A History of Liberty City
|Game(s)||Grand Theft Auto IV|
- "The award winning History of Liberty City documentary series is now the essential DVD box set that makes you feel instantly smart. Learning is easy when the TV teaches you things. Who doesn't love Public Television's long-winded documentaries that take two weeks to watch and consists of a bunch of slow boring camera pans across old pictures?"
- ―GTA IV Website
The documentary explains the history of Liberty City from the colonial age through the Revolutionary War. Liberty City's history nearly parallel's New York City's history. The show is sponsored by the Bank of Liberty and Public Broadcasting Corporation.
Several of the pictures shown in the documentary are real-life 16th-17th century items from New Amsterdam, such as when Prof. Peterson tells about how terrible the maps were back then, this map of New Amsterdam is shown.
Liberty City used to be a remote Dutch trading post called New Rotterdam. On September 4, 1609, Horatio Humboldt, an English explorer hired by the Dutch to find a new place to sell weed, steered his ship into the mouth of a river coincidentally named the Humboldt by the local natives (based on Humboldt's writings). The river was already polluted by the natives expelling waste into the river. This justified the genocide and larceny on the natives.
New Rotterdam was founded by the Dutch, who preached about liberal values but really cared about pimping women and getting high and were probably the first rappers. They wanted to find a place where they could party and kill people. Unlike other cities in the New World that were founded to promote religious intolerance, New Rotterdam was founded so Europeans can get rich off of other people's work. The natives were savages, wearing little clothes, but they were dealt with.
New Rotterdam quickly expanded its ego and learned to hate everyone else. It proclaimed itself the capital of the world. Advertisements were sent to Europe promising settlers a new life in a new city that has 24-hour convenience stores, roller coasters, and entertaining nightly hangings.
Europe wanted to come to see what freedom is really like. When they arrived they were aghast in America's new pastime of "Watching animals fuck and betting on it". The city spread and chose an island in the bay which they called Algonquin, after the old Indian word "Al-gon-coo-win," thought by some to mean "place for condo skyscrapers" and by others as "island to cath an STD"
In 1625 the first ships of slaves arrived to give the Americans, from the tyranny of Europe, to focus on the important things in life. The economy boomed. The slave craze was huge; people would wait in line for days to own their very own person and then put them online for a higher price Some dissenters wondered about the moral consequences of the nation founded on genocide, slavery, and theft, but they were quickly imprisoned as unpatriotic.
That year all the local indigenous tribes were brought together and paid for the greatest real estate deal in the history of the world. 14,000 acres of real estate for some spare change, a porno magazine, and front row tickets for a game of cricket.
The Dutch had plentiful resources. They traded beaver skins, a 17th-century version of wife swapping.
The gateway to the New World was also a den of inequity. The campaign to clean up the city began almost as soon as the city was founded. In the spring of 1647, the East India Trading Company hired a cross-dressing director general for New Rotterdam named Gloria Hole (based on Peter Stuyvesant) to return civility and productivity to the colony.
Within weeks Hole banned many activities. This wasn't well received. The city was burned to the ground. Within a few years New Rotterdam had become so diverse that the Dutch had become a minority in their own colony. Diversity was troubling to them, and with diversity came peril.
Taxes were reduced so everyone could afford their own firearm and a pattern for the country is now set in stone. Armed, ignorant, and scared xenophobes tried to protect their borders.
The Birth of a New Nation
Soon the people of Liberty City began to fight with the British over taxes. Americans saw that they shouldn't have to pay any taxes. So began the American Revolution. This war was agitated by a number of musket companies who knew they would win whatever the outcome. The revolution was bloody. Soon the French joined the war to help the struggling American insurgency.
The revolution quickly ended. Residents pulled down the statue of King George and melted it into gold items. The Union Jack was taken down, replaced with the Stars and Stripes, and the newly liberated Americans celebrated. Although though they were free, they lived in squalor. Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson came to change to agrarian based slave economy to a service one. With slaves being outlawed in the northern states, women were forced to service men.
To keep the country moving forward, the capital of the nation was moved from Liberty City to a malaria swamp on the banks of the Potomac. The stage was set for organized crime and mobs to make a difference. The city soon became the microcosm of all the contrasting elements of modern life.
