First episode

Ray This is Chakra Attack! A new approach to Los Santos County integrated health needs, and I'm your host - Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris. Ommm. Let's all say that again. Ommm. Be cleansed one, be cleansed all, it's time to wake up! It's time to sleep, it's time to wash that dirt out of your systems. It's time to be one, it's time to be one on one. It's time, my brothers, it is time right now - time for my show! Welcome to this week's Chakra Attack with Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris, and I am, as you have already probably ascertained by now, your host, Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris. Have we ommmed yet, Cheryl? Have we ommmed?
Cheryl Yes.
Ray You heard me go "ommm"?
Cheryl Yes.
Ray Well, I take your word for it.
Cheryl Several times.
Ray This is life! This is what we are giving you! So I'm giving you right now, I'm taking a break right now to give you this right here - ommm...
Cheryl Uh-uh.
Ray Woo, you're one fine girl. I need your strength baby, I need you here with me. Stay with me, girl, be conscious of where you are - that's my producer, ladies and gentlemen. Doctor, nurse - Cheryl Fawkes. Ommm. Cheryl. Ommm with me girl. I need you. Ommm.
Cheryl Ommm.
Ray Alright girl, I need you to go deep now, I need you to go deeper.
Cheryl Ommm.
Ray Ommm. Ommm. Together, together, together now, come on now. Ommm. And you out there too! Ommm. If I don't feel you, you can't feel me! Come on, Cheryl, one more time! Ommm. That is beautiful. Yes, we have all ommmed. Whatever are you out there doing, give yourself a big fat ommm. Imagine one great wave of love, one great wave of joy, a great wave of spiritual clarity! Imagine it all ommm over your thighs like a big sticky mess of love. Imagine your soul is like a bazooka! Boom! Or a balloon, that a little innocent child sets free to the heavens. And the camera pans up as that balloon floats free and a swell of music plays as it soars to the heavens. Then it comes down in the ocean, and a turtle eats it, and it has internal hemorrhage and dies. You have killed that turtle. That's the wrong message you're sending! Don't set things free that are going to kill other things! You're attacking the world in the wrong way! Yes you are. That's not the way to live and that is not the message to send! Like a python that's too big for your house. And you set it loose in a schoolyard with children. That python's going to wrap itself around kids, and now you have caused a mess! That is not how we do it here, Cheryl. That is not... The circle of life, that's the circle of life that leads to death! You hear me, Cheryl?
Cheryl I hear you.
Ray I know you hear me. Come on. Ommm. Ommm. Keep reaching for the heavens, and when you get there, be careful, as there is no oxygen in the heavens and the upper regions of the stratosphere and you will die, I promise you, you will die. Ommm. You cannot go to heaven as a human, you can only go to heaven as a damn angel! You hear me?
Cheryl Ommm.
Ray You hear me? Ommm. And that's why heaven is full of angels, and not living breathing people. Because people need oxygen, and there ain't no oxygen up there. It's a bit like one of those self-pleasuring choking games, when you're making love to somebody and you put your hands around their neck. They have life, but then you choke the life out of them while you're pleasuring them.
Cheryl Oh Dr. Ray, I like those.
Ray Hey, most women love that.
Cheryl I love it.
Ray You get on top of a woman - you crush her sternum, you crush her rib cage, you put your hands around her neck and you're giving it to her and taking it away. You're giving life, and you're taking life away at the same time. It's two things going on here - it's a hot and a cold, you know? You're choking, but you're giving life, and feeling. Squeezing the love into them but squeezing the life out. It's an in and then a out motion going on here. You have just played the choking game! That's health. That's integration. That's what we are here to do every morning before we get started -  we always ommm. That's the Chakra Attack! Hey Cheryl!
Cheryl Yes, Dr. Ray.
Ray What I just say?
Cheryl "Ommm."
Ray What I just say one more time?
Cheryl "Ommm."
Ray What I just say?
Cheryl "Ommm", Dr. Ray, "Ommm".
Ray What I just say? You out there, what I just say? What did I just say? I said "Ommm". Bang bang bang! No... That ain't the sound of me banging you.
Cheryl Okay.
Ray That's the sound of me attacking your Chakra! We're bringing Western street knowledge and Eastern spirituality together in a unified approach to contemporary integration - such that the mind and body are one. Such that the ignorance and knowledge be one. Such that the sense and the nonsense be one. When you put sense and nonsense together, what the hell do you got? You got some bullshit going on in your mind! That's everything mushed together like a goddamn jambalaya! Peanut butter and ice cream, gum and butter - ants in your damn pants. It all makes sense, because if you eat peanut butter ice cream, you're going to get diarrhea! And you're going to have ants in your pants.
Cheryl Are they eating the butter?
Ray They eating the shit! What do you think they're eating? Ants eat your shit, because you done ate that peanut butter and that damn ice cream!
Cheryl But do the ants go... Do they crawl in your butthole?
Ray No, they just eat the shit that's coming out your ass! When things don't agree with you, that's what I'm talking about. Now that's sense and that's nonsense together, and they do not agree with each other, and now they have merged and gave your ass diarrhea. We're cleansing everything - mind, body and your spirit. We're going big! We're going all the way. Nirvana, prudah, Valhalla... limbo! And this being Vinewood - bimbo, himbo and dumbo. Around the world and back again. You're on a round trip, girl, to spirituality! A round trip.
Cheryl Okay.
Ray This is the full set. It's something all encompassing. Like a big compass which has everything in it. Not just a silly arrow that tells you which way to go north, but also a lot of other arrows that tell you other shit. Like which way to a liquor store, or some fool's getting fresh or if you are at one all with all mankind. A karma compass that tells you street shit and real shit, but also lots of other arrows, a whole bunch of arrows in that damn compass.
Cheryl No, that's just... Isn't that a GPS?
