have to tell everyone else? You know, I quit typing in "granny wants it bad" in the search engines and I didn't need any program to tell me to stop that, it just took my mom, walking in on me 31st birthday. That's the true definition of shame: a mother's boy, still struggling against adulthood, pants down, hot laptop on his thighs, things leaking out. I've brought shame on my family!
Brother Adrian: Shame is meaning. Believe me, when you have all of life figured out it's your duty to share it with others and I share my message using a range of goal-oriented reprogramming techniques. It's about completeness and the opportunity that offers to people to realize a beautiful truth, in a convention center, for a weekend retreat.
Lazlow: Give me a break!
Brother Adrian: I am doing. I'm giving you the best break of all; the chance to live free of dogma and can't. It's a structured study program. What have you got to fear? What is one weekend of your life?
Lazlow: OK, I've been dragged into all kinds of bad situations with that line. I can tell you what one weekend of your life is, one where you wake up with a tattoo and a new wife that pee standing up, besides, I just have this weird thing against new religions that are founded by tax accountants. Call me boring but when it comes to imaginary friends I'm strictly old-fashioned.
Brother Adrian: For the last time, child, we don't believe in anything. There are no secrets. Children of the Mountain is an accredited study program. Follow us and you'll be free from all belief, you'll be free from knowledge, you'll be free to share that with others.
Lazlow: What? This is lunacy.
Michele: Your hostility is really depressing, Lazlow.
Brother Adrian: You see clearly, MIchele. Lazlow, there is a mountain up there, let me show you the way.
Lazlow: Listen, dude. I've been to the mountain top, ok? I've been to a lot of concerts and done a lot of drugs. I've been up there, OK? I've got a top-rated talent show on TV and a nationally syndicated talk show. I've been an anodyne metro-sexual to the literally millions of people look up to and believe me, it sucks, OK? I believe in one thing only: my relentless ability to screw up. One stupid word, one inappropriate comment, one touch, an innocent caress, between colleagues, you know!? And it begins again; the slow decent down! Your ratings come down a bit, the groupies; they start to get older and chunkier and have that weird "fat girl" smell! You appear in commercials for worse and worse cars and suddenly you're not the spokesperson for an expensive Swiss watch but for some swingers resort in Guatemala or a war zone! You're on the way down so you get desperate, you do more and more insane things for ratings! You don't care but it's no good, the public doesn't love you anymore! Nobody loves you! There's a great hole of lovelessness inside you, you're just a shell, nobody cares! You're friends are more successful than you, they won't call you back, they won't even re-bleet you anymore! Your Lifeinvader friends start to go down, the private members clubs tell you you're no longer welcome because you tried to speak to a movie star there! Well, I was a star once, OK!? I was but it's no good! You just, you just... It keeps going down, dude!
Brother Adrian: It's OK.
Lazlow: It just keep's going...
Brother Adrian: My child.
Lazlow: It's not OK! Your producer call you up! Someone made up some pictures that seem to show you, you know, being spanked in a brothel! That's not true, they could put my head on any dudes body, I'm much bigger than that. It's computers! There weren't any cameras in there... and then they start calling you a misogynist in the press and on Bleeter, you know? It's not true, Lazlow loves women, I love women! They call me gay and that's not true! Lazlow's a man, he has a man's needs! Only, it still keeps coming, the great wall of shame and the self-loathing! It just flows on and on like you're on the ground and there's just a group of men urinating on you but it's hypothetical urination! Then one day your producer comes in and says: "Lazlow, even though you've been a syndicated radio host for a long time and even though you're great, now you're going to be the co-host"!
Michele: The "assistant" to the host.
Lazlow: Shut up, OK!? You won, your perky, you're young, you look great! And I'm the assistant to the host of a woman with literally nothing to say!
Michele: I get it! You did a mountain of blow in the nineties-!
Lazlow: It was fa-!
Michele: No one cares!
Lazlow: It was fantastic, OK!?
Michele: I'm glad you have blow all over your nose for many years!
Lazlow: You don't have a catchphrase.
Michele: I don't need one and nobody gives a shit!
Lazlow: I was big in the nineties! I remember ".com" and we used to program computers like "C:, forward slash" and "HTTP forward", "10 print "hello", 20, go to 10"!
Brother Adrian: The great terror of time is something we cover in our study program, my child.
Lazlow: Just leave me alone, all of you!
Brother Adrian: There, there. Sometimes from the valley, we can see the mountain through the clouds. That's what makes us it's children.
Lazlow: I don't understand valleys or clouds, it sounds like a nursery rhyme...
Michele: You take a minute, Lazlow, man. Listen, anyone saying the male menopause is a myth, just remember this moment, please.
Brother Adrian: It's very simple. You just work through a very cost-effective program and achieve limitless joy.
Michele: That sounds wonderful. Lazlow, stop crying!
Lazlow: I'm not crying...
Michele: Well, thank you, Brother Adrian. Your seminar seem very interesting.
Lazlow: Yes, very...
Michele: But I think we've run out of time on Chattersphere.
Lazlow: I love you, Michele...
Michele: Ugh...
Announcer: This has been the Chattersphere with Michele and Lazlow.

Trivia[]

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