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The Séance is one of the Public Liberty Radio shows. It is hosted by Beatrix Fontaine, a fraudulent psychic who offers nonsensical advice to her callers via "The Spirit Line" in an attempt to steal their credit card details.

Guests[]

  • The first guest is Martina, who is worried about her boyfriend. Beatrix tells her she once led a powerful army and is worshipped as a god. Beatrix tells her she's going to marry a really rich man, but Beatrix asks her for her credit card details, saying that her credit card has bounced. She tells Beatrix everything on air, which Beatrix will keep 'very secure'. She then tells Martina that she will marry a man who owns a lot of diamonds, and says that she should join an online dating service and sleep with many men until she finds her "prince." Before ending the reading, she tells Martina that her boyfriend had a brother he never knew about and, because of this, his life will be "marred by failure."
  • The second caller is Michael, who is having trouble at work because he listens to Beatrix's show. After incorrectly guessing his name as "Bob," she speaks to Michael's uncle (whose name is also Michael) and tells him that he was named after Saint Michael and that he is a product of incest between his mother and her brother. After this, Beatrix tells (the caller) Michael that his uncle says he is the chosen one and must complete a quest, but in order to find out what it is, Michael must call Beatrix's premium rate every day and that the future of the world depends on it.
  • The third caller's name is Candi. Beatrix starts off the conversation by incorrectly guessing that she is a Virgo. After Candi says that she is a Gemini, Beatrix says that she had Virgo rising, but Candi tells her that she had Libra rising. Beatrix then proceeds to tell Candi that the position of her zodiac explains why Candi experiences "deep melancholy and heart piercing grief" and why she sleeps with strangers. When Candi tells her that she had a troubled childhood, Beatrix tells her that her parents did not understand her because they were aliens and that Candi is an alien hunter who had her memory wiped, and that she has a recurring dream of giving birth to an alien. Beatrix then tells her that everything will be okay if she buys 20 of her book. When Candi starts to be skeptical, the line hangs up abruptly, with Beatrix blaming it on "bad connection." This implies that Candi's credit card was charged for the books before she could resist, adding to Beatrix's fraudulent behavior.
  • The fourth guest is an unnamed male. He starts off the conversation by furiously attacking Beatrix's credibility, saying that he should not have to pay for the service if she truly has a gift. After his outburst, Beatrix tells him that he owned a tavern in Krakow, Poland 500 years ago, which entices the caller. Beatrix then goes into a vision, telling the caller that he and an unnamed fat man are having an argument, when a woman leaves the tavern shouting. Just as the two men are about to fight, she says that the caller begins to kiss the man he is fighting with along with various other sexual acts, much to the caller's disgust. Beatrix then tells the caller to break up with his girlfriend and tell her what she has told him.
  • The final callers name is most likely Darlene, as Beatrix calls her "darling" (which sounds like Darlene) when she answers the line, and the caller exclaims "Wow! You know my name!" As Beatrix begins her "reading" she tells Darlene that she sees "two eyes" resembling a teddy bear that Darlene owned when she was younger. When Darlene agrees, Beatrix claims that she must have carried this bear around to show people where the "bad woman" touched her. When Darlene doubts this, Beatrix tells her that she is living a terrible lie because, deep down, Darlene is a man and her spirit is upset about being circumcised. Darlene thinks this is absurd, saying that she is not a man because she has breasts. Beatrix tells her that she must be a man because she is self-conscious about the size of her breasts. She ends the call by telling Darlene to go to a biker bar and take some ecstasy so that all will come into focus. Before Beatrix cuts her off, it is hinted that Darlene is pregnant and wanted to ask Beatrix to give readings pertaining to her baby.

Video[]

Transcript[]