Ray No, no, no, no, no. You thinking about navigation, that kind of shit in your car.
Cheryl Yeah, the liquor store, and...
Ray No, you see, that's where you're wrong. You ain't in a car. You're navigating on foot. You understand?
Cheryl Oh...
Ray Now I don't know what app you got, but your mind is an app. Cheryl, you are a damn app.
Cheryl Whoah.
Ray You're floating! You are floating, girl! Ommm. Now say "Ommm" and you float, and rise yourself off the ground right now in front of all these people on the radio.
Cheryl Okay, alirght. Ommm.
Ray Okay, I want to see... You better rise off the ground! Defy gravity right now!
Cheryl Okay. Ommm.
Ray Cheryl just rose off her ground.
Cheryl I'm still on the ground.
Ray She just rose off the ground.
Cheryl I'm still on the ground.
Ray She's floating on her spirituality right now.
Cheryl You're not being honest.
Ray You understand, she's floating right now. This is a karma compass, everybody, that tells you street shit and real shit. It's like one of them sensors that tell you if there are aliens crawling in the ceiling, and they are getting closer, and you're freaking the hell out, because you are like "This alien is going to drop through this ceiling tile and whoop some ass!" Right, Cheryl? That damn alien is going to come through that ceiling and whoop some human ass! Wududududuwudududuwudududu...while the men is fighting the aliens, the women are in the corner, crying.
Cheryl That's not really fair, but...
Ray It's not fair, but that's what happens in the movies. That's exactly what happens. You hide in the corner, or you try to run and you trip. Not black women, but white women do trip, I'm sorry. I had to go to there with you, but I've got to go there. I had to pull a race card out...
Cheryl You're clumsy...
Ray That's what happens. You sit in that goddamn corner and you start to scream and cry, and while the aliens are killing your man, you are sitting there, crying. Then they take you up to space and then impregnate you - you understand what's gonna happen to you?
Cheryl Ack...
Ray They're going to take you up there and to do it to you. They're going to do it to you good. They're going to do it to you with their, with their, with their, with their alien probe! You understand? That's how they do it. And that's why you gotta get the spirituality in your body right now, come on now - ommm! Ommm. Today, it's all about empowering the ladies. Spiritual things come in threes! A three-parter. Only not sleaze, and no crossing swords, and no worrying about what's right or wrong or if you've enjoyed it too damn much, because you're supposed to enjoy every last bit of it, Cheryl.
Cheryl Yes.
Ray Do you enjoy every last bit of it?
Cheryl I enjoy most of it, yeah. I don't know about the aliens taking me to bed.
Ray You don't know if you're going to enjoy that because it hasn't happened yet. You have no idea what that alien's got in his alien penis. You understand? No one knows what kind of schlong an alien has. You don't know that, Cheryl, so don't speak on it before you know what the hell you're doing, because you're supposed to enjoy it all. Every last bit of it! All life should be enjoyed. Right, Cheryl?
Cheryl Uh-huh.
Ray You're enjoying life, right?
Cheryl Yeah, I love my life.
Ray You go to those music festivals and take molly and listen to some old-ass has-beens play a 25-minute version of a song - 25 damn minutes of the same damn bullshit you done heard before. Patchouli and nitrous, am I right?
Cheryl I love camping, and being in nature, like next to my car. 50 thousand other people getting spiritual, sucking on balloons, Dr. Ray. And then when you wake up you're in some people's tent and you have no idea what happened. I love it.
Ray That's right. Spiritual-ness is all about wherever you get your core energy.
Cheryl Yeah. Yeah!
Ray Get in a train in a campsite with absolute strangers while high on hallucinogens - don't matter if you're black, white, yellow, old, young, or bit of every damn thing, blind, crippled and crazy - that is the path to true enlightenment. You will know a lot about yourself after you get on that damn train with a blind, crippled and crazy person. That damn train starts rolling, someone's gonna yell out "All aboard!".
Cheryl Yeah...
Ray You're getting spiritual.
Cheryl Yes.
Ray Now talking of journeys. Every last bit of this crazy journey we are on is called getting respected by any means necessary. I take pride in what the hell you're looking at, because that lets me know what the hell I got. You see, Cheryl? Enjoy the view. Enjoy the view! There's a horizon over there. There's mountains, there's peaks, and there's valleys everybody. You understand? Share the women but just don't leave no stains, because that ain't nice. You don't leave a stain on a man's lady! Oh! Is that nice, Cheryl?
Cheryl No.
Ray Is that nice, Cheryl, for you to get on top of another man's woman and leave stains and don't go to that restroom and get you a towel and wipe her off?
Cheryl That's not... That's very unsanitary and it's not nice.
Ray It's very unsanitary. You have stained me. Because every time I make love to my woman, all I'm thinking about is what, Cheryl?
Cheryl The stain that...
Ray That's what I'm thinking about in my mind. I can't get aroused if I'm thinking about the stain that that man left on my lady! Ommm. Let me take a breath. Let me breathe now. I am Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris and I'm your spiritual guide, Los Santos. I'm a registered health practitioner with an internationally recognized degree. I'm a trained yogi who can suck both of his big toes at once. I'm an expert in cleansing, a devotee of colonics and a wise man. You know what colonics are?
Cheryl Yeah.
Ray What do colonics go through?
Cheryl It's... It goes through your butthole.
Ray Your ass. It goes through your ass, Cheryl. I'm a compassionate lover and a fierce warrior all at the same time. Sometimes I'm a warrior and compassionate at the same time, they don't know where I'm coming from sometimes. That lady's laying there on top of that bed confused because she don't know where I'm coming from. I'm like a pitcher throwing a curveball or a slider. You understand? You don't know what's coming, because you ain't the catcher. You see? See what I just did? See how I did that? I went into your head and took you to a baseball game. You understand? I am a compassionate lover and a fierce warrior. I spoon, I fork and knife, and that's what the Chakra Attack is all about. Lovemaking sometimes means you're here to wrestle, or howl like an animal. Awooo! Awooo! Anyway, let's go to the phones. Speak, my child. I love you with all that I have, take what you want of me and leave me spent...
