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My name is Jock Cranley
If you're over the age of 40, you probably remember me from the hit 1980s television show " Stunt Double " where my character performed amazing stunts while solving crimes that always happened inexplicably near the movie set in the show.
I died for a living on TV. It was a life of leading ladies and danger. But now my leading lady is lady liberty, the danger is what liberals are doing to this country, and I want to be your Governor.
Who do you trust to lead the state in the right direction?
A stuffed shirt with years of study and training behind him and an understanding of civics, or a man who has jumped out of a flaming car careening over a cliff onto a hang glider? I thought so.
San Andreas has been to hell and back. I have too.
I used to spend my Sunday mornings finishing off the cocaine from Saturday night.
- Now I go to church.
I used to attend group sex parties.
- Now I believe masturbation is adultery.
I used to smoke on television, and exploit my fame and personal wealth to lure college students to hotel rooms.
- Now I use my acting skills in politics.
Our great nation has been sold down the river.
And yes, that's a deliberate allusion to slavery, because that's what we've become: slaves to taxation, regulation, and over-spending.
It reminds me of an episode of Stunt Double that we shot in a theme park where I fought a couple of professional wrestlers-turned-counterfeiters on the log flume. San Andreas is now a majority minority state.
As governor, I promise to fight for every citizen of San Andreas, and to fight particularly hard for the underdog - the white god fearing heterosexual that this country now hates.
Jock Cranley is...
Apart from the separation of church and state bit.
pro family values
Now I believe masturbation is adultery.
Now I use my acting skills in politics.
pro freedom of speech
So long as you're not talking shit about America.
Jock Cranley also refers to himself in the third person a lot.
The patriot test is to determine if you are a true patriot or not in 8 questions.
1.How do you spend the 4th of July?
- A.Reading the US constitution and chanting U.S.A. while giving an immigrant the finger.
- B.Barbecuing and getting wasted with well connected, blue-blood friends.
- C.Taking a dump on the American flag by watching the lame-stream media.
2.You see a Indian man with a backpack sweating on the bus. Do you...
- A.Tackle him to the ground screaming "Red scare! Injin alert!" even though he comes from Delhi?
- B.Wonder aloud how you failed so miserably in life to take the bus.
- C.Hug him and offer him your seat.
3.What should be the most important subject in the school curriculum?
- A.Teaching the controversy of how monkeys aren't our cousins.
- B.English (American, not British which we all know sounds fruity).
- C.Composting your own feces/Organic gardening.
4.When you see an image of dead polar bear on a melted ice cap, it...
- A.Reminds you to change the channel to Weazel News and renew your hunting license.
- B.Reminds you to recycle and volunteer at homeless shelters.
- C.Reminds you to go and car bomb an oil company executive.
5.How do you view the War on Terror?
- A.A gift of democracy to the uncivilized world in exchange for oil we badly need.
- B.A complex situation with no easy solution.
- C.A power grab by greedy corporations and the banks.
6.You see two men holding hands in the park. Do you...
- A.Hand them a pamphlet on reversing identity disorders.
- B.Take a pic for your bleeter with the caption "Yuck!"
- C.Smile and tell them that their love is an inspiration to us all.
7.What is your favorite sport?
- A.Hunting endangered animals from dune buggies drunk on Piswasser.
- C.Running, Yoga, Hopscotch.
8.You discover that a man living on your street is an illegal immigrant.
- A.Take him down as a preemtive strike to protect your family and freedom.
- B.Move to a better neighborhood.
- C.Bake a cake, knock on his door and welcome him to America.