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For the character in GTA San Andreas, see Little Weasel.

The mouthpiece through which simultaneous moral outrage and cultural hedonism gets funneled into the living rooms of the American people.
— Description at Bawsaq.com.

Weazel Television Network (BAWSAQ: WZL) is a television network in both the 3D Universe and HD Universe of the Grand Theft Auto series. The player can buy their stocks from the Bawsaq.com website in Grand Theft Auto V.

Description[]

Originally referenced briefly during radio advertising as the broadcaster of various fictional television shows, Weazel is expanded in Grand Theft Auto IV into a complete television network, including Weazel News. According to a billboard for Alien Couch, Weazel Kidz! is a sub-channel of the network. Weazel is a parody of U.S. TV network Fox Broadcasting Company.

The station was originally spelled Weasel in GTA Liberty City Stories (the station's name does not appear in written form in GTA Vice City or GTA San Andreas), changing to Weazel in the HD Universe. In Grand Theft Auto V, the station has its own building located in Rockford Hills.

Channel 15[]

Channel 15 is a television channel affiliated to Weazel. Little is known about the channel, though it is known that Natalie Vanet is an undercover investigator working for the channel. Melanie Mallard also seems to be a TV reporter working for Channel 15.

The channel cannot be viewed on any of the protagonists' television.

Slogan/Motto[]

Slogan/Motto Start usage End usage Version
"Standing Up To The Liberal Agenda One Issue At A Time" 2008 2013 Grand Theft Auto IV
"Confirming Your Prejudices" 2013 Grand Theft Auto V

Programs[]

3D Universe[]

Grand Theft Auto IV[]

Weazel-GTA4-logo

Weazel logo in GTA IV.

Viewable[]

Mentioned[]

Advertisements[]

Grand Theft Auto V and Grand Theft Auto Online[]

Viewable[]

Mentioned[]

Advertisements[]

Videos[]

GTA IV - Weazel TV Network (Full With Timestamps & Subtitles)
The Lost and Damned – Weazel TV Network (Full With Timestamps & Subtitles)
The Ballad of Gay Tony – Weazel TV Network (Full With Timestamps & Subtitles)










Transcripts[]

Grand Theft Auto IV[]