Caller 1 Hello? Hello?
Ray Speak up, homie.
Caller 1 Hello? Uhh... Hello?
Ray Oh, for land's sake. Cheryl, give me a better caller, sugar. Guy was a fool! He had me on mute! Who the hell puts Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris on mute? You kidding me? You disrespecting me? Seriously, woman?
Cheryl Ray, chill the hell out, you're on the radio. I'll light some incense, calm.
Ray I am calm, but I'm also angry. That is a duality! That's what Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris is all about - duality! Two-ality! Do you understand, woman? I can't be understood by you, right? I'm talking a foreign language to you! I'm amazing, you understand? Just get me another caller and stop playing the woman card with your unshaven legs and pierced nose and disdained look for everyone else.
Cheryl Ack...
Ray Yeah, you do. You have a disdained look for everybody in my universe. Seriously. I can read your mind and you're wrong, you're dead wrong, okay? Who we got? Caller! Speak!
Caller 2 Hi Ray! Big fan of the show. Ommm.
Ray Ommm back at you, brother. Big ommm. Big ommm with cheese on top. Ommm. Organic cheese as well. Like from a cow.
Caller 2 This is so exciting. I knew I was going to get on this week, I really did. Dr. Ray, think I'm psychic - can I be a guest on your show? I know the answer, I know the answer is no, because... because...
Ray Because you're batshit crazy, nutcase! Locked up in some loony bin and you call me every week. You call every damn week, running your phone bill up talking that bullshit!
Caller 2 It's not a loony bin, Dr. Ray - it's a high-security mental institution. I never got convicted of a crime. I'm very thorough about DNA cleanup. I'm a spiritual being, Dr. Ray, I'm just like you. Ommm. Damn it, Dr. Ray, you're not omming with me.
Ray I feel your pain, my brother. We are all one but some of us are also two. And that's that. Bye now! Cheryl, keep that freak off my goddamn show. Talking of freaks - let me tell you about some nasty twins named Tammy and Sammy who have restraining orders against me after some hot yoga got out of hand? Hot yoga started and it went out of control! Weren't my fault. Damn women - it was 120 degrees! I was getting spiritual! Cheryl knows - I act out when I think I'm going to die. Oh, I'm a terrible fright on a damn airplane. You've gotta see me fly. Oh, I'm terrible.
Cheryl It's true, they have to scramble the jets.
Ray Listen, when we're getting through turbulence, I grab a titty! That's the first thing I'm thinking about because that's where my mind goes sometimes. If we're gonna die - we're gonna go down in a fetal position. Fetuses want titties! I ain't sucking no damn thumb! I'm going out the same way I came in - everything in the universe is about two. And that again is a duality. When one become two, problems can arise. I am very clear about this in my book. Cheryl, what's the name of the goddamn book?
Cheryl "When One Becomes Two, Problems Can Arise - A Study In Duality by Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris".
Ray There you go, there you go! Many are called, but few are chosen correctly out of a police lineup. I choose you, caller. Speak to me! Ommm with me.
Caller 3 Hey, man, I'm calling you from jail.
Ray Dad? Is that you? Hello? Daddy!
Caller 3 Uhh, no.
Cheryl You know you don't know who your dad is.
Ray I know that one day he's going to hear me on the radio and realize the spiritual mistake he made and come back, and we're going to enjoy all the things a father and son should do: fishing, bike riding, three-ways, going to a farmer's market, beekeeping organic honey, knitting... A dad and his boy, you know. Knit one purl two, all that shit. Gangsta style! Blam blam blam blam blam! And I can say: "Dad, I made you a sweater". And it won't fit very well, but he will wear it proudly, and if any man challenges him, he would say: "I ain't no sissy. I ain't no damn sissy. My son made this for me and he is Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris, host of Chakra Attack on WCTR! Who are you screwing with?"
Caller 3 Hey, man, are you going to get to my question?
Ray Oh, I'm sorry, my brother, I went deep, I went too deep. I went six feet under that time.
Caller 3 I shoved a phone up my ass and smuggled it from gen-pop just so I could call your show!
Cheryl Oh, you poor man.
Ray Cheryl loves a conjugal visit.
Caller 3 Listen, I'm here for a real bullshit charge.
Ray What is it?
Caller 3 Triple homicide. Total accident, but they deserved it. Anyway, I'm in a spiritual hole.
Ray We can help you get out that hole, brother! You're in a deep hole! I gotta put my hand my hand down there and pull you up. Cheryl, give me my soul shovel. I'm about to dig this fool out of his chakra hole. Have you fallen down a well, brother? I will pull you out and we can drink of that water together even though you have most likely polluted the ground water, like you've been fracking yourself rotten.
Caller 3 I'm really into zen and omming and yoga and I want to get married to a woman who'll be there for me when I get out in 2025. We can have a baby while I'm in prison. One inmate told me you can smuggle your own baby batter out if you hold it under your tongue and exchange with a family member in the meeting room. Anyway, I know I've made mistakes. I want someone I can grow old with and brutally murder in our golden years.