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Transcript
Announcer: And now...for The Séance.
(Intro music plays)
Beatrix Fontaine: Hello, my name's Beatrix Fontaine from Hungary. In a past life, we were lovers...but then you already knew that, yes? Welcome to The Séance! Believe...it's real. Everything you know is a lie and the things you don't know are all true. Confused? Confusion is the same thing as knowledge, if you look at it backwards. This is the space-time continuum. I want you to be honest with yourself. Just yourself and me. Was there ever a time you really wanted something and it didn't work out quite as you imagined? Or have you ever been in a relationship or professional situation that did not work out perfectly? Or possibly a feeling in your stomach that something is about to go wrong? ...And then it does. I know what you're wondering, "How does she know all these things about me?" Well, the fact is...I have gift. A gift I learned roaming the streets of Eastern Europe, having lots of kids, and earning money by dancing and playing the violin. You see, I can divine the magical powers of the stars and...numbers like pi, read the wind and the tides to tell the future. I no skeptic scoff, but that is why they live such shallow and loveless lives, and often end up dying, whereas I'm immortal...more or less. Don't let science blind you with stem cells. There is a sixth sense and a third eye, cells you don't even know about, and I have both. Let's go to the Spirit Line...212-360-2367. Hello?
Martina: Hey, uh, Beatrix? I listened to your show on the old station, um, before it got thrown off...I am SO glad you're back! I wanted to ask you about my boyfriend.
Beatrix Fontaine: Don't tell me...I can feel a very powerful force...even before you spoke, I knew you were a woman with relationship troubles. Is your boyfriend the source of the trouble?
Martina: Well, he, uh--
Beatrix Fontaine: Don't tell me, don't tell me. I'm hearing things from the spirit world...you're too loud...no, there it goes. It's going really quiet. What's your name, dearie? Don't tell me; it's a girl's name, it begins with a letter...it's not Rosa, is it?
Martina: Uh, no. It's Martina.
Beatrix Fontaine: I knew it was not Rosa. This was the name of the peasant woman who stole my first child. Close, Martina. That was my next guess. The spirits were telling me both...no, wait, Martina!
(Ding!)
Beatrix Fontaine: In a past life, you were called Rosa! That's...where that was coming from. Oh, my God...oh, my God, you led a powerful army. You were a great woman. I see breastplates of gold shining as you march into battle! That's amazing!
Martina: Really?!
Beatrix Fontaine: Absolutely. You saved a civilization that were worshiped as a god. There are statues of you in Tanzmania covered in pigeon shit! There is a man with bad teeth and dirty hair who has just urinated on you. I think you always sort of knew this. No, wait...the spirit world is fading. I'm going to hazard a guess. Your great, great grandmother is dead.
Martina: Y-yes! How did you know?!
Beatrix Fontaine: I am just a mouthpiece, dearie. The spirits speak through me. She's telling me something...something about diamonds and true love...
Martina: Oh, that's great, oh my gosh I'm gonna marry a really rich guy...! He's gonna wear lots of diamonds! You're kidding me! A rapper? Well, that's great--
Beatrix Fontaine: No...it's going faint.
Martina: What?! Nooo!
Beatrix Fontaine: Have you got another credit card? The spirit world is telling me your first card bounced.
Martina: No! Please, just tell me about true love, and the guy with the diamonds! Is it Tony McTony?!
Beatrix Fontaine: I'd love to, dearie, but spirit dollars are devalued these days due to the war on terror. Besides, immortal worlds need to earn some paper.
Martina: Okay, it's Fleeca 4135-9808-5665-1234. Expiration date: 11-08.
Beatrix Fontaine: Great...we'll keep that very secure. Yes...the ghost world is telling me that's approved for up to $500. Now $500 sounds like a lot of money, but apparently this true love guy has a lot of diamonds. I doubt $500 means a lot to him...or to you, once you meet him and fall in love...
Martina: No, no, no, no, it doesn't mean anything! Spend a lot! Go for it! How do I meet him?!
Beatrix Fontaine: Wait...wait...I'm getting something...you will meet him online. You should join an online dating service. Sleep with many men...therein lies your prince.
Martina: That's great, but...what about my current boyfriend?
Beatrix Fontaine: He is not for you. His name...Albert?
Martina: Uh, no, it's Richard.
Beatrix: Yes, yes, you're right. Thank you. He had a brother called Albert. A brother he doesn't know about. This explains why his life will be marred by failure.
Martina: Oh, God...that's horrible!
Beatrix: That's all we've got time for, dearie.
Martina: What?! Nonon--
(Beatrix hangs up)
Beatrix: You're out of good luck. Enjoy the diamonds. Remember, please call. If you want to get on The Séance, have a credit card handy. You can be happy. You will be. It's so close. A transaction away...212-360-2367. Who's on the line? Hello, dearie. This is is The Séance. But then...we already knew it.
Michael: Yeah, hi, I'm having trouble at work.
Beatrix Fontaine: I knew that. You're not a gondolier, are you?
Michael: No.
Beatrix Fontaine: I knew that. I had a hunch. It was like a ghostly force telling me, "This man living in Liberty City does not propel a gondola for a living." Am I right?
Michael: Yeah, Beatrix!
