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What kind of man are you?
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The Men's Room is a show in Grand Theft Auto IV.

Description[]

It is a talk show with two hosts that takes place in a set made to look like a men's restroom or locker room. The topics of the show include health, relationship advice, and understanding your anger. Unfortunately, though, because of Bas's intense attitude, most of the topics turn into a story about Bas's bloody experiences.

Hosts[]

  • Bas Rutten: Former UFC champion Sebastiaan "Bas" Rutten portrays a parody of himself as the muscular, over-aggressive, bald host. Rutten also did motion capture for main character Niko Bellic's fighting moves.
  • Jeremy St. Ives: Jeremy is the effeminate host with dyed blond hair, and often gives sensible or normal advice. He is usually cut off or disrespected by Bas. He is seen as a complete juxtaposition to Bas.

Videos[]

Transcripts[]

Episode 1[]

Transcript
'The Men's Room' begins.
'The Men's Room' announcer: The show for men by men. In The Men's Room with Bas and Jeremy.
Man: Is anyone in there?
Bas Rutten: Go away or I'll punch you in the freaking liver!
Jeremy St. Ives: Excuse me, the men's room is occupied.
Bas Rutten: Yeah...
'The Men's Room' announcer: And now for your hosts, Bas Rutten and Jeremy St. Ives.
*clapping*
Bas Rutten: Wooooooooooooo! Hahahah! Hey! What up man? Wei... Ay good to see you. Good to see you. Alright, hi everybody. My name is Bas Rutten.
Jeremy St. Ives: And I'm Jer—
Bas Rutten: And welcome to The Men's Room.
Jeremy St. Ives: Yeah, where men can hang out, and—
Bas Rutten: OK, now tonight in the Men's Room we're going to get personal. On this show, we're going to be discussing a lot of aspects of health. Especially how to endanger the health of others, with— Others. Not me. Others. Now, we've got relationship advice like – how to avoid bruising the face. We're going to take some calls advising women on how to deal with their men. But, that's pretty easy, right? I mean it's just a thing that you need to do. It's a kick to the groin. Right there! And when your body connects with the reproductive organs of another man, let me tell you buddy, it's pain and beauty. Also, we have a special and we call that special – the cubicle, the copier and stabbing a coworker in the eye with a little pencil.
Bas does a stabbing motion toward Jeremy's eye while doing blood splatter sounds.
Bas Rutten: Like this. Look at the blood, look at the blood, look at the blood. This is going to be an unbelievable show.
Jeremy St. Ives: Mhm. And I'm gonna be discussing rectal marital aids.
Bas Rutten: Oh shut up. First off, I want to talk to you about a second to learn... See if I can teach you how to understand your anger. Now, anger is the death of so many men. Heart problems, health problems, baldness, impotence. Waking up in the middle of the night with your hands covered in blood, and you have no idea what happened. Listen, I've been around. ANGER – it's a four letter word and, boy, does that bring you down. Channel that anger into something positive. Like beating the SHIT out of little guys.
Jeremy St. Ives: Oh...
Bas Rutten: Pah! Pah! Pah!
Jeremy St. Ives: No Bas, no. That's... That's not nice.
Bas Rutten: Hey listen, we all hated to be ignored, right? Some people try yoga, or putting neon under their car, whatever that does, but getting the point across in this life is easier than you think. (Bas does punching motions toward Jeremy while shouting "Doonk, Doonk, Doom") Just like that. Are you listening sir now? Are you listening? Do you see me now? I bet you he is going to see. You want to get manhandled? (Bas does punching motions toward the camera while shouting "Buck! Bluck! Bluck!") This usually works for me. What about you?
Jeremy St. Ives: Man! You are really pent up!
Bas Rutten: Yes..
Jeremy St. Ives: You know, you should try some aromatherapy.
Bas Rutten: Hey listen. The only aroma that I like is the smell of burning flesh. (Bas does sounds of burning flesh with his mouth) understand? Take the other day. I was walking, talking to a friend of mine on the phone, long time ago. He was telling me how he lacked the respect and attention from the fellow school teachers in school. Now... What do you do? If you don't get respect? Okay, so I told him, the way you get a man's attention is by doing the unexpected. (Bas does a punch motion toward Jeremy while shouting "BAA!") Just like that. You see? it works with him, works for you. You know, you walk down the street all nice, (Bas whistles) and looky look, what do we have here Oooo, it's a lamp post. Oooo, this is your head. (Bas does smashing head motions toward the abstract lamp post while saying "Kshhh, Shhh, Tshhh") I smash you lamp post against it. You like that? Do you see me now? Huh? Do you see me now? Okay, I think now in his teachers' lounge, trust me, those people there, they'll know he's around. Nobody will ignore him any more. And if a woman walks by, the only thing you need to do, *huit*(Bas does a motion as if he exposed himself) whip it out and say, "What are we going to do about this?" I'm telling you, people cower under their desks when he's nearby. Man, it's much better.
Jeremy St. Ives: Yeah... charmed, I'm— I'm sure. Hey Bas, I think we need to take a commercial break.
'The Men's Room' announcer: We'll be back in The Men's Room. Remember – don't tap your foot under the stall.
'The Men's Room' pauses for a commercial break.
Burger Shot commercial starts.
911 Dispatcher: 911, what is your emergency?
Caller: Ahhh, I think my heart stopped!! The left side of my face has gone numb!
911 Dispatcher: Are you calling from Burger Shot?
Burger Shot commercial narrator: The Heart Stopper! The all new tower of a meal at Burger Shot! It's the 6 pound burger you can't live without! The Heart Stopper; seven patties, six pounds of meat and cheese! You'll be flatlined in five seconds flat! (*flatline sfx*)
