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yourdeadfamily.com is a website in Grand Theft Auto V dedicated to tracing the ancestry of the user. While the player can input character names in the website, usually, they leave a nonsensical, outlandish backstory of the character's family.
List of Backstories
- You are your own grandpa. Well done.
- A member of your family on your father's side is probably related to John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln. You are a real asshole.
- You can trace your lineage to William Beckwith Barden, born in Liberty City in 1805, moved to the Midwest and married a 42-year-old Norwegian immigrant after only knowing her for 5 days. They had 3 children together and she carved him up like a turkey one night and fed him to the hogs. The children were scarred for life, and have carried that deep psychosis for generations - notably to you, which explains why you are such a mess.
- Hi - we've dug up a treasure trove of information about your family, - but unfortunately for you, it's so mind numbingly boring it's not really worth talking about. I mean, do you really care that you had family in the Mid-West that raised cows? Or family from the countryside of England where they pray to rocks with scratches on them? Yours is probably the most boring profile we've dug up all day. If you're not a librarian, perhaps you should become one.
- A close relative on your father's side was knighted in England in 1628, but after an illicit affair with one of the Queen's maids, fled to Australia where he went mad trying to mate with koala bears.
- A doctor on your mother's side was noted for early work towards a cure for the polio virus. After working with children for years, it was soon discovered that he wasn't working towards a cure, but instead had the children working in servitude, cooking, cleaning and putting on funny plays in his great room. He was set on fire in the town square. Fortunately he had taken on a lover who gave birth to your great great great great grandmother, who lived in shame, as should you. Your father's side is even worse.
- Great news - you were related to Napoleon. The House of Bonaparte was an imperial dynasty - and when Charles Bonaparte and his wife gave birth to Louis, he married a woman named Hortense. Hortense was well known to have multiple personalities and was actually a cross dresser. Ashamed, the family found a peasant woman to take her place, and your bloodline would have ended up in an asylum except for a fantastic orgy of French lunatics in which your great great great grandmother was spawned. You've done well, considering.
- Marie Antoinette died when a guillotine came screaming down and removed her head on Oct. 16, 1793. The audience roared with approval, including your great great grandmother, who was in the crowd being fingered by a drunken blacksmith.
- Your father's family had quite a bit of money stretching back generations, but then your dumb grandfather on your mother's side, Professor Georg Richmann of St. Petersburg, Russia, died while holding a metal rod in the air during a thunderstorm. The family lived in poverty thereafter. If he hadn't been such a dummy, you would be filthy rich right now. Genetics suck balls.
- A druid on your father's side 800 years ago was involved in a fantastic scandal where he stole the first born child of everyone in the region of Gaul and put them on a ship to a far away island. They were told to create a society of volcano people who loved to lay about in hot tubs and sing A cappella Viking hymns. That place is Iceland, and your DNA indicates that if you were ever to reproduce with someone there, it would most likely be a cousin (with disastrous results). There is no shame in sterilization.
- We've found two matches to your last name. One was a sharecropper who fathered a family of 8 in what is now the rural South and was known as the kindest man in the country who loved to bum cattle. The other match is to an Australian who also loved to bum cattle. Take your pick.
- Your great great grandparents lived very hard lives on the plains. Isaac Willingford Van Burren was a stone mason and made bricks. One day, after lovingly crafting one for a week, he flung it at your great great grandmother and killed her. Luckily, she had popped out some kids, or you wouldn't be here. Try not to hate.
- You come from a long line of boring people stretching back centuries. Did you somehow think digging them up would make you more interesting? Nobody wants to hear you boast about some famous relative that was probably and asshole who owned slaves. Fact is, the only good thing about the good old days is that they're gone.
- Don't you think it's a bit unhealthy to have such an obsession over old people - to the point that you're sexually obsessed with geriatrics and people near death? Old people smell funny. Youth is where it's at. Stop poking around old age homes for a distant cousin so you can participate in a freaky incest fantasy, instead get a hobby like alcoholism or cricket. Move forward.
- Your great great great grandfather, Henry Davis Doner, was born in Ireland, and, a widower at the age of 72 took a new wife - who was 22. He coined the phrase "A man is virile forever, while a woman dries like dust and weaves yarn". You can be proud that you come from a long line of men who love younger women.
- It is said a family tree can wither away if nobody tends to its roots. It has also been said that discovering a cousin a day keeps the boredom away, but that's the kind of thinking you'd expect from dumb interbreeding Southern yokels - which is precisely where your family is from. Your mom never told you about your true Southern roots, instead doing her best to cover up the deep, dirty shame that your parents are cousins, like their parents before them, which sorta explains things. Sorry.
- Talk about the Black Sheep! You come from a long line of mistakes. Your great great great great father Herbert Van Dyk stumbled drunk into the wrong house at the outskirts of your family village and bed the ugliest woman for 300 miles. This would explain a lot actually - most notably your trouble with math and basic diction. You should regard your entire life as an exercise in triumph, over adversity.
- Oh it's not good. We recommend you don't read these results.
- Sunday mornings were always special to your great great Uncle Briggs. He was known throughout his quant New England village as Bridgette, as he would dress up and attend church as a woman, fanning himself and making eyes at married men. Several men took him up on illicit meetings in the bushes behind the church. Fortunately for you he had a brother that wasn't a pervert and fathered some normal children that can be traced to your mom's side of the family.
- Cross referencing your family name with census reports: It appears that you had a relative on your mother's side who, as a youngster in 1839, invented the game of baseball by drawing a diamond shaped field and convincing local townspeople to be part of the most boring sport on earth.
- Your mother's side were mostly royalty or members of the aristocracy dating back to pagan times. Your father's side were mostly geniuses and explorers and great, great men. Unfortunately, it seems things did not work out so well with you.