Liberty Tree Wins Award. No New Information is an article written for the Liberty Tree newspaper by Adam Tedman.
Article
The Liberty Tree has been rightly rewarded again for our standards of excellence and commitment to delivering a quality newspaper to your door every day. This time we've won the very prestigious "Most Absorbent Newsprint Award" at the Cleaning and Tidying Association of America annual awards ceremony. Our newsprint was deemed by top scientists to be the best at absorbing a wide variety of common household spills and messes including red wine, ketchup, blood, pus, and baby sick. Following last year's investigation into the source of our newsprint, when a rival newspaper claimed our suppliers were getting our paper from non-renewable sources in Canada, rather than being part of the government agreed, environmentally-friendly campaign others subscribe to, we have gone one better. Now all of our newsprint comes from Brazil, where we are assured it is providing a much higher standard of living for everyone involved and helping a lot of Amer-Indians relocate from the rainforest to hill-side dwellings in glamorous Rio. We say "Stick that in your recycled pipe and smoke it!"