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Under Construction

Transcript
'The Men's Room' begins.
'The Men's Room' announcer: The show for men by men. In The Men's Room with Bas and Jeremy.
Man: Is anyone in there?
Bas Rutten: Go away or I'll punch you in the freaking liver!
Jeremy St. Ives: Excuse me, the men's room is occupied.
Bas Rutten: Yeah...
'The Men's Room' announcer: And now for your hosts, Bas Rutten and Jeremy St. Ives.
*clapping*
Bas Rutten: Wooooooooooooo! Hahahah! Hey! What up man? Wei... Ay good to see you. Good to see you. Alright, hi everybody. My name is Bas Rutten.
Jeremy St. Ives: And I'm Jer—
Bas Rutten: And welcome to The Men's Room.
Jeremy St. Ives: Yeah, where men can hang out, and—
Bas Rutten: OK, now tonight in the Men's Room we're going to get personal. On this show, we're going to be discussing a lot of aspects of health. Especially how to endanger the health of others, with— Others. Not me. Others. Now, we've got relationship advice like – how to avoid bruising the face. We're going to take some calls advising women on how to deal with their men. But, that's pretty easy, right? I mean it's just a thing that you need to do. It's a kick to the groin. Right there! And when your body connects with the reproductive organs of another man, let me tell you buddy, it's pain and beauty. Also, we have a special and we call that special – the cubicle, the copier and stabbing a coworker in the eye with a little pencil.
Bas does a stabbing motion toward Jeremy's eye while doing blood splatter sounds.
Bas Rutten: Like this. Look at the blood, look at the blood, look at the blood. This is going to be an unbelievable show.
Jeremy St. Ives: Mhm. And I'm gonna be discussing rectal marital aids.
Bas Rutten: Oh shut up. First off, I want to talk to you about a second to learn... See if I can teach you how to understand your anger. Now, anger is the death of so many men. Heart problems, health problems, baldness, impotence. Waking up in the middle of the night with your hands covered in blood, and you have no idea what happened. Listen, I've been around. ANGER – it's a four letter word and, boy, does that bring you down. Channel that anger into something positive. Like beating the SHIT out of little guys.
Jeremy St. Ives: Oh...
Bas Rutten: Pah! Pah! Pah!
Jeremy St. Ives: No Bas, no. That's... That's not nice.
Bas Rutten: Hey listen, we all hated to be ignored, right? Some people try yoga, or putting neon under their car, whatever that does, but getting the point across in this life is easier than you think. (Bas does punching motions toward Jeremy while shouting "Doonk, Doonk, Doom") Just like that. Are you listening sir now? Are you listening? Do you see me now? I bet you he is going to see. You want to get manhandled? (Bas does punching motions toward the camera while shouting "Buck! Bluck! Bluck!") This usually works for me. What about you?
Jeremy St. Ives: Man! You are really pent up!
Bas Rutten: Yes..
Jeremy St. Ives: You know, you should try some aromatherapy.
Bas Rutten: Hey listen. The only aroma that I like is the smell of burning flesh. (Bas does sounds of burning flesh with his mouth) understand? Take the other day. I was walking, talking to a friend of mine on the phone, long time ago. He was telling me how he lacked the respect and attention from the fellow school teachers in school. Now... What do you do? If you don't get respect? Okay, so I told him, the way you get a man's attention is by doing the unexpected. (Bas does a punch motion toward Jeremy while shouting "BAA!") Just like that. You see? it works with him, works for you. You know, you walk down the street all nice, (Bas whistles) and looky look, what do we have here Oooo, it's a lamp post. Oooo, this is your head. (Bas does smashing head motions toward the abstract lamp post while saying "Kshhh, Shhh, Tshhh") I smash you lamp post against it. You like that? Do you see me now? Huh? Do you see me now? Okay, I think now in his teachers' lounge, trust me, those people there, they'll know he's around. Nobody will ignore him any more. And if a woman walks by, the only thing you need to do, *huit*(Bas does a motion as if he exposed himself) whip it out and say, "What are we going to do about this?" I'm telling you, people cower under their desks when he's nearby. Man, it's much better.
Jeremy St. Ives: Yeah... charmed, I'm— I'm sure. Hey Bas, I think we need to take a commercial break.
'The Men's Room' announcer: We'll be back in The Men's Room. Remember – don't tap your foot under the stall.
'The Men's Room' pauses for a commercial break.
Burger Shot commercial starts.
911 Dispatcher: 911, what is your emergency?
Caller: Ahhh, I think my heart stopped!! The left side of my face has gone numb!
911 Dispatcher: Are you calling from Burger Shot?
Burger Shot commercial narrator: The Heart Stopper! The all new tower of a meal at Burger Shot! It's the 6 pound burger you can't live without! The Heart Stopper; seven patties, six pounds of meat and cheese! You'll be flatlined in five seconds flat! (*flatline sfx*)
Caller: Mmmmm... This is a fucking good burger.
Burger Shot commercial narrator: Drive in – take out. Burger Shot! Die with a smile on your face!
Burger Shot commercial ends.
72 commercial starts.
*countdown from 76 to 72 followed by an explosion while the following line plays.
'72' commercial narrator: It's back. The groundbreaking formulaic cliffhanger – '72'.
'72' commercial narrator: Can Judd Parker save the world from terrorists by staying up for three days and torturing every person of color he can find? I hope so. The cliffhanger begins soon – only on Weazel.
72 commercial ends.
commercial break ends – 'The Men's Room' continues.
'The Men's Room' announcer: And now... we're back in the place where your Mom's phone number is scrawled in the stall –The Men's Room with Bas and Jeremy!
Jeremy St. Ives: Who's on line three?
Mike: Yeah. Hey, am I on? This is Mike.
Bas Rutten: What's up, Mike?
Mike: I tell you what, Bas. My boy Jeff, he is your number one fan. Sure he's in the joint right now but he will be out in a couple of years. Man, you really put a lot of great advice in your show.
Mike continues talking.
Bas Rutten: Thank you. Thank you.
Mike: I mean it. You know—
Mike: You got to put yourself first or people will put you second, you know? I mean, history has some great examples of that.
Bas Rutten: Thanks Mike and thanks Jeff. Now, a lot of people in the joint should learn from my advice. You are the boss or you are the bitch.
Jeremy St. Ives: Mhmmm
Bas Rutten: That is the name of my next book. I don't believe in an eye for an eye. Oh no. Because Bas believes in an eye for two eyes, or better yet, an eye for two eyes, and an ear, and a spleen, and maybe a new shirt because this one is covered in entrails. HIYA!!! TAKE THAT! WHO WANTS TO KNIFE FIGHT WITH ME IN THE AUDIENCE?! WHO WANTS TO KNIFE FIGHT—
Jeremy is trying to calm Bas down.
Jeremy St. Ives: Bas.
Bas Rutten: WITH ME–
Jeremy St. Ives: Bas.
Bas Rutten: IN THE AUDIENCE?!
Jeremy St. Ives: Bas!
Bas Rutten: Cowards!
Jeremy St. Ives: Bas. You sound REALLY constipated. You know, I had a colon cleansing. It was really fantastic. Man, I had so much fecal matter impacted inside of me, ugh, it was such a drag.
Bas Rutten: I tell you what Bas says will clean you right out – a nail gun. Bam! Bam! Bam! And then I grab a circular saw, and then I cut off your arm. Just like this.
Bas grabs Jeremy's arm and does sawing motions.
Bas Rutten: Eueneugheughew.
Jeremy St. Ives: Bas.
Bas Rutten: And I start hitting with the wet part of the arm! I'm on a construction motif right now. Okay, let's go to the phones.
Jeremy St. Ives: So, who's on line five?
Jack: Hey man, my name's Jack. I'm a big fan of the show since you came back on air.
Bas Rutten: What's up?
Jack: I have a question. Is cybersex cheating? Like, I've got a video camera up to my junk and I'm in a chat room all lubed up. All my online friends say my junk looks amazing! My hobby doesn't hurt anyone, but my wife's divorcing me!
Bas Rutten: I tell you, I hate the Internets. It's for cats and pedophiles, and it's for girly men who want to trick Bas. And let me tell you. It's not like real life.
Jeremy St. Ives: I LOVE my-online-me.com. You know, you can really get in touch with yourself by building a little virtual character and building him a house and, making him go to the bathroom and, watching him sleep.
Bas Rutten: You know what – I hate it. That's what I do: I walked up to the people in virtual reality and I can't break their legs. What good is virtual reality if you can't maim people? Hahahah, It's bullshit! You know what this is Jeremy?
Jeremy St. Ives: What?
Bas Rutten: What's this?
Jeremy St. Ives: What's that? That's toilet paper.
Bas Rutten: Absolutely right. You have to realize that everything around you is a weapon.
Jeremy St. Ives: Mmm.
Bas Rutten: Toilet paper, spoons, a hacksaw. If you are in a lot of trouble, you have real ultimate power. Listen and you will learn. Now, let me tell you, I've been around. I was in a bar once and I said something to this drag queen, and she kicked me in the nuts. Can you believe that? Now listen, I don't take shit from nobody, especially a man who dresses as a woman. So I grab her by the fucking hair and I bash her head.
Bas does punching motions towards the ground while saying "Doosh. Doosh. Doosh."
