The new street menace, SPANK, is running riot in Liberty City, and has been blamed for the rise in crime across the entire metropolitan area. That much is well known. What police and other government agencies interested in that sort of thing had no idea about was where the SPANK was coming from. And, we've got to be honest, they still don't know. But they're coming up with a theory. "As soon as we can."
Quite what the impact of SPANK on our community has been is impossible to gauge, but police are certain it is responsible "for a lot of crime." One thing is clear, a SPANK habit is expensive, relatively speaking. "You could feed a family of four for two months with the money your average SPANK user is blowing in a short time, shoving it down their ears and up their noses, or where the sun doesn't shine in suppository form, popular amongst the more addled SPANK heads," said a concerned teacher. "On my salary, I couldn't afford to do SPANK. But that's what a career in public service does for you. Still, I do get 3 month holidays, and I sleep easy at night, knowing I'm doing the right thing." Our educational source, who chose to remain anonymous, but who is head of physics at Shoreside High School, then lectured on corruption in education, under-funding and a few little tricks with a Van Der Graaf Generator, before we left her and wrote this blind date off as a pretty depressing experience.
SPANK usage is thought to be rife amongst the young and is responsible for untold deaths and injuries. Common amongst SPANK users are serious mental delusions, including Vegetosis, when addicts who have gone too far believe they can never eat meat again and another condition with a long name that sounded very worrying. Authorities are convinced that SPANK distribution, although SPANK is a completely synthetic substance, is connected to Colombian drugs gangs who have long operated in the Liberty City area. They don't, however, have any evidence to support this supposition. Or at least, they weren't telling us, even when we bought them a lot of drinks, and threatened to show their wives photos of them leaving places of ill repute.