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Spank Here to Slay

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Spank Here to Slay is an article written for the Liberty Tree newspaper by Bob Malkin in June 2001.


An evil new menace, Spank, is running riot through the streets of Liberty City. A synthetic, entirely artificially fabricated drug, Spank is an evil our city hasn't seen the likes of before or since. Making previous drug epidemics look like a family picnic with a lot of happy kids and families, eating outside, Spank is pure evil.

Police are shocked at the increase in Spank-related offenses, linking it to virtually all major crimes as a convenient way of explaining everything wrong. A spokesman said, "Spank is really bad. It's baffling us why these kids would want to take it. This drug is an evil killer."

Spank fueled raves, where hordes of kids go to party all night and listen to repetitive music that goes bleep a lot and sometimes features Celtic incantations, have baffled sociologists. Another spokesman said, "We're baffled." These clubs can go on for hours or even days. Reports are surfacing of one Spank party which simply doesn't stop, where kids, like German vermin dance for weeks at a time to the music of a European DJ, not calling himself the Pied Piper of Liberty City, unfortunately for the elegance of this story.

A third spokesman said, "It's crazy. These kids will do anything for a good time. In my day, drinking very heavily until you vomited, or fighting in the street or visiting brothels was, quite frankly, enough. What's gone wrong with our kids? Where did they let us down?"

Spank. Don't do it. If you do do it, you are a moron. A final spokesman said, "Only morons take Spank."

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