Ray Ray: I think you need some body whispering. Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris is a spiritual body whisperer. Ommm. Ommm. Many of you might ask, "What are you doing?" I'm omming. "Why are you making that noise?". It relaxes myself and the ladies. You see, ommm is a scientific frequency that lulls the ladies into a relaxed spiritual place where their brain shuts off and their thighs go into overdrive. Mind off, body on. It's like trying to start a car. Zu-zu-zu-zu-zu. Zu-zu-zu-zu-zu. Zu-zu-zu-zu-zu. That mind is a battery, and that battery is drained and dead, but the engine is good. Right? You understand, Cheryl? I can teach you how to get that frequency, but you have to buy my book and my ommm call. You know how duck hunters have a call they blow on that attracts ducks, so they can shoot them like stupid-ass sitting ducks? That's where that term comes from - a sitting duck, because that duck's sitting there. Right? He heard that call and he sat there and got his ass shot. Boom! Feathers everywhere! Floosh! Well, I have developed a bird call that attracts women, and it's called the Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris "Ommm" Spiritual Fine Lady Soothing Call To Attract Women. It's shaped like a sausage and trust me, it looks a bit strange, but blow it - and you'll see. Walk out on your cul-de-sac or the PTA meeting and blow in that thing, and women go mental! Wururururu! Believe me. And sure, you have to blow on a sausage, but while you're blowing on the sausage you want to ommm... Hell, I had a whole yoga studio full of fine women all over me when I blew that sausage-shaped horn. It was like one of them medieval shows on cable, only we didn't have a dwarf or a yak skin for a blanket. Some ignorant fools will say "Are you really humming on that sausage?" No, I'm cleansing myself! Like wheatgrass on your radio. That's how you cleanse yourself.
Cheryl But wheatgrass tastes awful!
Ray It tastes awful. Of course it does. But a sausage-shaped horn does not, you understand? The "wheatgrass through your radio" is a metaphor, it's a figure of speech, you understand? You are a terrible liberal woman! Bad, bad liberal! I bet you don't even give to public radio.
Cheryl No way, why bother? It's so patronizing. It's like being spoken down to by a beggar.
Ray You have to give yourself and your money to public radio, you understand? Do I have to break this down to you, woman? Shut your mouth! That's public radio you're talking about. I am for profit, but many are not. You are barely talking on the show! How am I supposed to teach you the ways of broadcasting, the ways and means, what I means?
Cheryl Oh, relax, Ray.
Ray I cannot relax, girl. I am not into relaxation. Relaxation is weak. I want to be hit. I am strong... Hit me, Cheryl. Hit me with the rainstick, Cheryl.
Cheryl Not this again. I really don't understand how hitting you with a rainstick is helpful.
Ray Turn that upside down. Hear them soothing sounds? That's from Australia, and you're blowing through it.
Cheryl Isn't that called a didgeridoo?
Ray Whatever! Hit me with the stick! I'm a piñata! I'm not a piñata! You hear me?
Cheryl Why are you obsessed with piñatas?
Ray Because that's life, Cheryl. You either is one or you isn't one and sometimes, you both is and you isn't. Ain't you learned nothing? If you would focus on your damn chakra for half a second, all would become clear to you. You can hang yourself in a public square and let people hit you with sticks till candy and coins drop out your ass, or you can sit on the mountain top and ommm. It's simple. I like both. Cheryl, we got all these lines lit up.
Cheryl Let's go to line 4. This guy is really spiritually constipated, he's got an ass full of candy. Let's hit him with one of the big sticks of love.
Ray My friend, what's up? Free yourself. Breathe deep.
Caller 4 Yeah, that's bullshit what you said about coconut water!
Ray Don't you go disrespecting coconut water. That's the nectar of the gods from places that are mad spiritual, with cave paintings, and baking sun, and drum circles, and heat stroke, and where you can swim with dolphins. Dolphins! Wuvuvuvuvu! Wuvuvuvu! And communicate with them! Swim with them and communicate with the dolphins! Dolphins are delivering babies, you punk-ass.
Cheryl I heard that dolphins molest people.
Ray Where did you hear that, woman? TV? That damn anti-spiritual booty box will suck the life out of you in a minute, make your whole innards glaze over like someone threw your soul into an oven all covered in egg white. Like this coconut water fool right here. Ha ha ha! Listen, my friend, I just drank some, and I'm significantly more hydrated than you. I'm hydrated. I'm a whole lot wetter than you. People in tropical locations are never thirsty - they discovered the miracle of coconut water. Crack, slurp, crack, slurp - and you fill your glass up. Now, each coconut maybe contains 6 ounces of coconut juice. Now if you've got a 16 ounce glass, you're going to want to break 2 coconuts and hydrate yourself. Or just chop it up and sprinkle it on a coconut cake. You understand? It's called coconut flakes!
Caller 4 Listen, the next big thing is going to be potato water! People in Ireland are already working on it when they're not brooding over cigarettes. Potato water's going to be huge!
Cheryl Isn't that vodka?
Caller 4 No! In no way! It is the unfermented water from a potato. All moisture should come from nature and be available in easy-open containers. Coconuts are too hard to open. Nature tells you when it's wet and engorged and ready for you to drink! You press a potato - you get a beautiful fresh juice, which is just like orange juice, only better! I've also been trying cactus water, but I impaled myself.
Ray Ray: Oh, I get you. I hear you. Let's bring it together, my brother. Right? We have crossed words, but now, let's make two become one. The duality is back, you understand? We are one now, my brother. I'm upset - you upset; my belly bubbling like I've got to take a crap - you've got to take a crap; my nose running with snot - your nose running with snot. You feel me? Like when you have multiple universes in a comic book. We are all part of one universe now.
Caller 4 Thank you, Dr. Ray.
Ray Nature has all kinds of water. Sometimes, when you're thirsty in the desert, you can grab one of those land mammals and then squeeze water clean out of it. And sometimes I get so into hydration that I let animals pee in my mouth.
Cheryl Eww.
Ray I do.
Cheryl Eww, that's really gross.
Ray Yep. I just love some me some organic water. Now, on previous shows we've talked about factory farming, and how those chemicals ruined everyone's health. You've got to only go organic! Shit is expensive as hell, but the females love it. I hold a head of organic broccoli out the window and chump for them hippie girls. Don't I Cheryl?