Bas Rutten: Okay, who's in charge now, huh? So, suddenly this guy comes out and he attacks me. I grab a beer bottle and POW break it on the table, stab it in his face.
Bas kneels to the ground while doing motions as if he got stabbed in the throat.
Bas Rutten: He's bleeding everywhere and down he goes and he had glass in his eye. Drag Queen screams, "Oh, what's going on?", I looked at him in the eye and I say, "Listen buddy, this day of misery has just begun."
Bas does punching motions towards the camera while saying "Boosh. Boosh. Boosh."
Bas Rutten: Right in their fucking face. And another guy comes to me with a pool cue – Uh oh, not enough weapons now. OK, see, listen. "Are you going to do something with that?" and I slit his throat – over and out. He was gurgling and then I licked his face and I start laughing! HAHA and the bartender! It was unbelievable. Fuck you, bartender! I walked outside and got on a motorcycle and I get back to my house. Finally, when I was home, I took a long, warm bubble bath.
Jeremy St. Ives: Yeah... Well... Thanks for that. Well, we're straight out of time. See you next time in the Men's Room.
'The Men's Room' announcer: The Men's Room, brought to you by....
ALCOPATCH commercial narrator: The Alcopatch. It's the same refreshing feeling of your favorite drink, but delivered transdermally and discretely. Pick up the Alcopatch at your local pharmacy.
'The Men's Room' ends.
Ether commercial
ETHER commerical narrator: Get ready to put your family to sleep. Weazel presents a whole new season of Ether.
'VIP Luxury Ringtones' commercial begins.
'VIP Luxury Ringtones' narrator: Your ringtone defines who you are and how much money you have. So take bling to the next level with audio bling – it's VIP Luxury Ringtones!
Man: Oh, they've got that Dragon Brain ringtone!
Woman: I've got the Science of Crime ringtone! Now everyone knows I'm as boring as the show!
'VIP Luxury Ringtones' male narrator: VIP Luxury Ringtones. Including extreme tones like: a person being beheaded, or Diamonds, or old bitch falling and breaking her hip. Wow that's dope! VIP Luxury Ringtones, only 100 bucks! Be an individual, get a VIP Luxury Ringtone today.
'VIP Luxury Ringtones' female narrator: Visit VIPLUXURYRINGTONES.COM
'VIP Luxury Ringtones' commercial ends.
Ricky Gervais's performance at Split Sides begins.
Split Sides announcer: Recorded live from Liberty City at the home of the six drink minimum. The famous Split Sides comedy club presents all the way from London, Europe, Mr. Ricky Gervais!
Crowd cheering and clapping.
Ricky Gervais: Hi. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for coming.
Ricky Gervais: Been thinking a lot about war... recently. A lot of it about... a lot of bad stuff in the world. Someone's always at war. And I was thinking, "What's my favorite war?" Vietnam? Best soundtrack. Definitely.
Crowd laughing
Ricky Gervais: Second World War? Best ending. Poof, What a finale.
Crowd laughing
Ricky Gervais: You know it's over when... You can't follow that. That's the end.
Crowd laughing
Ricky Gervais: People are worried about that though, because... the atomic bomb, oh... It ended a war, which is good. But the effects are still being felt, which is bad. And it was invented by Einstein. And he's a genius. In his, uh... 1907 paper, Einstein said, that light could be described as discreet bundles of energies. That when irradiated, a dof– what sort of cunt thinks like that... really? You know what I mean?
Crowd laughing
Ricky Gervais: That's what turned Stephen Hawking mental... too much thinking. I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure. "The universe is expanding." Yeah, o' course it is, Stephen. (*crowd laughing*) Take a day off! Go for a walk, or s- not a walk, but.... (*crowd lauging*) Open a window. Watch a bit o' TV. Robot Wars is on. You like that, don't ya? People go, "Ah well you can't ever cut Steven Hawking. He's a genius." He's not a genius. He's pretentious. Born in England, and talks with an American accent.
Crowd laughing
Ricky Gervais: Cambodia. That was a good one. Pol Pot. He killed 100,000 people. He rounded up 100,000 people, and he killed 'em, because... they were what he called "intellectuals", and that was his threat. And d'you know how he told whether they were intellectual or not? It was whether they wore glasses.. If they're that clever, take 'em off when they see 'em coming!
Crowd laughing
Ricky Gervais: Cambodia. That was a good one. Pol Pot. He killed 100,000 people. He rounded up 100,000 people, and he killed 'em, because... they were what he called "intellectuals", and that was his threat. And d'you know how he told whether they were intellectual or not? It was whether they wore glasses.. If they're that clever, take 'em off when they see 'em coming!
Ricky Gervais: Know what I mean? Oh yeah, well Kierkegaard, oi here's comes Pol Pot. Alright? Yea. Not too bad, yea. Yea! Good. Yea! Aw, thank you Mr. Pot. Yea. No, I-I'm thick, (*crowd laughing*) as you can see. I'm-I'm thi - him, over there, look. Go and kill him. Falklands War. That's probably my favorite. People say that it was a conflict, it was a war. And it's my favorite, 'cause it was a range war. And what that means, is that... the Argentinean guns could fire 9 km, whereas the British guns could fire 17 km. So we just parked our boats about 10 km away, and theirs were falling into the water. While... we were shelling the shit out of them. It's the war equivalent of holding a midget at arm's length. (*crowd laughing*) Like that. And he's flailing... just missin'. And you'll just steadily kick him in the bollocks. Ow! Smack. Ow! Smack.
Ricky Gervais: People go, "Ooh, you must never go at midgets." Why not? What are they gonna do? (*crowd laughing*) You must never go at fundamentalist terrorists. They're the scary ones. Midgets? Do what you want. Thanks very much! Good night!
Crowd cheering and clapping.
Split Sides announcer: Mr. Ricky Gervais!
Ricky Gervais's performance at Split Sides ends.
Spittoon commercial.
Spittoon commercial narrator (same as 72 commercial announcer?): Critics are raving about how the West was won on Weazel. Running Horses, Justified Genocide, Big Bosoms, & Shitfaced Shootouts are coming to Tuesdays on the next season of Spittoon. Don't miss it.
Whiz Wireless video package commercial begins.
Wife: Honey! What are you doing sitting in your car in the driveway staring at your phone? Are your pants unbuckled?
Whiz Wireless video package commercial narrator: It's the Whiz Wireless video package! Watch all your favorite movies on your phone – on demand! At home, at work, while stuck in traffic. Adult titles too. You won't want to get out of your car.
Wife: Honey! The neighbors are calling the police!
Whiz Wireless video commercial narrator: Whiz Wireless – do the social vibe...
Whiz Wireless video package commercial ends.
Excelsior Extreme 9 commercial begins.
Excelsior Extreme 9 commerical female narrator: Technology...
Excelsior Extreme 9 commerical male narrator: It's what a man needs.
Excelsior Extreme 9 commerical female narrator: Excelsior Extreme 9.
Excelsior Extreme 9 commerical male narrator: The Excelsior Extreme 9.
Excelsior Extreme 9 commerical female narrator: 9 blades of glory.
Excelsior Extreme 9 commerical male narrator: Facial hair makes you look like a pervert, or a hobo. Or someone covering a scar he got tossing salad in the joint. Now take your shaving to the extreme!
woman moaning
Man: Get closer.
Excelsior Extreme 9 commerical male narrator: It's a sports car, power lift, expensive watch, on a Mediterranean beach of a shave. (*woman moaning*) At turbo quality levels. (*woman moaning*) Technology has arrived at the razor's edge. (*woman moaning*) Excelsior Extreme 9.
Excelsior Extreme 9 commercial ends.
'How To Survive When There is A Suitcase Nuke On Your Train' commercial
'HTSWTiASNOYT' narrator (same as 72 commercial announcer?): It's the show that may save your life. How to survive when there is a suitcase nuke on your train? Can you and your family afford to miss it?
Republican Space Rangers begins.
Republican Space Rangers theme song
different people (need to separate to different dialogue boxes in the future): Republican Space Rangers! Intergalactic war on terror. But don't worry about collateral damage or errors. 'Cause we're nuking hate, we're spreading freedom and liberty. Sometimes we kill with undue glee... Oh was that your home? SORRY! Gotta complete the mission! And possibly deny extraordinary rendition! Spreading American values! Sometimes you gotta bomb an orphanage or two! Republican Space Rangers!
'Republican Space Rangers' narrator: When strangers you've never met threaten your way of life, who do you call? REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS! They are Butch, Commander, and Dick! When we last met the Rangers they were in a perilous situation on the planet Spheron, encountering strange beings while heroically protecting Earth from unknown dangers. The saga continues...
Republican Space Rangers trio: Republican Space Rangers! Shoot first, ask questions never!
Spheronic alien: Space Rangers, we have never heard of your planet Earth or your sponsor Pißwasser, but we welcome you to our planet. We are agrarian and do not have much, but what we have you may share.
