Tortoise (born August 24th 1946 in Montreal, Canada) is a Hare Krishna criminal based in Anywhere City. He looks much younger than his age, and has various markings, brands, tattoos and scars from the many sects and cults he has joined in the past. He owns a Double Decker, enjoys casual sex with new recruits, and takes a banned Zaibatsu drug called Zoom Zoom to keep him from sleeping. He also goes by the names "The Poet", "The Wise One", "Kain" and "Kung Fu".

U.S. Criminal record

• 1987 - Sexual harassment of unwilling recruits; received two years State Pen.
• 1990 - Inciting a riot and violence; received five years State Pen.
• 1995 - Bombing of a rival religious cult; received a one year suspended sentence.
• 1996 - Car burning protest; not proven.
• 1998 - Large scale kidnap of an entire stadium of people; not proven, as there were no witnesses.