The 19th Century
Despite the fact that Liberty City had high prices, corrupt police, and strippers with annoying Russian accents, immigrants came in masses, especially the Irish, who were told that America was a place with gold coins and gay unicorns and that American women were easy to get into bed with when they heard a foreign accent. Soon, the Irish, who were too busy drinking, chasing rainbows, and having sex with midgets that they all forgot to grow potatoes. One-eighth of the Irish population came to Liberty City in 15 minutes. Local merchants liked the sudden influx of Irish immigration because they could pay them less money than African Americans.
A series of riots then broke out afterwards due to the fact that television had not been invented yet. These included working-class riots, anti-Irish riots, anti-black riots, anti-English riots, soccer riots, and "girl-on-girl hot riots". At the same time, another massive influx of immigrants, this time from the South, occurred after southerners heard that Liberty City was a more racist place than the South, and that they could hate people from all over the world there.
The city's first newspaper, The Liberty Tree, was first published in 1835. When the Liberty Tree criticized politicians for robbing the public, the public criticized the media for institutional bias. Residents then demanded less political coverage, and more coverage of moral degeneracy, sex, and rapes, which were always on page three.
Bankers wanted to show that they could destabilize society as well as anyone, and when The Exchange collapsed in 1857, the bankers made off extremely rich, and the poor got poorer, with no social security or medicare to help them.
A massive public works project was then completed to help the city feel better about itself, Middle Park. However, the park had a long series of rules, banning African Americans, working class vehicles, lowriders and hybrid carriages, picnics, blowjobs, walking on the grass, "fruity exercises", and sports.
Construction then began on the Broker Bridge after Broker residents complained of how rowing across the Humboldt River was abysmal, and manic depressives complained that there was nothing tall enough to jump off of. Construction caused organized crime to boom, and residents were given a new place to dump bodies.
The Civil War
The South believed that the Northern customs, such as education, arts, and interacting with people of other races, was a threat to them, so Southern states began to secede from the Union.
In 1863, the first draft was announced. Drunk, angry citizens wielding iron bars, ninja swords, knives, and shurikens, among other things, protested the draft. To show the South that people from Liberty City weren't "two-faced bigots", they burned down an orphanage full of black children.
After hard fighting, a lot of cheap novels, and terrible speeches, the war ended. The reason the war took a long time was because of the length it took to pack a rifle, and because of the South's slow lifestyle.
The Turn of the Century
When the war ended, the art of leisure began on Firefly Island, where there were hot dog eating contests, condoms in the water, de-railing roller coasters, and freak shows.
Construction of the Liberty City Subway then began, with the first station opening in 1874. However, the first train was not constructed until 1879, so people were kept waiting at the station for another 5 years. With the subway and the Broker Bridge, the advent of the suburbs began, where people could commute to work and live amongst their own kind. This allowed Algonquin to become the center of Liberty City, where they built skyscrapers and looked down on other boroughs.
At the beginning of the 20th century, the city's overcrowding, impressiveness, and grandiose, along with the invention of the automobile, allowed it to take its modern form.
There is a quiz on Rockstar's site testing the reader's knowledge in the history of Liberty City. Here are the questions and answers.
Q: Why did Europeans move to Liberty City?
A: The Dutch wanted a place to sell weed and women.
Q: What was the price of the first prostitute?
A: A swift blow to the back of the head.
Q: Why was Middle Park built?
A: To provide junkies with a scenic background for drug use.
Q: What is Alderney best known for?
A: Being a swamp with soccer moms.
A: Being named after a shitty island off France where old people go to die.
A: Being the home of the 80's power ballad.
A: Juiced-up guys in cheap jewelry and tight t-shirts and fake-baked, chain smoking girls with big hair.
A: Being a place where people from Algonquin go to dump dead bodies.
Q: The first theater show in Star Junction was...
A: Heavily censored by right-wing government.
Q: What is the famous Screamer in Firefly Island?
A: A wooden roller coaster built by drunk Europeans.
Q: What is the weapon of choice among Liberty City residents?
A: Talking about sports while grabbing their anatomy.
Q: What is the average time lapse between consumption of a Liberty City hot dog and the onset of chronic diarrhea?
A: They are simultaneous.
The minimum score is 1 out of 10. There is no reward given for 10/10.