Butch: Huh? What's he sayin'? Man, that's gibberish.
Dick: Fucked if I know. He's speaking some kinda weird jibber-jabber space dialect with long words.
Commander: Dialect shmialect, I don't trust the sonofabitch. Besides, he looks queer to me. And if we don't fight them here, they'll follow us to America and pollute the blessed homeland. You know the drill, boys. Your strange religion and foreign ways threaten our freedoms.
Dick: And you look fruity, like--, like you got a wide stance, you know?
Spheronic alien: But this is my home, brothers, here it is you who is strange. Can't we all get along?
Butch: What's he saying, man? This alien sure speaks crap.
Dick: Hey! Habla Ingles? Hola!
Commander: Hey! Listen up, shit-for-brains. The time for peaceful negotiations is over!
Dick: You heard the boss, asshead ho. You know what time it is, baby... It's time to die!
Dick shooting
Spheronic alien: Please.. ohh!
Commmander: Make sure you get the children! They'll just turn into insurgents themselves!
Dick: Hey, them youngins is running into that alien orphanage.
Commander: It seems to me we've uncovered a terror plot. Innocent people back home will suffer. I repeat – they will suffer!
Dick: Shit!
Dick: Hey there, Commander. This here nuke is armed and on your go, baby.
Commander: That's 10-4. Let's get on the ship and vaporize these SOB's!
The Republican Space Rangers trio take off in their Spaceship and bomb planet Spheron.
(republican space rangers) ?: Yeehoo! —Yeah baby!
Country music plays in the background
Butch: (*Burps*)
Commander: Alright, another round boys! You deserve it. For you are heroes today. And I say with a tear in my eye – mission accomplished! Hoorah!
Dick: Hoorah! Democracy is a gift to the universe. Those alien kids learned a valuable lesson today. (*farts*) Whoa.. I got a breach in the airlock.
Commander & Butch: Oh, goddamit!
Dick: There was a report from Fort Ass – General Shit's on his way.
Butch: Hahaha!
Commander: Goddammit soldier! You're specifically prohibited from firing off airbiscuits! Hey, what's that up ahead?
Butch: Oh yeah. Er. It's... er...wait a minute... Hold up...
Commander: You idiot! You're looking at the microwave oven! Look at the screen!
Butch: I'm sorry, Commander. I was cooking me up a quesadilla. Hey, this here registers as a strange planet on the Insurgiscan. Well, it's on the map, but fuck if I can pronounce the name.
Commander: No surprise there, but I say we take no chances anyway. Let's give 'em 8 kinds of hell, Butch! Fire it all!
Butch: With pleasure, sir!
Missle firing destroying a planet
Commander: I never get tired of seeing that. Well done, fellers. Put a note in the log – encountered terrorist threat, commenced to liquidize same enemy, freed mankind. And... I'm recommending both of you sons of bitches for some more medals and shit.
Dick: Oh thank you, Commander! Hey listen, can we uh... can we shower together later?
Commander: Indubitably! But only after we play space volleyball and work up ourselves up a man-sized sweat!
Butch: Ah man, y'all know I ain't good at no volleyball.
Dick: Hush, don't ruin it. It's too tender.
Butch: Uh oh. I've got something on the Insurgiscan again.
Dick: Hey! Readings indicate minerals and gold. Heheheh.
Commander: Well, boys, lock and load. Let's have ourselves a looksie. What d'ya say?
Spaceship lands on a planet.
Commander: Remember if we meet any strangers, kill 'em! I bet these punks have no capacity whatsoever for peaceful coexistence, drive through liquor stores, guns shops, or the democratic freedom to have their votes discarded in swamps!
Dick: Shit, they better learn how to pray in school!
Commander: Oh, give it a rest. They're fucking savages, Dick! Hey, here's one now.
Foreign alien: The gods were right! You've come. (*guns cocking*) Welcome to our peaceful land of plenty.
Butch: What is he saying?
Dick: This son of a bitch doesn't even speak American!
Foreign alien: Yes I do. I said welcome.
(*gunshot*)
Foreign alien: Ow! You prick!You shot me in the tentacle!
Foreign alien: No problem; it will grow back. Listen, I forgive you brother – carrying around the burden of hate is worse for me than those I despise.
Butch: What on God's green Earth is he saying?
Dick: I don't know. Sound like some tai-chi chwon fandango transvestite bullshit!
Commander: I don't know, I was thinking the exact same thing. See I recognize some of the words, but the sentiments seem simplistic and, well, foreign, if you will.
Butch: I don't understand what anybody's saying! I just wanna shoot!
Commander: Enemy's out there, boys! The enemy's out there!
Dick: No! the enemy's inside...
Foreign alien: Listen, guys, welcome! we've arranged a welcome party, with a tequila slide – good times. We'll get started with massages from attractive she-aliens, then, after hand release, we'll talk--
Commander: You better stop trying to buy my men off with your women! (*gun cocks*)
Dick: Ditto!
Butch: Yeah, I hate women!
Foreign alien: Oh, sorry. We mean no offense. Listen, we really need your help. We are a loving, peaceful race. Last menstrual moon cycle, an evil race of aliens invaded and began imposing their will on us. They enslave many of my people, steal our natural resources with no-bid contracts while destroying our culture. Can you help? Oh no! Here comes one of them now.
Evil alien: What are you saying, sharing scum?
Foreign alien: I was explaining to these manly space rangers how you've enslaved my people.
Evil alien: Of course we have – you've got resources we need, and besides which, we are evil and greedy. heheheheh!
Commander: I like this little guy. He's speaking a lot of sense, know what I mean?
Dick: Hey, you wanna go bass fishing?
Butch: Man, what's he saying?
Foreign alien: My god, you are a fucking moron. Listen, you two, please? These evil aliens are destroying our people and culture.
Evil alien: You're weak. You deserve to suffer!
Commander: He's got leadership skills on him too. This little fella's incredible!
Dick: Hey, Commander, awaiting your orders.
Commander: Hell, our mission is clear as mud, boys! and I do not believe in any manner of deviation! except of course for that one night in college when we had one too many wine spritzers. Are you calling me a deviant boy?
Foreign alien: No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
Commander: Therefore, we must travel through space, meet strangers, and kill 'em good!
Dick & Butch: For democracy and liberty!
Commander: Hoorah!
Foreign alien: But I can give you wisdom!
Evil alien: And I can make you rich!
Commander: Alright, I've heard enough of this shit. You know the drill, fellas.
Foreign alien & Evil alien running away
Foreign alien & Evil alien: No, no, no, no.
Commander: Cook 'em!
(*gunshot*)
(republican space rangers) ?: Yeehee, hoo!
Country music plays in the background
Commander: That'll teach that son of a bitch what shock and awe means. You did a great job, boys. I'm proud of you. Oh, dammit Dick! I told you no bopping the baloney in outer space!
(*fap sounds*)
Dick: Sorry Commander, but this soldier is unable to stop thinking about your warm hairy embrace.
Commander & Dick: Republican Space Rangers!
Butch: Republican Rangers of Space. Oh shit. Er, wait...
Commander: Goddamit!
'Republican Space Rangers' narrator: When primitives light-years away threaten their way of life, the Republican Space Rangers will be there to make sure democracy wins again! REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS!
Republican Space Rangers ends.
Anti John Hunter commercial (Pro Michael Graves commercial).
Anti John Hunter commercial narrator: Meet John Hunter. As a state senator he voted to close down all schools in Liberty City and give the money saved directly to drug addicts. (*children cheer*) John Hunter wants to be your governor, but he hates our troops so much he wants them to cut and run and come home cowards. John Hunter has lost an erection (*slide whistle blow sfx*) more than once and disappointed his wife much in the same way he'll disappoint you. And he definitely has hairplugs and lifts. Call John Hunter. Tell him that combover's not fooling anyone. You short assed bald bastard. It's just like your polices; thin on top, and short of ideas. Paid for by Michael Graves for governor.
Vinewood Cunts commercial
Vinewood Cunts announcer (same as 72 commercial announcer?): He says, she says. He say shut up. The women of dazzletown show their true nature in Vinewood Cunts – only on Weazel.
VIG Insurance commercial.
VIG Insurance commercial narrator (same as Anti John Hunter commercial narrator?): You're late to see your therapist. You're in a hurry. You've had a couple of Martinis at lunch. Then someone or something gets in the way. (*woman screams*) What do you do? Leave the scene? Head for the border? Not with VIG INSURANCE. Now you don't have to worry! Call one of our claim representatives immediately and we'll deal with the law, silence any victims (*missle exploding sfx*) before uncomfortable litigation can happen. We insure against drunk driving! Accidental gun discharge (*gunshot sfx*). (*gunshots sfx*) And narcotics violations! VIG Insurance – because freedom equals piece of mind.
Vacation Home Sluts commercial
Vacation Home Sluts commercial narrator (same as 72 commercial announcer?): Weazel Wednesdays heat up (*moan*) next season with Vacation Home Sluts (*moan*). Don't miss it. On Weazel (*moan*).
