During the story of GTA IV, Chesapeake writes numerous articles which the player can read on weazelnews.com via the in-game internet.
Online Articles[]
Toga To Be True[]
Top economist falls for pyramid scheme
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It seems that nobody is immune to the temptations of 'get rich quick' schemes on the Internet. Brilliant economist and Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System, Darius Wolfe, has revealed that he was persuaded into investing $20,000 into a online pyramid scheme. "As soon as I received the spam email titled 'Amazing Business Opportunity' that directed me to www.money2makemoney.com, I just had to know more," said Wolfe, "I've never been able to resist a risky investment."
Despite Wolfe's baseless allegations, the 'Roman Empire Wealth System' has been an upstanding sponsor of Weazel News and we cannot allow some cretin to sully its name. Life is full of risks and, as civilization goes down the toilet, it only means more ratings and sponsors for us.
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What Recession?[]
Recession is dumb liberal lies and depression
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The annual meeting of economists in Switzerland brought confirmation of some welcome news that we have all known for a while now. This so-called recession is simply a myth. The people out of work are nothing more than a bunch of lazy handouts. With the liberal media tirelessly telling people to be scared and not work, people are doing just that. Hopefully the conservative members of Congress will use this to their advantage and make necessary changes to welfare programs like Social Security that are bleeding us dry.
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The Recession is over![]
Financial Worries No More
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President Lawton has delivered on his promise and the country is finally out of the recession. Business and politicians celebrated yesterday as the dark days are behind us. Liberal media outlets will tout false stats about unemployment, but don't believe a bunch of lazy bums who are trying to hold this country back. We at Weazel applaud the President and our conservative members of Congress who made this happen.
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Online Dating on Rise[]
Possible link to terrorism?
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It used to be about hitting her over the head with a club and dragging her back to your cave. Then it was about meeting her at the square dance. Then it was about doing blow with her in a bar until you had a drunken fumble outside. Now it is about online dating - it's the craze that has taken over Liberty City and the whole of America with people learning how to say "you don't look much like your photo" in a thousand different ways and discovering that when a stranger calls, it's not always a fairy tale. Some government officials worry that this rise in the virtual world and online matchmaking is about more than assuaging basic human loneliness. They believe it is about destabilizing the American family and letting terrorists into our country through the back door.
One government official who declined to be named for fear of "rocking the liberal apple cart" noted, "The rise in the popularity of online dating is proof that our enemies are winning. We should go back to old fashioned ways of meeting women, such as arranged marriages and barn building competitions. I've been divorced twice because I married the wrong women. The fact is: you shouldn't let a computer pick your wife. Computers are good at certain tasks, like aiming bombs, but not other ones, like raising kids. Every time someone finds happiness through a computer date, terrorism has won another battle." Love-meet.net and craplist.net had no comment on the matter.
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Online Dating Causes Depression and Terrorism[]
Facts Found
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I've written recently about the potential link between online dating and terrorism. Now sociologists warn of a new danger - depression. Apparently desperados cannot handle it when they discover the person they met on love-meet.net lied about themselves in order to hoodwink the unsuspecting into a date. What a surprise? Lie online? Who would have thought of that? I never have, because I'm a conservative and we don't lie, but I know most people do.
The link between depression and terrorism is well known, with most terrorists also being depressives and vice versa. It's a natural consequence of the liberal hegemony and the decline in civil society since the 60s 'me' generation ruined our society and gave our enemies hope. Hope that I would crush out of them with a bomb, just as I would bomb all of those awful dating sites and make people learn proper social skills and proper manners. This is a war America, and it's a war I intend to win. It's a war on cowardice, and it will be the subject of my next book.
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Mayor Plays Terror Roulette With Your Safety[]
Ochoa opens some bridges
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In a bow to terrorists, Mayor Ochoa shows classic liberal weakness by reopening the bridges between the outer boroughs and Algonquin. Does he not know we are at war and all need to make some sacrifices if our way of life and freedoms are to be protected? Apparently not. Now he's made life easy for both commuters and those who would do us harm. It's classic liberal wooly thinking. What's needed is a good simple conservative principle: punish everyone - then you know you'll get the bad guys. The Hickey Bridge and the Booth Tunnel remain closed.
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Love it or Leave it[]
Freedom restored with Jingoism Act
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As terrorists try to blow up our way of life and our Rusty Brown's stores, Congress took the courageous move today and passed the Jingoism Act, bringing back some much needed sanity into a country that has lost its way. Family values will be mandatory under the new law, and sodomy has been outlawed completely except in rare cases. Citizens are required to submit their email passwords to their local police to assist in tracking down those who would do harm to our country. Since the liberals desperately want the terrorists to win, this is a goose step in the right direction.
