Jingoism Act Renewed
Liberty City breathes relief
- "The Mayor and members of City Council are planning a parade to celebrate the next chapter in American freedom: the renewal and expansion of the Jingoism Act.
"This will make more people patriots, will make us safe, and will scare our enemies, who will stop at nothing to hurt us for no reason and don't worry about foreign policy or understanding other religions. Let's get to wiretapping and detaining indefinitely," the Mayor said.
Silencing sissy liberals, a new taskforce is being considered to fight the scourge of dirty unwashed eastern Europeans attempting to muscle in on our last great industry - organized crime."
Terrorists Told To Eat Shit
Bridges closed indefinitely
- "In a bold and courageous move by city and federal officials, bridges and tunnels will be closed indefinitely while officials root out what is rumored to be a terror cell in Liberty City. While activists and other un-Americans have questioned the war on terror, to those who have died at the hands of police during protests, it is quite clear. "These terrorists want to take away our freedoms. But look, we've done it for them. Ha. We win. You lose. Eat my shit terrorists. Yeah, you like that? Do you? Daddy is in charge," said Deputy Mayor Bryce Dawkins. Income from tolls has dropped to zero, and officials say that bankruptcy is a small price to pay for safety. The stock market won't crash."
Who's Going To Kerry Me Home This Time?
Celebrity in more trouble, no-one surprised
- "The Kerry McIntosh self-destruction rollercoaster, that has increased circulation and replaced real news for weeks now, spiraled out of control yet again last night when the supermodel checked herself out of a luxury rehab spa in Los Santos only three days into her four-day program. Less than an hour after telling paparazzi that she had been "humbled by the recovery experience," McIntosh was jacked up on a cocktail of booze, pills and coke and crashed her car into the side of a Wigwam Burger restaurant.
An eyewitness joked with reporters that, "it must be the closest she'd come to food in years." Ever since photos emerged of a male stripper blowing cocaine up her ass at a Lovefist reunion after-party last year, the McIntosh Meltdown has been a permanent fixture in the tabloids, propelling her career into the stratosphere with new contracts at Max Renda, Le Chien and Veneer. Max Renda's VP of Marketing explained that, "Girls these days want multi-dimensional role models."
Bryce Dawkins Was Closet Liberal
- "Disgraced sinner, Bryce Dawkins, was hiding a terrible secret. He lived a double life. In public, he was a staunch hang 'em and flog 'em conservative, but in private, he was a filthy liberal. The fact is Mr. Dawkins was not as conservative as he made out. He even owned a passport. Most terrorists own passports, as do many drug dealers.
Now, he's also come out as a homosexual, married with children. Well, it's scarcely surprising. He's a liberal. Wooly thinking is their watchword. Or watch words. This news organization can never be accused of wooly thinking (apart from our weird attitude to China, but let's ignore that), so we will continue to attack liberals like him, until we have driven them out of this country for good."