My name is Jock Cranley
If you're over the age of 40, you probably remember me from the hit 1980s television show " Stunt Double " where my character performed amazing stunts while solving crimes that always happened inexplicably near the movie set in the show.
I died for a living on TV. It was a life of leading ladies and danger. But now my leading lady is lady liberty, the danger is what liberals are doing to this country, and I want to be your Governor.
Who do you trust to lead the state in the right direction?
A stuffed shirt with years of study and training behind him and an understanding of civics, or a man who has jumped out of a flaming car careening over a cliff onto a hang glider? I thought so.
San Andreas has been to hell and back. I have too.
I used to spend my Sunday mornings finishing off the cocaine from Saturday night.
- Now I go to church.
I used to attend group sex parties.
- Now I believe masturbation is adultery.
I used to smoke on television, and exploit my fame and personal wealth to lure college students to hotel rooms.
- Now I use my acting skills in politics.
Our great nation has been sold down the river.
And yes, that's a deliberate allusion to slavery, because that's what we've become: slaves to taxation, regulation, and over-spending.
It reminds me of an episode of Stunt Double that we shot in a theme park where I fought a couple of professional wrestlers-turned-counterfeiters on the log flume. San Andreas is now a majority minority state.
As governor, I promise to fight for every citizen of San Andreas, and to fight particularly hard for the underdog - the white god fearing heterosexual that this country now hates.
Jock Cranley is...
Apart from the separation of church and state bit.
pro family values
Now I believe masturbation is adultery.
Now I use my acting skills in politics.
pro freedom of speech
So long as you're not talking shit about America.
Jock Cranley also refers to himself in the third person a lot.
The patriot test is to determine if you are a true patriot or not.