Weazel Terror Marathon commercial
Terror Marathon commercial announcer (same as Anti John Hunter commercial narrator?): All next week – it's patriotism at its finest as Weazel revisits history with the non-stop Terror marathon. Back to back documdramas blaming liberals for everything. Only on Weazel.
'Venturas Poker Challenge' begins
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Last week we brought you the greatest victory in the history of televised card gambling mayhem. Five men, looking with disgust at each other as their women look on in envy from the sidelines.
Troy Burger: It's like a sixth grade circle jerk, Malcolm.
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Hey, that's right, and with that – welcome back to the Venturas Poker challenge, in association with Cerveza Barracho, because when you've got a full house, ES PLAYTIME! and eCola, because gambling is DELICIOUSLY INFECTIOUS! I'm Malcolm Fitzherbert.
Troy Burger: And I'm Troy Burger.
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Hey Troy, this is the biggest payday in sports, next to convincing a city to give you a stadium and land tax-free.
Troy Burger: Or when your city gets the Olympics.
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Oh that's right. I mean seriously, what can you say about what we've seen so far?
Troy Burger: Well, Malcolm, it's been a real... what I'm... I'm just at a loss for words. I mean seriously, it is just a tough time describing this. And you know I am paid to avoid uncomfortable silences.
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Well, it's been truly remarkable. This is entertainment at its finest. This is sport at its best, this is human drama at its most humane and dramatic. Cocksure Chris Cummings is going home a millionaire. And you know how he did it? By day after day risking his future, betting on a whim! Putting everything he owned on the line for a lie. If that's not a metaphor for life, I don't know what is. Chris moved here from San Fierro, says he likes moving to a desert where the faceless suburbs stretch on for a hundred miles. You can get a McMansion cheap! and there won't be any water left in five years!
Troy Burger: Well, you said it, Malcolm! Okay, just minutes ago, Cocksure Chris Cummings pulled a bluff on aces high fruit loop and sent the whole place insane!
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Lunacy! Five people died! Bet it all, don't play it safe and go home a winner.
Troy Burger: Wow, the pokerdome rules! Guys covered with logos, wearing sunglasses indoors! I mean, these athletes are incredible! They're here for one thing – to win a shiny bracelet that says they're number one. Call it honky bling, but every man wants it! You know, every time I see Steve "Buffet Car" Jabowitz play, I am amazed at the agility of the man! I am terrified of the wisdom, and I am fascinated by the bubbling undercurrent of sexuality.
Malcolm Fitzherbert: What? Can you take your hand off my leg...?
Troy Burger: What I guess I'm saying is that when that man rides the river, that river knows it's been ridden.
Malcolm Fitzherbert: The Venturas Poker Challenge!
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Hey, wait, wait, wait. He's thinking... what's Jabowitz going to do... what's in store for the buffet car?
Troy Burger: I am not sure, Er... you think he's got pocket rockets? 'Cause, you know, pocket rockets take out a pair of whores.
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Oh they sure do, Troy. Man, I'm so excited I could pee! Now keep quiet.
Troy Burger: Oh, sorry...
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Oh. Yeah... Wait, wait... Cummings is looking at his cards. This is a HUGE moment!
Troy Burger: Unbelievably big! That man is all about the flop.
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Aaah, fantastic! I cannot believe that! He's folded! Take a look at that, ladies and gentlemen. You just saw history here tonight. Absolutely incredible!
Troy Burger: Hoh, the crowds are going ballistic here in the desert!
crowd clapping a little
Malcolm Fitzherbert: And that's what it's all about! Yeah, that and smoking and drinking yourself into an early grave. Hey, let's take a quick break. This break is brought to you by Sprunk, because commercials are the essence of life. And CHERENKOV, because commercials warm you to the core.
'Venturas Poker Challenge' pauses for a commercial break.
Anti Michael Graves commercial (Pro John Hunter commercial).
Anti Michael Graves commercial narrator: Uh oh, here comes Michael Graves with more of his negative attack ads. But let's stick to the facts and move past these pathetic politics of division and swift boating. FACT: Michael Graves spent taxpayer money on a vacation home in the Philippines where young boys speak in lisps and don't wear pants! Michael Graves says he supports family values, but his wife is a harlot (*crowd booing sfx*) and has aborted 5 children. Maybe Michael Graves has forgotten the tragic events a few years ago, but we haven't. He wants to end the War on Terror and make America and your children vulnerable to terrorists, much like those little boys are vulnerable to him. You have a choice come election day. Choose Freedom for your state! Vote John Hunter for Governor! The future depends on you making the right decision!
Crow reunion in Iran commercial
Crow reunion in Iran commercial announcer (same as 72 commercial announcer?): A special night, a special man. Coming in three weeks – it's the Crow reunion in Iran.
commercial break ends – 'Venturas Poker Challenge' continues.
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Whoa, this is more exciting than chatting with a teen girl online.
Troy Burger: I'm completely engorged!
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Welcome back to the Venturas Poker Challenge! While you were away, you missed something ridiculous.
Troy Burger: The poker gods were smiling on Dangeous Derrick Thornton just now. He took the sport in a whole new direction.
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Yeah, that's right. Earlier we spoke with Derrick and he said his typical day he wakes up around 3pm, plays poker online for a few hours, goes to the bar with friends, comes home assfaced and does the whole thing again the next day. He's never read a book. Seeing that, people from around the country have flocked here to come and train for this sport. You know Troy, what we're doing here is illegal in most states of the union. But what happens is Las Venturas stays in Las Venturas, except when you're donating blood or semen to fuel a poker addiction. But before we forget, this section of the show is presented in association with RELEASE GUM, because you chew, you suck, then pow life has shot a load in your mouth. And Pill PHARM, because when the cards go against you it's time to swallow, and it's good for you.
Troy Burger: You know, I don't know about you, Malcolm, but I am just amazed at the endurance of these serious athletes. We've been playing for hours now, and no sign of fatigue.
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Oh that's absolutely right, Troy. Twenty-one year old Butch Roberts, former manager of Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts, may now win a bracelet here tonight and be able to buy himself a whole chain of donut shops to be run by foreigners because we're too lazy.
Troy Burger: Exactly. It's the fitness level of our biggest stars that make poker the incredible sport it has become. Example, Jennifer "Trashcan" Zelinski. She's been sitting there for hours now and no sign of tiredness. A cosmetics clerk from Nebraska, she's barren and instead has adopted eight children from Venezuela. All of whom are here tonight! except for her adopted son Jimmy who is gay.
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Well, she's one tough lady. I bet her pants smell like daisies.
Troy Burger: And how!
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Wait, she's gonna put it all in just like she's seen a pair of cowboys to ride. I tell you, that last round she won it with a hand full of doggie balls.
Troy Burger: She sure did! Those eights'll kill ya. Terry Kim, the Destroyer, he has not budged, fit as a fiddle. The guy smokes three packs of Redwoods, drinks a cocktail every five minutes, but still, he keeps on coming! Relentless!
Malcolm Fitzherbert: I mean, that kind of luck is what a serious training program can do to you.
Troy Burger: Oh yeah. Well, I'll tell you one thing – they are not men, they are not women. No – they are gods.
Malcolm Fitzherbert: His wife and mistress both looking on from the sidelines. Wait... oh, my god!
Troy Burger: Oh mercy! Remember the date! Remember the time! Remember where you were sitting when you saw THIS!
Malcolm Fitzherbert: And for those new to our sport, where have you been?
Troy Burger: It is all on this next three cards. Or the one after.
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Or the one after that.
Troy Burger: Yes, it's ridiculous! We've had it all here tonight. Quite, uh... Q-Quite amazing!
Malcolm Fitzherbert: It's a three! It's a three! It's a three!
Troy Burger: Amazing! that doesn't help anyone...
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Next card is coming up. This tension is killing me!