Cheryl You sure do.
Ray Let'em hear it, let'em hear it!
Cheryl It's terrifying. It's also terrifying that it works.
Ray Terrifying is right, girl. You know how many intimate unions I've had at the Grain of Truth parking lot? I'll be ripping off yoga pants with my teeth! Who we got next, Cheryl?
Cheryl Line 7 wants to talk about honey.
Caller 5 Dr. Ray De Angelo, I want all of your listeners to know - stop eating honey! My family - we don't even use honey products, or "conflict honey" as we call it, because honey is made under oppressive circumstances. Bees are kept in servitude and sexual bondage. They're like flying veal! And what's worse - male honey bee genitals explode after sex.
Ray Exploding genitals, damn! I learnt how to do that from an ancient Tibetian dude in the mountains when I was over there for a 3-month spiritual journey, where there was no fast food, so it was pretty damn emotional. I told this ancient dude in the hills... I said: "I recycle. I give to public radio and eat organic. But there is an empty part of me that wants a high-fructose corn syrup soda, a big-ass factory-farmed steak, and to slap hippie girls on the ass and treat them like crap instead of putting up with their moronic drama and dreadful taste in music." Hippie drama is the worst kind of drama there can be. And this dude - he was spiritual as hell - do you know what he said to me? Do you know what he said, Cheryl?
Cheryl What did he say?
Ray He said you have to buy the right books, listen to the right music, listen to the girls' hippie drama, and dig down deep inside yourself and ommm like a mo-fo and I did. I did, Cheryl. I ommmed until my momma threw me out of the damn house, and here I am. That was my time to Tibet. At least I think that was Tibet.
Cheryl Are you sure it was Tibet?
Ray Oh, I don't know - some darn place with hills and sheep and everyone singing in choirs, and all are inbred and they played a lot of rugby - things like that. Tibetian stuff, you know. It was real cool playing some Tibetian rugby. Ate some cheese on toast - real Tibetian style, too, legs all crossed - for real! Anyway, let's wind down the show with a final yoga pose after an intense session - Savasina.
Cheryl It's actually Shavasana.
Ray Shavasana... Don't correct me. I'm a yogi, woman!
Cheryl Yes.
Ray Shavasana!
Cheryl Shavasana.
Ray Shavasana!
Cheryl Shavasana.
Ray Shavasana!
Cheryl Shavasana.
Ray I know shavasana or... corpse pose. Cheryl, join me. Come here on the Big Ray yoga mat, girl, lay down like a corpse, like you're dead as a doornail. Lay there like you just got shot or died on a finger-food voyage gone astray. I love me fresh corpse - it's so relaxing. You relax with me out there. You relaxed, Cheryl? You look stiff. Corpses aren't stiff, you understand?
Cheryl Okay, I don't really know what all this means.
Ray Shh. Stare at the ceiling and shut up.
Cheryl Alright...
Ray Think empty thoughts. Clear your brain.
Cheryl Yeah.
Ray Like, go in your head right now. Close your eyes, go in your head, get a whisk broom. You know what a whisk broom is? You've ever been to... You ever seen a barber on TV, and after he cuts your hair, he'll whisk broom you off - the hair off your body?
Cheryl Yeah.
Ray Take a whisk broom, and whisk your brain out your head, clear your thoughts.
Cheryl Okay.
Ray Right, do it now. Do it now. Clear your brain of all of them damn thoughts.
Cheryl Yeah.
Ray You feel empty now?
Cheryl Yeah.
Ray Is your brain empty?
Cheryl Yeah.
Ray Now let's go. Ommm.
Cheryl Ommm.
Ray Man, I'm so empty right now, like I got a colonic in my brain stream - like I crapped the crap out of my brain. Ommm. Hit the outro music!
Cheryl This has been another episode of Chakra Attack with Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris.
Ray Ommm. Shit, ouch!
Cheryl Keep your hands to your yourself!
Ray Don't ever do me that way, woman!

Second episode

Ray Ommm. This is Chakra Attack. We attack you and we are ready to attack all of the negative things in your life, like a car battery - leaving you with only the positive. We move the negative till you're fully charged and ready to drive down the great freeway of life. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, coming through! Ommm. I have some spiritual-ass jumper cables, and you are about to get some mind-boggling currents through your body. Man, I just love that metaphor. We are here to deal with your, Los Santos County, integrated health needs and I'm your host, Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris, here with my producer - nurse Cheryl Fawkes.
Cheryl Hi everybody.
Ray That's jibber and more jabber as your lips vibrate together. Ommm. Damn. You feel that vibration? That's the cleansing vibration that shakes us all free like a wet dog. I woke up the other morning having ommmed all over the inside of my shorts. Ommm. Be cleansed, Cheryl. May your barren womb be artificially inseminated with acorns and moss and good organic things that nature provides us for the squirrels hiding there for the winter.
Cheryl There are no squirrels in my vagina.
Ray There are. Sure, there are. I ate acorns and moss and forage until I was 10 years old! Forage! When my dad abandoned me, I knew it was time to cleanse. I mixed hot sauce and lemon juice till I lost weight like a refugee! That's a cleanse! That's a cleanse! It cleanses your bowels and your soul - your soul come out your bowels, which in turn, come out your ass, Cheryl.
Cheryl Oh, stop making things up. I'm not barren. Who even uses this word - barren? What are you - King James Bible?
Ray I am Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris, bible of duality - that's who I am, girl. Radio refugees, speak to me about your issues in your mind, body and spirit and your 401(k) plan. Who's next? I said - who's next? Wake up, girl, come on now! Are you with me or not? You're not with me right now. Your mind is someplace else, your mind is in the gutter!
Cheryl Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to offend your duality, Dr. Ray. Line 5.
