Estelle Graham: |
Welcome to another episode of "The Serrated Edge", I am Estelle Graham. |
Luther Austin: |
And I am Luther Austin. That's right we're the number one rated knife, blade, ceremonial sword and other cutting device infomercial in the nation right now. |
Estelle Graham: |
If you're the kind of person who values efficiency in the kitchen, confidence in camping, and the ability to take a hostage at any time, "The Serrated Edge" is for you. I tell my kids, "You can never have enough knives around the house", and boy do we have some gorgeous knives for you tonight. |
Luther Austin: |
I wanna hold every one of these babies, touch 'em close to my skin all naked like. |
Estelle Graham: |
Item #1776, this premium, premium collection coming your way. Fourteen premium knives. First, the Bowie – Mirror polished, stainless, German, stainless blade. Why German? Well, that's where we got it from. I tell you, I could take that knife, crawl out of the mirror black ocean and slit a Serbian's throat, just like a navy seal. |
Luther Austin: |
On the handle, remember Pearl Harbor. That's a gorgeous knife right there. Like someone spent hours just honing and sharpening and, letting the hate turn into craftsmanship. It's beautiful. You'll also get in this collection the Lonely Wolf combat style knife with extreme Satin finish. Fits your hand perfectly. I used this knife yesterday. I cut a tree down to the size of a baseball bat. This is one of my personal favorites. The more I use it the more I want to find stuff to cut! Usually I start with my arm, little cuts to try and forget... |
Estelle Graham: |
Easy Luther, but we can't forget this set is an $8,000 value! Now, you get the entire set under a $100 by a nickel – $99.95. You are an idiot if you don't order. Like an inbred baby, your head rollin' around on your shoulders, tongue hangin' out. |
Luther Austin: |
Yeah, nobody likes an inbred baby, real pain to get rid of. On the line, we have Kevin! |
Kevin: |
Hey guys, I love the show! |
Estelle Graham: |
Hey Kevin, did you pick up this set yet? |
Kevin: |
I sure did. I'm going to give the commando knife to my daughter! |
Estelle Graham: |
The British commando style! High-grade surgical steel, carbonized finish, 23 inch assault blade! Cuts through skin, bones, innards. Sometimes, you get stuck in a snowstorm, you gotta eat people. This knife is like an emergency survival kit! Being prepared is the name of the game, especially when the terrorists show up. |
Kevin: |
You know, that knife, it just screams freedom! I love the saw on the back, that's a really nice feature. One time I got pinned under a car and I had to save myself by sawing off a limb. I don't miss it at all, I love cutting things! |
Estelle Graham: |
And it's laser-etched! We will etch your name on there, Patty Sue, Bobby Joe, shitdick, whatever you want. |
Luther Austin: |
There you go! Estelle you've gone truly crazy with this sale! |
Estelle Graham: |
I'm gonna cut somebody! One minute left. I will not be coming back to this set! Someone else is going to get your knives and you might meet them in an alley someday. Stick you in the gut, your innards all over the street, scream out my name, "Damn you Estelle! You was right, I shoulda bought that set!", and it will echo across the city and a flock of birds will scatter toward the brooding sky, and little girls will cry... I can't see how you could pass this set up! I can't fathom it, don't be an idiot! |
Luther Austin: |
Okay, this knife here is a Half Whittler Extreme. |
Estelle Graham: |
You can sharpen a stick, hide up in the trees, wait for something to come by, jump down and stick it in his throat! Grab his squarely by the gonads, look him in the eyes, say, "It's your last day on earth son, prepare to meet your maker" Tell him Estelle sent ya. Yaa! |
Luther Austin: |
Wow! Y'all also get the Trapper knife, great for field dressing a sea otter or a cheetah, or you could slightly slip it in— |
Estelle Graham: |
Would somebody answer the goddamn phone? What the hell you doing back there? I'm gonna cut somebody! |
Luther Austin: |
Um, and uh... this one here, the Tanto blade – Good for heavy duty stabbing cuts, you can hide it in your boot. |
Estelle Graham: |
That's right, your captors got you holed up in a Mexican prison, you say, "Hey amigo, can I get a cigarette?" He says, "Si", and then you say "I gotta tie my boot", and then you come up and stab a fool in the neck! And watch the life blood drain out of him in horrified surprise. You can't pass up this collection! |
Luther Austin: |
14 knives, carry several at once! Time is running out. Let's go over here, we're gonna go over to the sword collection. Item #1863, 19 swords, first, a double katana, similar to what you see in a movie. |
Estelle Graham: |
This is a genuine reproduction samurai sword, steel blade. You carry these on your back to sporting events or dates. It's about being a warrior! 6th century Japan, magistrate comes through for the taxes, you whip this shit out and say, "take that you Mongol son of a bitch!" |