Caller: Mmmmm... This is a fucking good burger.
Burger Shot commercial narrator: Drive in – take out. Burger Shot! Die with a smile on your face!
Burger Shot commercial ends.
72 commercial starts.
*countdown from 76 to 72 followed by an explosion while the following line plays.
'72' commercial narrator: It's back. The groundbreaking formulaic cliffhanger – '72'.
'72' commercial narrator: Can Judd Parker save the world from terrorists by staying up for three days and torturing every person of color he can find? I hope so. The cliffhanger begins soon – only on Weazel.
72 commercial ends.
commercial break ends – 'The Men's Room' continues.
'The Men's Room' announcer: And now... we're back in the place where your Mom's phone number is scrawled in the stall –The Men's Room with Bas and Jeremy!
Jeremy St. Ives: Who's on line three?
Mike: Yeah. Hey, am I on? This is Mike.
Bas Rutten: What's up, Mike?
Mike: I tell you what, Bas. My boy Jeff, he is your number one fan. Sure he's in the joint right now but he will be out in a couple of years. Man, you really put a lot of great advice in your show.
Mike continues talking.
Bas Rutten: Thank you. Thank you.
Mike: I mean it. You know—
Mike: You got to put yourself first or people will put you second, you know? I mean, history has some great examples of that.
Bas Rutten: Thanks Mike and thanks Jeff. Now, a lot of people in the joint should learn from my advice. You are the boss or you are the bitch.
Jeremy St. Ives: Mhmmm
Bas Rutten: That is the name of my next book. I don't believe in an eye for an eye. Oh no. Because Bas believes in an eye for two eyes, or better yet, an eye for two eyes, and an ear, and a spleen, and maybe a new shirt because this one is covered in entrails. HIYA!!! TAKE THAT! WHO WANTS TO KNIFE FIGHT WITH ME IN THE AUDIENCE?! WHO WANTS TO KNIFE FIGHT—
Jeremy is trying to calm Bas down.
Jeremy St. Ives: Bas.
Bas Rutten: WITH ME–
Jeremy St. Ives: Bas.
Bas Rutten: IN THE AUDIENCE?!
Jeremy St. Ives: Bas!
Bas Rutten: Cowards!
Jeremy St. Ives: Bas. You sound REALLY constipated. You know, I had a colon cleansing. It was really fantastic. Man, I had so much fecal matter impacted inside of me, ugh, it was such a drag.
Bas Rutten: I tell you what Bas says will clean you right out – a nail gun. Bam! Bam! Bam! And then I grab a circular saw, and then I cut off your arm. Just like this.
Bas grabs Jeremy's arm and does sawing motions.
Bas Rutten: Eueneugheughew.
Jeremy St. Ives: Bas.
Bas Rutten: And I start hitting with the wet part of the arm! I'm on a construction motif right now. Okay, let's go to the phones.
Jeremy St. Ives: So, who's on line five?
Jack: Hey man, my name's Jack. I'm a big fan of the show since you came back on air.
Bas Rutten: What's up?
Jack: I have a question. Is cybersex cheating? Like, I've got a video camera up to my junk and I'm in a chat room all lubed up. All my online friends say my junk looks amazing! My hobby doesn't hurt anyone, but my wife's divorcing me!
Bas Rutten: I tell you, I hate the Internets. It's for cats and pedophiles, and it's for girly men who want to trick Bas. And let me tell you. It's not like real life.
Jeremy St. Ives: I LOVE my-online-me.com. You know, you can really get in touch with yourself by building a little virtual character and building him a house and, making him go to the bathroom and, watching him sleep.
Bas Rutten: You know what – I hate it. That's what I do: I walked up to the people in virtual reality and I can't break their legs. What good is virtual reality if you can't maim people? Hahahah, It's bullshit! You know what this is Jeremy?
Jeremy St. Ives: What?
Bas Rutten: What's this?
Jeremy St. Ives: What's that? That's toilet paper.
Bas Rutten: Absolutely right. You have to realize that everything around you is a weapon.
Jeremy St. Ives: Mmm.
Bas Rutten: Toilet paper, spoons, a hacksaw. If you are in a lot of trouble, you have real ultimate power. Listen and you will learn. Now, let me tell you, I've been around. I was in a bar once and I said something to this drag queen, and she kicked me in the nuts. Can you believe that? Now listen, I don't take shit from nobody, especially a man who dresses as a woman. So I grab her by the fucking hair and I bash her head.
Bas does punching motions towards the ground while saying "Doosh. Doosh. Doosh."
Bas Rutten: Okay, who's in charge now, huh? So, suddenly this guy comes out and he attacks me. I grab a beer bottle and POW break it on the table, stab it in his face.
Bas kneels to the ground while doing motions as if he got stabbed in the throat.
Bas Rutten: He's bleeding everywhere and down he goes and he had glass in his eye. Drag Queen screams, "Oh, what's going on?", I looked at him in the eye and I say, "Listen buddy, this day of misery has just begun."
Bas does punching motions towards the camera while saying "Boosh. Boosh. Boosh."
Bas Rutten: Right in their fucking face. And another guy comes to me with a pool cue – Uh oh, not enough weapons now. OK, see, listen. "Are you going to do something with that?" and I slit his throat – over and out. He was gurgling and then I licked his face and I start laughing! HAHA and the bartender! It was unbelievable. Fuck you, bartender! I walked outside and got on a motorcycle and I get back to my house. Finally, when I was home, I took a long, warm bubble bath.
Jeremy St. Ives: Yeah... Well... Thanks for that. Well, we're straight out of time. See you next time in the Men's Room.
'The Men's Room' announcer: The Men's Room, brought to you by....
ALCOPATCH commercial narrator: The Alcopatch. It's the same refreshing feeling of your favorite drink, but delivered transdermally and discretely. Pick up the Alcopatch at your local pharmacy.
'The Men's Room' ends.

