Hello, welcome to the website of Hammerstein and Faust Employment Law. We are specialists in San Andreas Employment Litigation. It's time to slip and fall into the good life.
You don't want to come in early or work late and why should you? They're lucky to have a guy like you. that's why it’s important to strike first. Call us today, live on the beach tomorrow. Think of it as the bonus you really deserved.
Workers face an uphill battle in today's rough economic climate. With massive unemployment you’ve got to get what you’re owed while you can. Employers are willing to take unfair advantage of your talents while the executive crooks make off with all the profits. That's like slavery. And thanks to popular plebiscite ifs entirely illegal in our state.
We can ensure that you'll never need to work again. In the eyes of the law, your boss is a thief, a bully and a pervert until proven innocent which rarely happens. It is almost impossible to sack someone these days. The employee is king. If you’re willing to get creative, the rewards can be endless.
We’ll help you fall in the break room, then file for workers compensation, then take some time off for stress, then sue for being passed over for promotion, then take the severance package when you’re sacked for doing no work of any value, then file an unfair dismissal claim, then continue to get paid while you look for another job. The gravy train stops at every station.
Have great tits? Even if you don’t, a sexual harassment claim is a great way to get back at your old company while securing your financial future. We can bet at least one fellow employee has looked at your breasts and thought about a passionate face plant And if you are a male worker you can claim harassment too. Just find a strong female in the office and blame her. Courts love this stuff!'
Watch our presentation on items in the office and we'll show you how dangerous they can really be.
- Smartphones - The smart phone that your employer kindly plays for emits dangerous radiation that will make you die early and your sperm useless. Your children will be slow!
- Trash can - A hotbed of germs and bacteria. Find an accommodating doctor and you can take this to the bank.
- Paper clips - Get one of those in your turkey sandwich by mistake and it will attack your lower bowel like a Samurai. Trust us, it's worth it.
- Pencils on desk - Pencils are made from lead - a known carcinogen causing cancer. If you ever suspected that you were getting slower and dumber, here's the reason why. If that doesn't work, fall in one and stab yourself, claiming an unsafe working environment.
- Desk chair - Office chairs give you hemorrhoids and shred your lumbar vertabrae. You are moments from being paralyzed for life. Start walking stooped over, better yet, use a cane. See, isn't it easy to claim disability?
- Computer monitor - The particles emitted by computer monitors are deadly and will make you go blind within years. Also if you walk by another person's monitor, scream out "That's disgusting! He's looking at pornography!" They will deny it, but you win.
- Computer keyboard - All that typing will give you carpal tunnel syndrome and a weak masturbation grip.
- Pictures of family members - Every jackass in the office has boring pictures of their family up on the wall - if you're single, claim this is discriminatory and giving you panic attacks.
- Stapler - One of the most versatile weapons of mass litigation. Staple your eye shut, and we'll get you six figures.
- Permanent markers - Claim that huffing these and keyboard cleaner got you addicted to solvents.