Troy Burger: Me too.
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Man, watching other people play cards is so exciting!
Troy Burger: Yes.
Malcolm Fitzherbert: Terry Kim has such a poker face. The pros at this sport measure themselves as to how many chips they have right now. It's like a whorehouse, you can be dealt something that you carry with you all your life.
Troy Burger: After seeing this, I don't need to live anyway, because I have seen it ALL tonight! You know, I have a small pair, but I talk a good game. Ooogh, here comes the turn...
Interpolating
Malcolm Fitzherbert: It--it-- it's, such... oh, my god.
Troy Burger: Oh wow. Wow. Wow!
Malcolm Fitzherbert: It's the nine of clubs! You know, he could have gotten an ace or a queen!
Troy Burger: Oh yeah, he sure could have! Or even a seven or a two!
Malcolm Fitzherbert: True, True. But the devil wears 9s tonight. It's nine steps to Heaven for Phil "Deadman" Davidson. If he gets the next card.
Troy Burger: That's right. It's all in the river. Oh! This-This is what we live for! Wow, luck has really shined on "Cocksure" Chris Cummings. The rest of these guys should really think about killing themselves, because when you lose at poker on TV, life is the pits. Here it comes... Here it comes, oh my god!!!
Malcolm Fitzherbert: That's all we have time for, here in Venturas. This has been a Jeremiah TV production in association with Shark Credit Cards, because this show has been extortionate value, and Lovemeet, 'cause we've made you whole again. For all of us at the Venturas Poker Challenge, bet it all, don't play it safe, and go home a winner!
'Venturas Poker Challenge' ends.
Weazel News commercial begins.
Weazel News commercial narrator (same as Anti John Hunter commercial narrator?): How will you know if terror is about to win?
Weazel News female reporter: A terror alert this afternoon in Liberty City.
Weazel News male reporter: An awesome terrible tragedy tonight in the south slopes section of Broker.
Weazel News commercial narrator (same as Anti John Hunter commercial narrator?): Weazel news – the news Liberty City trusts.
Weazel News female reporter: Are you a sex offender? find out tonight.
Weazel News male reporter: Ethnics are at it again! Weazel news is on the scene hovering at a safe level in our chopper.
Weazel News commercial narrator (same as Anti John Hunter commercial narrator?): The best in political news and analysis.
Weazel News female reporter: Today President Lawton suspends habeas corpus and saved freedom.
Weazel News male reporter: That's excellent.
Weazel News commercial narrator (same as Anti John Hunter commercial narrator?): And Weazel Chopper 4 – if someone's in trouble or on fire, the Weazel News chopper is there on top of the action.
Weazel News male reporter with a megaphone: Sir, you there on fire, could you face the camera please?.
Weazel News commercial narrator (same as Anti John Hunter commercial narrator?): Hard-hitting stories, attractive news anchors with great hair. Self-consciously multicultural with racist undertones – It's the Weazel news team. Anchor Cindy Shiny, Charles Justice, Meteorologist Artie Schneider, street reporter Sheila Hitano, and Kenny Lapalano with the sports! We call it news. Your team for the war on terror, the weather, and sports. Weazel News.
Weazel News commercial ends.
Katt Williams's performance at Split Sides begins.
Split Sides announcer: Recorded live from the capital of the world, Liberty City! The famous Split Sides comedy club invites you to line up and bring the love to the comedy club where the drinks ain't cheap! Welcome to the stage, Mr. Katt Williams!
Crowd cheering and clapping.
Katt Williams: Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you, appreciate it. Liberty City...woohoo! This is great. (Man from crowd: Yeah!) This is great, I've never...
Katt Williams: Never been here before, it's my first time. As a visitor to Liberty city, this is amazing. The speed and the pace at which this city works. Went on a mini adventure today, I got up, got dressed, got my swagger right, had my bravado and I decided I'm going to cross a Liberty City street slowly.
Crowd laughing
Katt Williams: Not gonna happen. Everything moves so fast here, why are people moving so-- I don't-- a homeless man ran past me, where could he possibly be fucking going? (*crowd laughing*) He could lay down... and be home immediately. Just lay down and be home, but he was speeding past me at a furious pace. Everything is so fast here in Liberty City, It's crazy. It's crazy, your gas prices are too high – 69 dollars a gallon, (*crowd laughing*) bit ridiculous. My car costs about 72 dollars. Let's try to get it back in focus. People don't speak here in Liberty City, I don't know. It's like they're scared to be shot or something. (*crowd laughing*) I-I spoke all day, "Hey, how are ya?" – nothing, "Good looking at ya, ma'am" – nothing, "Hello, Officer?" – nothing. It's a crazy city. I'm enjoying it though, it's very exciting. A lot of options here, a lot of options in Liberty City. You can get whatever you want. You like pussy? Of course you do! (*crowd laughing*) It's here! in Liberty City, some of the best I've ever had. I'll tell ya that. You know a pussy's good when you're inside of it and you're thinking about other things other than sex. (*crowd laughing*) Like things, like, "Wow... Wow... I love gingerbread cookies..."
Crowd laughing
Katt Williams: when you're thinking that in the pussy, that's when you know it's good shit. The best weed in the world may be right here in Liberty City. I was so high earlier today I had a complete discussion with myself... in the mirror. (*crowd laughing*) Threatening, threatening. I couldn't believe I snuck up on me like that and I was furious about it! You ever had weed so good that you get stuck? You know, stuck. Stuck like when you need to leave, you wanna leave, you gotta leave, but you can't fucking go? (*crowd laughing*) STUCK – that's what you find here in Liberty City. You've got everything. The greatest basketball team. (*crowd clapping, cheering, and whistling*) Who's fucking with the Liberty City Warriors? It's crazy. I remember, there used to be this guy played as good as the guy you guys got, but he didn't want to pass the ball, he'd never pass the ball. And so the rest of the team was just up and down, just, they were physically fit but never scored any points. This selfish bastard, (*crowd laughing*) they were just chasing him down the court, just...
Katt running left and right on stage as the crowd is laughing
Katt Williams: I'm open! Nothing.. nothing...
Katt Williams: Liberty City's got a team made out of Warriors, you need that, you need a strong, you need a strong team. You gotta be strong anyway, it's a weak world. You come to Liberty City and you can get strong in this weak world. I know it's weak. I started out weak. I wasn't always tall like this folks. (*crowd laughing*) Used to be short. A lot going on when you're short. People lie to you, my parents looked me directly in the eyes and told me, without a shadow of doubt – eat all your vegetables, drink your milk, you'll grow up big and tall. Lying son of a bitches! (*crowd laughing*) You know how many vegetables I ate? Hmm, any idea? You how much milk I consumed? I should be the size of a cow! Why am I not the same size of a cow? I drank the same thing the fucking cow drank. (*crowd laughing and clapping*) Still short. Knew I was short because I, I-I wore one pair of jeans probably 5 years through school, 5. You could tell how old I was because of the ring, where I would cuff it (*crowd laughing*), then let the cut out it, quarter of an inch, I grew a quarter of an inch, and I'd let it out and there'd be that other line, and then. Yeah, I'm not depressed, I'm just saying. If you got short kids at home go home and kiss 'em 'cause it's terrible. Thank you, goodnight.
Crowd cheering and clapping.
Katt Williams's performance at Split Sides ends.
Homoerectus commercial.
Homoerectus announcer (same as 72 commercial announcer?): It's coming back to Weazel, another season of the Weazel history drama, Homoerectus – Science meets forbidden love. Only on Weazel.
Waning with the Stars commercial begins.
Weazel News reporter (same as Burger Shot narrator): '80s sitcom star and a passenger are paralyzed in what police say is part of a reality show. We're live on the scene.
Waning with the stars narrator ((same as Anti John Hunter commercial narrator?): You just can't help getting sucked in on the way down. The #1 rated reality show is coming back for another season. Waning with the Stars – the show where we follow formerly big celebrities on their way down. See ordinary contestants paired with deathwish drug-addled celebrities to see who hits the skids first and how far they slide. Remember Cherice McCormic? She was on the most popular sitcom of the '80s. Now she's on a serious bender reduced to shooting skinflicks for crack. And you'll see contestants try to keep up as they freebase, get into high-speed chases, and surf internet porn with '80s professional wrestler – The Grinder. 5 contestants, 1 fading dream, a ton of alcohol and drug abuse. Enjoy watching once smug celebrities who have hit rock bottom stay there. Waning with the Stars – A new season coming soon on Weazel.
Waning with the Stars commercial ends.