Gallery[]

Trivia[]

  • It should be noted that as the shows progress in number, Bas and Jeremy seem to like each other more, Jeremy even loses some of his usual flamboyant traits, seemingly becoming more tough like Bas.
  • In GTA IV, Bas wears a green tank top. In The Ballad of Gay Tony, he wears an orange shirt with a white jacket.
  • Although it is highly unlikely, the show may be a spoof of a skit on The Amanda Show called The Girls' Room.
  • Bas Rutten's overly violent nature and exaggerated acts portrayed in the show is a direct parody of his self-defense DVD called Bas Rutten's Lethal Street Fighting Self Defense System.
  • The design on Jeremy's shirt is a logo of Derriere.
  • The design on Bas's shirt is the logo of Liberty City Salamanders.
  • In the Grand Theft Auto V side mission Paparazzo - The Partnership, Beverly asks Franklin if Trevor was in The Men's Room, hinting that Trevor may have appeared on the show before, or it could have been a mistake on Beverly's part as Franklin's response to this is "nah-nah".
  • The Men's Room is actually a radio show currently broadcast on 99.9 KISW in Seattle from 2 PM to 6 PM every weekday. Some of their famous segments are "Bad Choice Friday", "Big Dummy", "Bad Joke Friday", "Shot of the Day", and "No S#%& Sherlock!".
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