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The Worst University in America

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Liberty City Community College: THE WORST UNIVERSITY IN AMERICA is an article in the Liberty Tree newspaper written by Johnny Ryan in June 2001.

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It's official. What we had all known for a long time. Liberty City Community College is now officially "the least impressive" institution of higher learning in the United States. With enrollment at a record low, graduation rates of under 20%, and with fewer than 8% of all graduates being able to spell their own name or recite the days of the week in the correct order, LCCC is officially not the place to be.

Luckily, help is at hand, from a new practical Dean of Studies who has revolutionized the college's approach in a way he believes will become a benchmark for all the under-performing education establishments in the US. Dean Smegley comments, "It's out with the old and in with the new. We did away with old ways of measuring students abilities and old-fashioned classes. Nobody reads no more so why should our students? This is a college, not a prison, yo. We've changed what we make students study and how we grade them, so kids can get out of this place with knowing what they want to happily attempt next up. We got the kids doing practical things, like pharmaceutical baking, so they can make a dollar and we mark them not for effort or performance, but on how bad they look in class."

Using these new methods, an LCCC student can learn grill management, coatroom politics and economics, and running mechanical elevation devices from the consumer perspectives (elevators and escalators counting as two classes), while a student who wears a hot outfit is pretty much guaranteed an A. "A girl in a skimpy top, with her bra straps showing, or some real tight pants, she'll definitely get a scholarship, while some dude with a pair of trousers so baggy he can't work properly will be recommended for graduate work," continued Smegley. And using this new system, LCCC makes a swift rise up the rankings, from last place to 34th in the country. "Within two years, I expect our students to be the best dressed, least qualified in the country," said Smegley proudly. Another great Liberty City innovation!

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