Ray Now, now, now you slow up now. Slow up a second, right. What did you say to me? What did you say to me?
Cheryl I said "Line 5".
Ray Was you disrespecting my duality, weren't you? Because listen, I'm a spiritual being, and if you want to push me... If anybody wants to push me, you'll find out there's a whole lot more than Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris that a doctorate from a respected university and a string of successful books and a top-rated health show. You want to go there, woman? You want a piece of me? You want to party, huh? Because I know things, I know them. Dumb things. I know dumb things and dumb things know me and therefore, dumb things don't know that I don't know dumb things so I know dumb things, because dumb things are right in front of my face. I tell the audience!
Cheryl Calm down, Ray, you're getting all angry again. I wasn't disrespecting your duality. It's the smoothie you made me, I'm kind of bugging out.
Ray That's because Dr. Ray DeAngelo Harris bugged out smoothie with spirulina, which is nature's PCP! I'm sorry, Cheryl. You know I love you, but sometimes you need to be yelled at. Ommm. Ommm. Cheryl, right now! Right now! Ommm. Ommm. Right now! Get that! Get it! Ommm. Don't do it over here! Don't do it, because, look, I'm-a hum, I'm-a catch it in my hand and I throw this ommm in your mouth. Open your mouth.
Cheryl Okay...
Ray Open your mouth now!
Cheryl Okay! Ommm.
Ray Oh no, no ommm! You open your mouth, I'm-a throw you my "ommm" and my "ommm" will go in your mouth. Open your mouth wide.
Cheryl Okay, alright.
Ray Ommm.
Cheryl Ommm.
Ray Catch it! You've got to catch it, you have to catch the "ommm"!
Cheryl Okay!
Ray Catch it now - ommm. You caught it. That's what I wanted you to do. I still love you.
Cheryl Can I let it go?
Ray Yeah, okay. I got you. Alright. I love you. I still love you, friend, even though you are a terrible, gothic hippie. Listen, ladies and gentlemen, she's hummed so much, she has really opened up. That's what happens. Sometimes I've got to hum and catch it and throw it into someone else's mouth so they can ommm. Sometimes I cry all weekend. I love it. I just have so much to cry about. Be strong, girl. See, I need your strength right now. I don't need you on the air boo-hooing to all those listeners out there, because you know what happens? They hear that boo-hooing, you know what happens - it's contagious. It's a virus. Then everybody starts boo-hooing and boo-hooing and boo-hooing, right? They are useless. Who are "they"?
Cheryl The listeners.
Ray No, the public! The damn public! It's a public radio, right? If we're reaching out, you've got to hit the ball. If I underhanded it to you, you've got to hit the ball, Cheryl. You didn't hit the ball. I'm underhanding to you, get it now. Now who's out there, Cheryl?
Cheryl The public.
Ray The public out there!
Cheryl We're not public radio. We don't do pledge drives - we play commercials, Ray! It's... You're crazy.
Ray Cheryl, don't ever correct me on the air. Don't you ever correct my knowledge of what public radio is. I'm on public radio every day, cleansing people, cleansing their soul, taking them on journeys, and I'm not going to let you tell me this flight is full. I'm not going to do it, Cheryl. I'm not going to let you owe to me $300 to get on the next available flight. I'm not going to do it, Cheryl, and you know why - because I want to fly today! It ain't going to happen, Cheryl. Not in front of my public, and not in front of my listeners, and not in front of all these people out there who I'm cleansing through the ass. It's not going to happen.
Cheryl You're really... You are a bully, Ray!
Ray Look, girl. Let's be strong, okay? I'm sorry I went there, but sometimes I've got to go there to get there, you understand what I'm saying? I've got to go out there - here's how it works, Cheryl, let me explain to you how it works in front of everybody, in front of all of my listeners: I've got to go through these airwaves out to the people, touch the people through their ears - into their ears, into their brains, down that system - the nervous system - into their chest to help their heartbeat, down to their bowels, right? Just to stir things up in the bowels, you understand? That's a cleansing. That's a damn cleansing. They sit on that toilet bowl side saddled and put one elbow on that flusher, you understand? Because everything's coming out. You know what? I'm getting Lionel back. Lionel was damn good producer! Who's on the line? Please tell me it's Lionel! Lionel, are you calling for a comeback? Lionel?
Caller 1 Ray, I love the vibe, but it's mostly bullshit.
Ray What the hell? We are raising awareness around here! Awareness, you dumb-ass fool! That's all it takes, and pretty soon shit has changed, because people will realize they're being aware because you're getting awareness and you don't know you've got awareness until you get the damn awareness! Don't you tell me what I'm doing here, and we have done it all by holding protest signs and wearing tye-dyes and smoking cheeba!
Caller 1 That's not actually doing anything, is it?
Ray What are you talking about? The first three levels in raising awareness are all what: raising awareness. Bumper stickers create change. People see that shit and think while they're driving. The text on that bumper sticker is speaking to me right now. At a red light, driving 55 down the 35, right? I'm going to visualize world peace, I'm going to go home and ommm. I don't care if my woman leaves me! I don't give a damn right now!
Caller 1 So what? I'm wearing a global warming T-shirt, but I don't give a crap. The news have made me an uncaring moron.
Ray I tell you what I'm tired of, I'm-a tell you right now. I'm tired of all of the so-called vegetarians and vegans in the state. I only eat raw meat, and if you come back to my show and call me all flawed, I'll eat you raw, you understand? I'll cut you open, I'll gut you open, I eat your thigh, I eat your calf, I eat your muscles and maybe then ribs, I eat your neckbone - I only eat raw, you understand? You hear me? You hear me? You're going down! You're going down my goddamn throat. Gulp! I'm-a swallow you like a goddamn cartoon character. You want to go there? You like that? You like that, Cheryl? Cheryl, you like that?