Beatrix Fontaine: It's not me, dearie. It's the gift. It was given to me as an STD at a pool hall in Bulgaria. And I've been real thin and hallucinating ever since. But I am now just in the passageway between one world and the next, yelling answers back and forth. Do you understand? Probably not. Some of you will hear good news, some of you will hear bad news. All of you...will hear the truth.
Michael: So guys at work think it's ridiculous because I listen to your show. We'll be installing sheetrock and they'll be like "Turn that digi-bitch off!"
Beatrix Fontaine: The guys...there's three of them, isn't there?
Michael: No, there's about eleven of them.
Beatrix Fontaine: I knew it! To Ancient Egyptians, the number three was the number eleven. In the same way as the French word for "spirit" also means "avocado". Did you know that?
Michael: No, I don't quite understand. I really have never been to Egypt or France.
Beatrix Fontaine: Please! Don't bring science into it. Doubters doubt everything. Personally, I'd rather know. Which would you rather be, Bob? It is Bob, isn't it?
Michael: No! It's Michael!
Beatrix Fontaine: Exactly. That was a trick question. You were named after Saint Michael.
Michael: Nooo! I was named after my uncle who died! Uncle Mike!
Beatrix Fontaine: I'm talking to him right now. Michael...he's visiting from the spirit world...he was a Saint. He's telling me he's very proud of you. He's saying you're a great...and powerful man. Only you don't know it yet. He's saying...he's saying...he's saying the struggles you are going through at work are exactly the same struggles he went through when fighting the Moors.
Michael: Uncle Mike fought the Moors?! I thought he was in construction! He was a bit racist.
Beatrix Fontaine: He was, you're right. But before he was in construction, he fought the Moors on horseback.
Michael: Wow! He rode a horse? And I thought Uncle Mike died of a heart attack real young because he was real fat!
Beatrix Fontaine: That's what you were told, Michael. To protect you from the truth, he and your mother loved each other very much...and you are the result of a very unique family union and bond...that people don't talk about. Wait...your uncle is telling me something...wait...wait, wait...he's...he's telling me you're...
(Dramatic sting)
Beatrix Fontaine: You're the chosen one!
Michael: Ohhh! Wow!
Beatrix Fontaine: Yes! And he's telling me you've got a great quest. Only he doesn't know what it is yet. He's telling me you should call my premium rate number every day until we can find out what it is! He's telling me it's very important you do this every day. You do that, Michael.
Michael: Well...
Beatrix Fontaine: Michael, it's very important. He's telling me the future of the world depends on it!
Michael: Wow! This is incredible!
Beatrix Fontaine: I'm just the vehicle. The cosmic bus. Like the buses on the dirty roads of Bulgaria where you can lay in the road and bring tourists. It's your life, Michael. Live it. If you take one thing away, take that. It's important. Wait...the spirit gate has closed. Please call the line. Don't let your future happen without knowing about it first...or it may just become your past. Think about that. This...is The Séance.
(Music ends, commercials begin)
Announcer: Wow, it feels like Sunday morning all the time on Public Liberty Radio. Public radio that sips overpriced coffee and...cries for the world. All the way to the left side of your radio dial. It's PLR. Public Liberty Radio.
(The Séance resumes)
Beatrix Fontaine: Okay, you are back. You have joined. Turn out the lights, get to your quiet place, then call. Join...The Séance.
Candy: Hi, my name is Candy.
Beatrix Fontaine: I knew that, dearie. I was told. We made love in Mauritania once. I was a swan. Let me guess...of course it's not a real guess. It's forces beyond our comprehension speaking through me. But let me guess. You're a Virgo this time, right?
Candy: No, a Gemini.
Beatrix Fontaine: That's what they told you. I know, I know. But you have Virgo rising.
Candy: No, actually I think I had Libra rising.
Beatrix Fontaine: I know, but I'm not looking at simplistic superficial astrology! (spits) Anyone can do that! I'm looking deeper into the cosmos, behind Libra, tucked away next to the neutron star to the left of Virgo to...was the Virgin. It was also rising, and it is this conflict between the scales, the twins, and the dreaded virgin, and the tax collector. It is this conflict that is tearing you apart! This is why sometimes you feel deep melancholy...and heart-piercing grief, and why you seek solace in strangers, right? I bet you did not know that.
Candy: No, I thought it was because I had a troubled childhood.
Beatrix Fontaine: Of course you did. Your parents did not understand you. How could they, Candy?
Candy: They tried, but I was--
Beatrix Fontaine: They were aliens, and you...you're an alien hunter who had her memory wiped, and you keep having a dream where an alien fetus crawls out of your stomach and poops. Only you can't remember it. That's the whole point. I'm speaking to the cosmos right now.
(A sitar plays, and Beatrix's voice is echoed for a few seconds)
Beatrix Fontaine: Hellooo? Hellooooo? It is telling me...everything is going to be okay...as long as you buy and read my book very carefully. Will you do that?
Candy: Sure.
Beatrix Fontaine: But wait...
(Sitar stops)
Beatrix Fontaine: Nothing.

Trivia[]

  • The phone number for "The Spirit Line" is 212-360-2367.
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