The Lost and Damned[]

Transcript
(Weazel News ad plays)
Announcer: Coming up later on Weazel News, are you eating rat feces? And have pedophiles invaded your computer? We'll show you how to find out. And a special report on parenting -- how to tell if your teen daughter is still a virgin.
(A woman in an Electrictit video grunts as she's spanked by another woman)
Announcer: We call it news. Traffic, weather, and the war on terror together -- Weazel News.
(Republican Space Rangers - Episode 456 plays)
Theme song: "Republican Space Rangers!

Intergalactic war on terror,
We don't worry 'bout collateral damage or error!
cause we're nuking hate, we're spreading freedom and liberty!
Sometimes we kill with undue glee (Oh, was that your home? Sorry!)
Gotta complete the mission!
Impossibly deny extraordinary rendition!
Spreading American values, sometimes you gotta bomb an orphanage or two!

Republican Space Rangeeeeeeeers!"
Announcer: With the universe full of terrorists trying to infiltrate America, who do you call? REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS! They are Butch, the Commmander, and Dick! When we last met the rangers, they were bravely defending the borders of our universe from the horrors of illegal aliens.
Republican Space Rangers: Republican Space Rangers! Kill first, film it, and stick it on the internet later!
Announcer: Episode 456 - "Trouble Brewing Down South!"
Commander: I tell you what, boys. There is nothing like barbecue space chicken to make you feel patriotic! Gentlemen, we are on the front lines of freedom right here! This is where our civilization ends, and a universe of untold savagery begins. Any illegal alien in my grids try to sneak through this checkpoint, our standing orders are to deport them permanently to H, E, double toothpicks!
Butch: (burps)
Dick: Amen!
Commander: Hoorah!
(The space chicken clucks inside the barbecue, and the Commander fires a shot from his plasma gun at it, charring it instantly)
Commander: Shut up and get tender, bitchass!
(Fires his gun again)
Butch: Hey, uh...how come I can hear that gunshot? You know, sound don't travel through no space.
Dick: Huh? Oh...God DAMN IT, BUTCH! YOU'RE FUCKIN' UP OUR CHARACTER CONTINUIT-AH! You're supposed to be dumb as sticks!
Butch: I'm just sayin', all them space movies you hear, you know, with them lasers and ships flyin' by...but you can't hear nothin' in space for real. Space is a vacuum cleaner, full'a dark matter, and impossibly dense.
Dick: I got some impossibly dense dark matter for you. (farts) Mmm, mmm...dinner's ready, boys.
(Butch and Dick laugh)
Commander: Oh! Holy snap an asshole!
Dick: Hey, look at you, Mr. Fuckin' self-improvement elitist with your fancy learning. Hey look, I got all the educations I need. It's called a guuuun.
Commander: Holster that weapon, soldier! Need I remind you that dark matter is what we're supposed to stop from creeping into the blessed homeland?! Butch, what are you, some kind of elite son of a bitch now? Yeah, livin' up in your ivory tower, listening to your...jam bands and your...rap music and whatnot?! Are you social networking on me, boy?
Butch: Uh, Commander. I-I read all this on them internets...
Commander: Internets?! So help me, you better not have yourself a blog, boy! The Internets! Well, she ain't for learnin'! She's for postin' unsubstantiated lies on message boards, calling people fags and foreign n' shit! Do you read me?!
Butch and Dick: Yes sir!
Dick: A-And chattin' with underage girls with large hairy hands and Adam's apples and thick ankles that don't shave!
(Record scratch)
Commander: Uh, anyway...you two shut your beer holes and be on the lookout for illegal imm-a-grants!
(My Country Tis of Thee plays)
Commander: They're a scourge, I tell you, gentlemen. Why, when my people came to this country, the last thing they wanted was to be joined by a lot of foreigners once the place was full! It's just like the constitution says -- we the freaking people! I repeat! We the freakin' motherfuckin' people!
(Record scratch, followed by an alarm blaring)
Butch: D'oh! Hey, we've got a live one there, fellers!
(Cut to a starving, presumably homeless, alien carrying a bowl and wearing a cardboard sign that says "PLEEZ HELP")
Commander: Woah! Incoming combatant! Lock and load, prepare fire, boys, on my command! Fire!
Commander, Butch, and Dick (while shooting the alien): Wee! Wooh!
Butch: Oh, baby!
Dick: You try to soil this gistin' outpost to the homeland with your funny language and meringue-ay hoohah, and I'll shoot a load right in your fart box, boy!
Commander: Uh...y-yeah. Anyway, it's another great day for spreading freedom, boys! What say we hit the hay--oh, but before we go...Julio! Ahbed! Ming-ho! Get your sorry tentacle arses out here on the double!
(Ahbed farts out a duster)
Julio: ¿Si, señor Commander?
Dick: Oh, Julio, Julio, Julio...we said it a million fuckin' times! Let me be very clear! God speaks English! My Bible is in English! I am English! This am Englandish! SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH!
Julio: Si--si--sorry, señor bossman! England very pretty!
Dick: IS very pretty!
Commander: Cut the crap, the two of ya! England is full of homos! Anyways, listen up, Julio! While me and the real heroes catch some Z's, you zeros give the ship a little cleaning and a good once-over! You people are good at that, aren't you? Listen up, my alien friend! The American dream begins under the table! Untaxed at $1.50 an hour! You don't like it? I'm calling immigration come morning!
Julio: Si, señor.
Dick: Alright, now, vamos amigos! (coughs) Damn heathen language makes m' mouth taste like turd just speakin' it! Hit the fuckin' rack, boys!
(Faint Latin pop music can be heard from the outside as the Commander can be heard snoring)
Dick: Uh, Commander, you asleep?
Commander: Wha--huh? Grab your socks, it's a reh--what?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY BUNK, SOLDIER?!
Dick: Hi, uh...I got cold, and I keep thinking I hear crickets, you know--
Commander: Oh, Goddamnit, Dick, those ain't crickets! That's my new bangle sleep machine! See, it plays soothing sounds that help me sleep! Comforting things, like the sound of crickets, or rifles cocking or, aliens cowering, or flags unfurlin'...Now get your ass back to your bunk and get some shut-off, soldier! That's an order! ...and leave my teddy bear.
(Light turns off, and Butch gets off the ship at 3:32 AM in the next scene)
Alien: Oh, thank you so much for coming. My family is starving!
Butch: So, I-I brought you some beans. Y'all people like that, right? Beans...
Alien: Anything!
Butch: Oh...I'm so confused!
Alien: But why?
Butch: Well, you're filthy alien scum. And I got a mandate here from the Lord God Almighty and Weazel News to kill you, but...I just want me a new friend...will you be my little buddy?
Alien: But I...I-I don't know! What do we have in common? I like reading and art and philosophy and studying the universe. What do you like?
Butch: I like TV, and breakfast buffets, 'n' mega churches, 'n' rodeo, 'n' killin' people...only...I don't really like that last part...I'm so confused, alien scumbaggy, I'm all alone! (cries)
Alien: Now, now, now please, please. What about the other two psychotic rednecks in there? The one with the murderous rage, and the inbred one always complaining about his sweaty groin? They seem like your kind of people.
Butch: Oh, yeah, man. I mean, uh...I like Butch and the Commander and all that, but...we don't have so much in common no more.
Commander: That's because we ain't butt-fuckin' queers!
Butch (off-screen): Oh, shit!
Commander: Unlike you and this intellectual elitist cocksucker!
Alien: I beg your pardon?
Commander: Consortin' with the enemy, huh? Givin' him comfort, are ya?
Dick: You might as well be pink sock in the motherfucker!
Commander: Hoorah!
Butch: Hey, y'all been there since beans, haven't you?
Alien: Hey, excuse me, but how can I be homosexual? I had 14 kids. That is until you KILLED most of them!
Commander: Exactly, motherfucker! Natural selection's what we call it! The way the good Lord intended it! Would've been all of 'em dead if my plasma gun hadn't locked. It's all a clever design, my alien friend. Teach the controversy. Hey! Stop starin' at my penis.
Alien: Oh, please.
Commander: Fuck you, ya fudge-packin' alien scum! Get this straight, boy, I ain't marryin' you! Because it's...it's illegal! And...and fuck you, Butch!
Dick: Hey, I bet that alien's demon seed is going to burn its way into your brain. It's got control of you, Butch!
Butch: No, Dick! Commander, he--he's just my...my friend.
Commander: Your friend? Horseshit, you gay-ass motherfucker! (fires his plasma gun) Dick! New orders! We got queers to kill! Butch likes alien cock!
Alien: Uh, Butch, hurry this way.
Dick: Hey, Butch! Just 'cause you suck cock, it don't make you gay as long as the lights are off! I grew up on a farm! ...Where are these homos?
Commander: Oh! There they are! They're gettin' away!
Butch: I can't believe I've become a traitor! We're like outlaws now. You gon' call me the bandit?
Alien: Oh, they'll probably hang you.
Butch: Oh, no...I didn't join the Space Marines for this! I signed up to protect Earth and kill foreigners and have video games made about me!
Alien: Life is complicated.
Butch: I know, I saw that commercial.
(The alien ship's screen turns red, reading "Warning! Incoming fascists" above an image of the Republican Space Rangers' ship)
Butch: Oh, man, it's them! We got a smokey on our backside, little buddy!
(The Commander appears on the red screen)
Commander: Listen up, Butch! Your backside is really gonna be smokin' when I'm done with you, do you read me over?
Dick: Yeah! You stop your poontangin' around with insurgents! You are threatinin' our way of life! You shall be liquidated like bad debt!
Commander: With no rescue bill inside, motherfucker! Insurgents, prepare to die!
(The alien ship passes through a halo, but the Republican Space Rangers' ship is stuck)
Alien: Oh, piss off, dickhead.
Dick: Watch this! I call it Operation: Shitstorm in a Basket!
(Dick activates Hyper Drive, but that does nothing other than leave the ship looking flaccid)
Commander: Oh. Oh, shit! All systems are offline! Hah! This can mean only one thing!
Dick: What?
Commander: Cyber terrorism!
Dick: (sobs) Butch! We're runnin' outta air in here! It's like that choking game I liked to play with my dad...only it's real.
Alien: We've got to save your friends!
Butch: They called me gay! Maybe we oughtta just let 'em die.
Alien: It's called transference, buddy. It's basic Jungian psychology. From your planet! We have to save those morons or we'll be just as bad as they!
Butch: Well, okay then...
Butch: Hey! Y'all need to get in the seminal vesicle airlock and hit the eject button. We'll catch you!
Dick: I'm goin' out like I began!
Commander: Hoorah, motherfucker!
(The two of them are ejected out of the ship, screaming for their lives)
Announcer: Will the Commander and Dick explode in the vacuum of space? Will Butch become a granola-eating liberal pinko? Will the Commander offend any other minorities?
Commander: Taking a handicapped woman against her will!
Announcer: Will the alien sign a book deal with a women's magazine discussing conflict resolution in your marriage? Will liberals ever stop hating America?
Crowd: NO!
Republican Space Rangers: Find out next time, only on Republican Space Rangers!
Announcer: Republican Space Rangers!