Cheryl Ray, you're just so holistic.
Ray Holistic up in this motherfucker! I don't cook shit! Cooking deprives you of all of them nutrients that you need. I only cook my crystal. I eat my crystal the way the ancestors did - by pouring chemicals straight down my damn throat and sitting in a steam room, and trust me - I get higher than any of you fools. You've never been as high as me. Do you know our ancestors practiced the ancient type of yoga? You can see it in the cave paintings. See? Right there, Cheryl, look at that. What have they been doing in that cave painting?
Cheryl I don't even want to look at that. That's the ugliest painting I've ever seen. You're obviously... It's like, drawn with crayons. It looks like a zebra and a man are, like, humping each other. It's not yoga and it's not ancient.
Ray It is.
Cheryl You drew that.
Ray Okay. I sure did. In an ancient style. I channeled my ancestors - you know how I did it? In my head, there's a TV - an old-school TV, the kind you turn with your hand, not the kind that relies on remote control. In my head, there's an old TV, right, sitting on legs! It's not a flatscreen - this TV's bigger than the damn refrigerator, but it has a knob on it, and it's channels. And my brain is turning on that channel, and I channel my ancestors on that old-ass TV, you understand? I channel them. Their doings started in the cave paintings because the person who was painting the cave paintings was high, you understand? He's high as a kite, until he's high, and he's painting in that damn cave. Who the hell sits in a damn cave? That's art right there. I talk about that in my book - about turning your man cave into a BC place - the whole paleo movement, holistic paleo. Body and dwelling. Take a hint from nature, man. You eat raw grass or hay like a farm animal, or you can be at the top of the food chain and chase down food yourselves as I do. You're damn right I do. Right? I chase the food down, I catch the damn food, right? I gut the damn food and I eat the damn food. I'm like a human cheetah. I chase it down. You ain't gonna get away from me! You understand, Cheryl? You understand, right? So "eat them raw" not only means chewing on a head of cabbage, but also chasing a gazelle like a lion and eating it raw, or taking some fool who's been giving me a bad eye and drinking the blood right out of his neck. That connects you to nature. It's great squeezing the life out of an animal as you bite its throat - blood dripping down your face - and even better - doing it do some punk who thinks he knows more about meditation that you do, because you don't know more than me, trust me. You come walking into the door of your house, and your woman sees you all covered in animal entrails or even swallowing the neighbor's liver, she'll think twice about hassling you, twice!
Cheryl What is that smell? It's... Ugh, it's horrible!
Ray That's my new composting TV, Cheryl, as part of the Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris Fully Organic Living System, I've turned my old tube TV into a compost bin. Why am I going to watch some old damn football games, when I can watch worms eat my feces from a month ago. The lowest creature in nature become your greatest ally in this fight against waste. You've got to compost! There'll be animals up in that shit! I compost condoms, I compost people, I compost every damn thing I can, and my flowers grow. My flowers grow from that compost. My garden is rich. My garden is rich, my heart is full... Cheryl, you okay? You look hungover. You alright?
Cheryl I'm just mesmerized by these fish. What are they doing - they're swimming in a trash can?
Ray That's my new koi pond. Recycled koi. You can learn a lot about relaxing and spirituality from the Japanese, Cheryl. They are some deep people. Not just hibachi - getting a grilled chip, and then rice stirred with stuff, and a guy puts the onions on top of mixed onions into a volcano, doing tricks and stuff with the damn food right in front of you like a damn food circus. You've got to consume the culture, Cheryl. Consume it! Literally, spiritually consume the culture, Cheryl. That's what makes us spiritual. By consuming bits of other people's culture and then hovering over the heads of others less spiritual than you, you understand?
Cheryl I just don't see how watching goldfish in a trashcan is spiritual. It's like we're just watching living things just... These creatures swim around in circles until they die.
Ray Don't you be backtalking my koi pond, woman. You've got me all twisted up now. My mind is going other places right now. Hold on now. You're getting me upset now. Now I've got to ommm. Ommm. Oh, that's much better. Much better. Who's on the phone?
Cheryl Line 6. I mean, this one is really pissed off, totally yelling.
Caller 2 Ray, it's rude and disgusting what you said about fat people. I'm a BBF.
Ray BBF? What the hell's a BBF, Cheryl?
Cheryl It's a "Big Beautiful Female".
Ray What did I say, woman?
Caller 2 About how we're calorie hoarders, about how there are starving people and we're the problem. You called us "sweaty masses that take up too much room"!
Ray Cheryl, did I say that?
Cheryl Yes, you did. You called for mandatory Gastro-Bands for all large Americans, like, anyone who's a little bit bigger than you at all. And you had a mandatory vegan diet.
Caller 2 Our society focuses too much on being skinny. It's a conspiracy by the media. I'm happy with my size! Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and I think everybody should be accepted for who they are.
Ray Absolute nonsense! Get off my damn show, you're screwing up my chakra! If there's one thing I cannot stand is people screaming about how happy they are. I ain't about being happy, people. That ain't the point of nothing. Happiness can suck my fatty. It's about duality. Happiness and sadness, life and death, kindness and unkindness. That's why I called you fat. Because I love you, you understand? I called you fat, because I love you. And that's why I lost my chakra on Cheryl - because she's my sister, that's why. I fired Lionel, a perfectly good producer, because he was my brother and that is why I am two. I'm awake - I'm asleep. I'm grown - I'm a child. I'm an old man and I'm afraid of death. I'm a sleeping baby. I hate when people say they "sleep like a baby". Babies sleep like shit! They need a titty to get them through the night. Cheryl, I'm thinking about yours right now.
Cheryl I don't think you'd like mine, they're like, really, really hairy.
Ray You've got to pluck, girl. You've got to pluck. Many of the first dates have been ruined when the first base is covered by foliage. Touch my special place right now.