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Border Security Solution Found[]
Finally, tough action on impoverished neighbors
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Calling it repugnant but highly effective, even Bash America First liberals agree that the new border security bill is working. Many politicians supported the new law which was written by the group Border Agents Love Land Security, an organization composed of many brave soldiers recently dishonorably discharged from the military.
Senator Charles Martin said, "We were in a never-ending loop with border security. You keep seeing the same faces again and again. However, we have broken that cycle. Giving grater authority to our brave men and women who are sitting in the hot desert for days straight to find a permanent solution to this problem is working. Granted, a few families driving back from vacation in Mexico have been gunned down at border checkpoints, but security is our number one concern. There will always be some collateral damage.
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Doctor Death[]
N.O.O.S.E gets hard on innocent smuggling
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Illegal counterfeit medication is making its way onto US soil through the under-protected ports and harbor system. This is a disgrace. Containers that originated at a false address in the Guangdong Province of China were intercepted by N.O.O.S.E operatives in charge of customs and border security. If it wasn't for these patriots, our economy would be even more undermined and unable to finance the battle against terror.
Not only could these pills be dangerous to those poor souls unable to get REAL erections, but the money from the sale of these pills is probably going to fund bombs. The Surgeon General should make Mollis avaliable over the counter before this becomes a more dangerous situation.
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Liberal Arts Agenda at Libertonian[]
Don'tbelieveadocus
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The Libertonian Museum has been closed for renovation for several months now, not that anyone would notice. This columnist, for one, wants it to stay that way. It is a liberal establishment aiming to infect anyone who visits it with godlessness. Anyone who sees the fossil exhibit will understand this - it completely fails to present the real side of the so-called dinosaur debate. At no point do they alert visitors to the possibility that these beats were put there to test our faith.
The great country that is the United States of America was founded on family doctrines and teachings. If these are not presented alongside the so-called scientific arguments at the Libertonian Museum after it is reopened, then I'll be home schooling my children another year.
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Vinewood is Killing Our Kids With Dragons[]
Special effects = dangerous effects
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Fans of the movie Dragonbrain just might have a pox upon thee as theater owners are outbreaks of violence during the epic four-hour movie. Billed as the largest CG cinema expense in Vinewood history, the movie features knights, dragons, ladies in waiting, vague Shakespearian sexual puns nobody gets, armies of trolls, orcs, elves and a talking sidekick with multiple personalities.
But this period drama was too real for one Alderney resident who lost his head after an altercation with another moviegoer. Some witnesses say he had it coming to him. More on this story as it develops as police are still questioning fans as to why anyone would sit for 4 hours of special effects without any discernable story.
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So-called Gay Basher Strikes[]
Liberal poppycock gives strength to our enemies
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The secular progressive loons are out in force this week, complaining about an alleged "gay basher" in Middle Park. When a couple of heterosexual men are beaten, there is no outcry. Should we bring up the sexuality, gender, race and religion of each beating victim in this city and go on an appropriate witch-hunt afterwards? It's ridiculous. Crime is crime no matter who the perpetrator is. Protecting minorities and so-called special interest groups is exactly the kind of liberal nonsense that has weakened this country and made us a target to homicidal maniacs from around the world.
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Gray-mouthed Granny Gets Methheads Grabbed by Cops[]
Alliterative crimes rising rampantly?
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Her teeth gray from years of meth abuse, Steinway resident Stephanie Peerson called police to rat out her fellow junkies. A mobile meth lab set up in a box truck was found and suspects taken into custody. "Meth has destroyed the lives and businesses of cocaine dealers in Vice City, and we see the same thing happening here," said agent Albert Thomas, "And this woman who is 22 years old looks like he's 62 because of the ravages of meth.
She called police in a state of rage as she hasn't been able to climax in weeks and is so ugly that none of her fellow junkies would have sex with her, despite meth's effect of intense sexual arousal." Officials indicated that meth is an epidemic and that police need raises and high-tech equipment, new cars and more vacations in order to make Liberty City safe. We say: what price is freedom?
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Same Sex Senator Found With Same Sex[]
Serious Surprise
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As he pushes forward his legislation to ban same sex marriage, Senator Travis Evans was singled out on Capitol Hill today by activist groups who have video footage of the Senator while on vacation in Florida soliciting sex in a men's bathroom in a park. "These degenerates and morally moribund losers have nothing on me," Senator Evans stormed on Weazel News earlier today, "I am for family values. I just have a wide stance. My wife and I are very happy." Over 20 men have stepped forward claiming to have engaged in sexual encounters with Evans, and indicated that he totally gives bad head.