The Ballad of Gay Tony[]

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Transcript
News Anchor: Tomorrow, only on Weazel! A terrorism special! Why fear is your best friend? Find out: are helicopters really safe? How to tell if undocumented workers in your neighborhood are really a terror cell! And...how to protect yourself with this city's appalling restriction on gun ownership. A special look at day trips to nearby states that sell over-the-counter assault weapons. The Weazel terrorism special. Weazel News! Standing up to the liberal agenda, one issue at a time.
The Men's Room begins
The Men's Room Announcer: The show that knows what today's men want: power tools, moisturizer, and domestic violence. In The Men's Room with Bas and Jeremy!
Man (off-screen): Hey, you guys are taking forever in this bathroom!
Bas Rutten: Hey! Don't bother me in the men's room.
Jeremy St. Ives: Yeah!
Announcer: And now for your hosts, Bas Rutten and Jeremy St. Ives!
(An audience cheers over an electric guitar riff as Bas and Jeremy run closer to the camera to wave at them)
Bas Rutten: All right, hi, everybody, my name is Bas Rutten!
Jeremy St. Ives: And I'm--
Bas Rutten: And welcome to The Men's Room! (jumps up and kicks) Yeah! Yeah! Let's guuuuh--get up, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do, let's do this! Listen, the ratings are coming in and people come to me and they say, "Bas, how is this show on the air?" and I say, "This...is a reality show."
Jeremy St. Ives: Yes.
Bas Rutten: Two men in the bathroom talking, that's reality. That's where we can be ourselves. Talk about women, talk about love, and talk about snapping the vertebrae in the man's spine...
Jeremy St. Ives: How about going to the phones?
Bas Rutten: How about going to the phones? I know it's time to go to the phone--Hey! Let's go to the phones!
(A telephone rings, accompanied by text saying "Time to hear from our idiotic drooling fans..." in all caps)
Bas Rutten: So, who's on line eight? Hello? Who's there?
Caller #1: I am watching youuu...
Jeremy St. Ives: Who is this?
Caller #1: I know where you live. I'm watching you! I'm in your house!
Bas Rutten: I'm sorry, Sir Creepy Guy, but I'm going to break your leg. Please attack me and I will please return the favor. I'm gonna rip off your arm and I'm gonna beat you with the red end...BANG! BANG! And then, I'm gonna make love to your femur, y'know? Just like a dog.
(Bas gestures near his crotch and thrusts it while panting like a dog)
Jeremy St. Ives: Bas, don't, don't, I-I'm really scared. Maybe it's that serial killer everybody's talking about.
Bas Rutten: I don't think so. He kills homosexuals, and whereas we, Jeremy, we are tough guys. Tough as nails. Nails! You know what? I shoot a nail into my hand right now.
(After shooting a nail into his left hand, Bas grunts and breathes heavily for a moment)
Bas Rutten: That's what we're all about. About helping people through difficult times in The Men's Room.
Jeremy St. Ives: Yeah, that's--th-that's right. Difficult times.
Bas Rutten: You know what? You know what?
Jeremy St. Ives (quietly): What?
Bas Rutten: Okay...I wanna tell you something. On the streets, everything is legal. Being a men...is legal.
Jeremy St. Ives: Well, not quite everything is legal, Bas, uh...but, between consenting adults, most people turn a blind eye these days.
Bas Rutten: I never turn a blind eye. You turn a blind eye, listen, you're gonna get blinded. BANG BANG BANG! Listen, I get my wisdom from the Greeks. You must be like a centaur: part man, part horse. You get drunk and carry off the maiden, and anybody say anything, what do we do, Jeremy?
Jeremy St. Ives: Knee to the groin?
Bas Rutten: EXACTLY, YES! RIGHT THERE! PWOOOOH! That's GOTTA hurt! You're playing a game and we're calling this game...blue ball baseball. I did it once in the bar brawl in Manila. And all the guy had--GAH!
(Bas, gasping for breath, removes his left hand from the bench that he nailed himself to. His voice sounds weaker for a moment)
Bas Rutten: All that guy had left...was his blind eyes. I walk to him...and I go, "Pow, pow, pow!" Just three little jabs. Is that a retainer on your shirt, or are you just glad to see me? Poh! Poh! POH! Three hooks later, I slide him down the bar, his face is full of fucking glass. I swear to God, he'll never see again, it's...I...I do a shot, I play some pinball, and then, just for good measure, an elbow, DOOSH!, to the face, just like that.
Jeremy St. Ives: Yeah...well, you know what I don't turn a blind eye to? Blind people with the seeing eye dogs. They don't have to pick it up. I mean, I wish I could poop in public without having to pick it up.
Bas Rutten: I have no idea what you're just talking about but hey, listen, I'm sure it's covered in my next book. Pre-order now to avoid disappointment, ladies and genemal. (Phew!)
Jeremy St. Ives: Yeah, great! Just what the world needs! Another book about how to solve conflict with a nail gun and a bad temper. You heteros are all the same. Let's go to the phones.
(A telephone rings, accompanied by text saying "This phone call is sponsored by" in all caps)
(A sponsorship for Bleeter appears, along with text underneath the logo, reading "Nothing is mundane if you tell the world.")
Jeremy St. Ives: Hello, line five.
Paula: Hi! Uh, my name is Paula. I-I'm in Vice City. I've been married for a few years and my man has gone right off on me. I mean, I rarely cheat, and we got a great life together, three kids, we go to church, but the sex is dried right up. What should I do? I've tried lingerie, havin' threesomes and even screwin' the neighbor to make him jealous, but nothing works!
Bas Rutten: Paula, girl, I see your problem.
Jeremy St. Ives: Hm.
Bas Rutten: You gotta get back to the basics, because that's your problem. You know what a great aphrodisiac is? Anger. Pain is even better. Just don't take it too far. That's why grudge sex is the best sex you can have.
Jeremy St. Ives: Tss...eh.
Bas Rutten: You gotta hate him, Paula. That's what I'm telling you, you gotta hate him.
Paula: Um...okay.
Bas Rutten: Yeah, and every time you make love, don't make love. Call him names.
(Jeremy can be heard giggling to himself)
Bas Rutten: I really mean it. Little dick, no balls, that kind of stuff. Let him hit you a few times--BUCK! Just on your freaking face, and then you really let him have it. I said to my lady, "Really, come on, smack me around, take that chair, hit it right across my head." BAM--because that's erotic. That! Men like this, Paula, I'm telling you, and then, Paula, give it to him...with a baseball bat. So he's seconds away from calling the cops. Or, of course, we can always deliver the good crane kick in the pelvis!
Jeremy St. Ives: Heheh, Bas...
Paula: Uh, okay. Thanks, Bas, I'll be sure to try that and let you know.
Bas Rutten: Thanks.
Jeremy St. Ives: Next caller, come into The Men's Room.
(A telephone rings, accompanied by text saying "Time for more feedback from the DNA disasters known as our fans" in all caps)
Bas Rutten: Jeremy bud, this show is gonna be fucking GREAT!
Jeremy St. Ives: Oh oh. So, uh, who's on the phone?
Travis: Hey Bas, my name's Travis. Your show sucks! You're not so tough. Yo, you teach all this stuff, but I could take you, trust me. I have a gun! All your stupid roundhouse kicks and stuff can't beat a gun, homie! Lead travels fast, BIATCH!
Bas Rutten: Ah, Travis, buddy, please hang on the line, okay? Because I want to tell you something. The garden of lavender and roses is one that you have to crawl through over thorns with a knife in your mouth.
Jeremy St. Ives: Exactly.
Bas Rutten: You bite back the tears with the blood running down your face.
Jeremy St. Ives: Hmm.
Bas Rutten: This...analogy is for life and it's all covered in my next book. Crawling through the garden of lavender and roses over thorn with a knife in your mouth, and slightly aroused.
Jeremy St. Ives: Yes.
Bas Rutten: Listen, I teach you, Travis. You live in Liberty City, right? Uh, Tudor?
Travis: Uh, uh...yeah! But...but how do you know that?
Bas Rutten: Well, let me tell you this, pretty soon, in about five minutes, you will hear a knock on your door and three guys will be there.
Jeremy St. Ives: Hmm.
Bas Rutten: The first rule of violence is...don't always commit the crime yourself. Now, if you are choking on the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come, or making the cyclops cry...it's no matter, because sometimes we all have to wait in the dark. Discipline. I'd rather do Jeremy all the time--discipline! It's discipline. Don't let the images--Jeremy, if your stepfather hound you, don't let him--
Jeremy St. Ives: Don't tell them about stepdaddy.
Bas Rutten: No, no, no, no, you're a man. It's okay.

Trivia[]

  • Weazel's name may be a reference to weasel words, an informal term referring to words and phrases aimed at giving the impression something specific and meaningful has been said, when in reality the opposite is true.

See Also[]

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