Cheryl Ray, we've talked about this - I'm not into you. I'm bi, but this is so inappropriate for the workplace.
Ray What? My special place is inappropriate? My heart? I'll tell you what - touch my heart. Put your hand on my sensual solar plexus. Let me breathe deep. Damn, girl, what is that sound? What are you chewing?
Cheryl Nicotine gum. Well, I actually can't afford nicotine gum so I just emptied a bunch of butts out into a regular gum and rolled it up, and that's what I'm chewing.
Ray You're an addict, girl. You is an addict. You've got to go cold tofu turkey. Next caller!
Caller 3 Hi, Dr. Ray; hi, nurse Cheryl. I love the show. You've got me through some real spiritual crisises in the past. I called it once before, and you told me to stop acting like a little kid and grow up.
Ray And did you, friend?
Caller 3 I sure did. I left my mom's house that day and went out to act like an adult - I commited adultery and I cheated on my tax returns which are the fastest ways to feel grown up.
Cheryl Oh, that is such a touching story. We really do make a difference.
Ray That is true. There are many ways to get in tune with nature, and fraud and messing around your old lady are but two of them. Damn you, fine girl. Don't you think we should really be spritual together, making a beast with two backs? Look, I drew a cave picture over here on the wall.
Cheryl That's just two stick figures and a bunch of lions! Ray, if you're channeling your ancestors, and that's really who's drawing this - they are terrible artists.
Ray Those lions... Ha-ha-ha-ha. You don't get it, girl. Those lions are zebra print sheets, only made out of silk on a round bed, because I only do it in a round. That's how we become spiritually connected - nakedness, souls seeping all over the place for sweaty Chakra Attack with Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris. I like to remind people of my seminars on the first weekend of every month. Tell them more about it, Cheryl.
Cheryl Join Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris on the first weekend of every month for a spiritual retreat at the Los Santos Civic Center. There's going to be free parking, a vegan buffet and all-night omming!
Ray That's right! 1 AM - we ommm. 3 AM - we ommm. 5 AM - we ommm. And we're still omming! When you spent 2 days lounging in a 120 degree convention center with a bunch of other sweaty people, you've got to make a lot of progress - look inside yourself, step outside yourself, right? Then cut a hole in yourself, then look inside yourself with yourself! Look inside of the person you step out of. Break down the rules of society and watch what happens. A bunch of sleep-deprived maniacs forming tribes, raiding other parties, taking hostages, forming weapons out of anything you can find. You'll carve a damn knife out of a piece of candy! Are you a fool? Are you a damn fool?
Cheryl Let's take a call. Hi, Jake, you're on Chakra Attack.
Jake I want to talk about people with birds. Why do people have parrots? Animals shouldn't talk, and once they do, should be shot!
Cheryl Oh, I don't know. I love it when dolphins talk.
Ray You stay away from them dolphins, girl. I warned you before. They have some very sophisticated zen shit going on: swimming in an ocean, performing tricks for rednecks, jumping through hoops, falling in love with lonely, lonely zookeepers. We can learn a lot from fish.
Cheryl I think they're mammals.
Ray Same thing, don't you correct me on the air in front of my people!
Cheryl Next caller, you are on the line.
Terrence I'm calling from the San Andreas State Penitentiary.
Ray Dad? Is that you, dad? Daddy!
Cheryl Oh, my...
Ray Daddy!
Cheryl Oh my God! Every single time a guy calls an integrated health show from a correctional facility, you think it's you dad! He's not your long lost father!
Terrence Actually I am. Hello, son.
Ray Oh my God. Ha-ha! I knew this day would come. See, Cheryl? With your hairy nipples and bad energy and undernursed chakra, I've been thinking for years that one day I would be reunited with my father! He-he! Put on some heartwarming music right now. Put some heartwarming on so that a father and a son can spiritually connect on. Dad, I've been laying on an Afghan quilt and scrapbooking and keeping a photoalbum that we will share together of all our future memories. Oh my God, dad, you know I was there. I am so happy right now. How'd you find me?
Terrence Well, I've been walking by another inmate's cell and he was listening to this fruity idiot on the radio, and I went in and said: "Turn that tofu nonsense off now or I'm going to shank you!". And then you said your name was Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris and I said: "It can't be!". My name is Terrence De Angelo Harris, and I left you and your mother many years ago. I couldn't believe it was my son on the radio.
Cheryl This is so touching! We should send him all of your books and one of those standup carboard cutouts of you humming.
Ray Dad, we're going to do some touching shit together. Heartfelt spiritual moments like in a credit card commercial. Are you going to take me fishing? Ha-ha-ha-ha, I love fishing.
Terrence Ha! I just called to say - you're an embarassment, boy!
Ray What?
Terrence As soon as everyone in prison here found out that I was your father, now the whole place makes fun of me! There's a reason I left you all these years ago - you're a wuss, boy. A bullying, nasty, creepy, liberal wuss. I'm glad I'm going to die in here and won't have to enjoy ever meeting you in person. Goodbye!
Ray Oh my God. Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris is about to cry live on air. Don't cry, don't cry. I'm falling apart, Cheryl. I'm falling apart. You know this, but I did not see that coming. There are a lot of things, Cheryl, that I can see coming but that one I did not see coming! I don't know of any amount of meditating and sitting by a koi pond that is going to save me now. Aaah! Contain yourself, don't cry... Now don't cry. I'm falling apart, Cheryl, over here. I'm falling apart. I think you took my heart, Cheryl. You took my heart, made it into a heart snowball and threw it in my face.
Cheryl This has been Chakra Attack with Dr. Ray De Angelo Harris.
Ray Oh God... Cheryl, hold me!
Cheryl Ommm. Ommm. Ommm.
Ray Daddy!