Luther Austin: |
Ten swords, our most incredible sword deal of all time. This is a historical moment, not a sales pitch. You are making an investment in your family's future, order now! |
Estelle Graham: |
It is a well-known fact that among successful millionaires that swords appreciate more in value than real estate or stocks. And you're gonna receive 2 of these! The El Cid cavalry sword – good for plundering for personal gain, patriotic motives, or when fighting the moors. Those moors are terrible! |
Luther Austin: |
Don't get me started on the moors! You'll also get the Three Musketeer Deluxe, this is brand new. |
Estelle Graham: |
Perfect for a fiery duel, or fighting off peasants wielding farm implements. This collection, they shouldn't allow me to sell these swords! I should be locked up, but just try it! Ain't nobody gonna take me down. |
Luther Austin: |
Whoa whoa, hold up now, girl! Guys, you're paying less than $10 for each sword, so if one gets seized at security, you've got a second one! You get the Katana, you get the El Cid, you get the Tanto. Look at this jeweled beauty. |
Estelle Graham: |
It's good to have jewels on the handle; it distracts people, shows a bit of real class... This sword here, this is called the King Maker Supreme 3. It's our very own Excalibur, true sword of honor. Now you know honey, there isn't much honor left in this world - people steal your car, take your wife. |
Luther Austin: |
They'll cornhole ya, if you ain't careful. |
Estelle Graham: |
Ain't that the truth, now you'll also get this knife, called the Raven X. Alright, Rachel is on the line. |
Rachel: |
Hi Estelle! I want you to know that I ordered the 50 inch Whalebone Sword of Solomon. That thing is ruling, I'm totally gonna kill that bitch cheerleader! |
Estelle Graham: |
Oh honey, that's a beauty. Good girl! Religious swords have extra power, and we had this one blessed by a voodoo priest! I tell you, I get carried away with all these deals, ohhhh this is a luxury! Hot sexy luxury, like rich people have, incredible value! You can't buy people for this much money, and I've tried... Are you picking up the Kingdom of Heaven collection? |
Rachel: |
I sure am. As soon as I get it I'm terminating a pregnancy! |
Estelle Graham: |
If you find a better price anywhere on a nineteen-piece ornate ceremonial sword collection, I'll eat crow! |
Luther Austin: |
You'll also get this, the Gladiator 9. It's the 9th iteration of the popular Gladius. Inspired by ancient roman orgies! Its short stabbing motions are excellent in close quarter combat. This is old ancient world style Damascus steel. There are 4 kings of the beast happily mating on the handle. |
Estelle Graham: |
Woooohoo! Look at the eyes of the lion done in gold on the handle, that's the last thing people will see. And this is the last you'll see of this collection, $99.95! Order now honey, 19 ceremonial and historical sword collection. Oh Luther, they're gonna get spoiled! |
Luther Austin: |
How about this collection then? Item #1812, over 250 knives! If you could buy it, this collection would be worth upwards of $3,000 on the black market! What are they going to receive Estelle? |
Estelle Graham: |
Ohhhh look at this one! Push a button, Bam! Knife's open, cop's dead! There's a finger groove. That's a luxury switchblade excelsior. You'll get the Navy Seal, high carbon, super density, stainless steel for cutting underwater. Plus, The Bald Eagle, It's glory that's also a knife. Sing it with me, glory be to the USA! Whoo! With a wildlife scene on the handle, do you see that Luther? You're having a tough day at work, you can whip this buddy out, look at that nature scene on the handle, think about a more peaceful place away from meddling coworkers, sexual harassment regulations, and the do-gooders getting in the way of your business. |
Luther Austin: |
You'll get the Firefighter Knife, won't melt when you need to cut your way out of a burning building. What else can I do? 250 knives! A great value. These are working knives! These are ceremonial knives! These are ornamental knives! These are fantastic knives! One for under your pillow, in the baby stroller, in your briefcase, and the boot. |
Estelle Graham: |
This one right here makes me want to drop from a tree, slit a Vietcong neck, and light a torch, and run through the jungle plum naked on acid! |
Luther Austin: |
Grab it, get it, buy it! Let's move it! Yee-haw! Giddy up bitches! Get you some knives! You're missing out. If you're watching you should be buying, no explanation needed. We're running out of time, remember, YOU need a knife, order now! These deals can't last, dial the number on your screen. We'll see you next time on "The Serrated Edge", remember, a knife is something that you can hold forever. |
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